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Messages - Kiwi

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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:08 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:04 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:03 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:03 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:01 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 12:27 AM »

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who stopped him and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."


"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"Erm no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"Well it,, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 12:08 AM »
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which was worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!".

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 13, 2019, 11:58 PM »
What did the bald guy say when given a comb for his birthday ?.

Thanks, I'll never part with it.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 04, 2019, 11:58 PM »
What's got 100 legs and no teeth?

Front row of a Cliff Richard concert.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 04, 2019, 10:51 PM »
Not even close to being funny....mate

I'm jealous of all the people who haven't met you.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 31, 2019, 04:20 AM »
TV question master. " next question, the first Prime Minister of India was Gandhi, what were his first names?"

Contestant. " Prime Minister Gandhi, would that be Goosie Goosie "?

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 28, 2019, 03:01 AM »
A chap goes touring the outback in Oz, somewhere in the middle he comes across a couple of houses and a Pub. He goes in the Pub and has a few beers or more, after a few hours he needs to go to the loo, he asks the landlord where it is and he say it is out the back.

He goes outside and sees the biggest pile of crap that he has ever seen with steps cut into the side up to the top and a rope to help you get up.
On top is a seat with a hole in it. As best he can he hauls himself up the heap and eventually reaches the top and makes himself comfortable on the throne. .

He is just settling down when he hears someone shouting, looking to his right about a hundred yards away he sees a massive pile of crap about three times the height and size of the one he is on.It doesn't have any steps, rope or seat and crouching down right on the top is this bloke shouting at him.

Eventually he realises that the bloke is shouting " You must be a Pom".

" How did you realise that?" he shouts back.

"Because you are in the bloody ladies" is the reply!!

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 28, 2019, 02:56 AM »
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche..

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 28, 2019, 12:43 AM »
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations.
You have become a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 28, 2019, 12:40 AM »
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're flying BA," was the reply.
"We got a great rate!"
"BA ?" exclaimed the hairdresser."
That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.
I know that place.
Everybody thinks itís gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman.
"Not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a Ä15 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel.
The finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked.
So they apologized and gave us their Presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican.
A Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really!
What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

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