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Messages - Kiwi

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3031
General Discussion / Re: Expenses Sweepstake (Poll)
« on: May 12, 2009, 09:14 PM »
Phil Woolas says, yes, they were on the same receipt but they weren't the items that he was claiming for.

I note he has not started legal proceedings against the Telegraph as he promised on Saturday.

3032
General Discussion / Expenses Sweepstake (Poll)
« on: May 12, 2009, 01:13 AM »
Wonder why Cameron didn't savage Brown when this started to emerge. No party is going to come out of this looking good.

3033
Smile, please! / Suicide Bunny
« on: May 11, 2009, 02:27 AM »
http://www.jimmyr.com/blog/Bunny_Suicide_Comic_Pics_226_2007.php

Well worth a click if Bunnies topping themselves floats your boat  :D

3034
Ask a question.... / Re: Parochial school.
« on: May 08, 2009, 04:25 AM »
Obvious one, but have you tried Friends Re-U ?

3035
Smile, please! / Re: Big Red Button
« on: May 08, 2009, 04:24 AM »
That reminds me of some of my clients  ;D

3036
General Discussion / Re: Vote for Corry
« on: May 08, 2009, 04:19 AM »
Add one more vote for Corry St, we're only about 2 years behind on Kiwi TV, Mrs Kiwi used to try and watch it years ago but gave up because couldn't understand some of the accents, however since being shacked up with moi for 20 odd years she reckons she's developed an ear for the dialects, well either that or there's too many folk from south of Stockport on the show  :)

3037
General Discussion / Re: Manchester United F.C.
« on: May 08, 2009, 04:05 AM »
Quote
A Kenyan fan of English football club Arsenal has hanged himself after his team's defeat by Manchester United.

The north London club was beaten 3-1 in the European Champions League semi-final second leg on Tuesday evening.

Suleiman Omondi, 29, who was watching in a bar in the capital, Nairobi, was incensed by the club's poor showing.

He left at half-time after arguing with a Manchester United fan and was found hanging from a rope in his house, still dressed in an Arsenal shirt.


The BBC's Josphat Makori in Nairobi says the unprecedented incident has shocked football fans in Kenya.

According to his friends, Mr Omondi was in good spirits at the beginning of the match and even when Arsenal conceded the first goal, he did not seem to be affected.


But things changed when the team conceded a second goal 11 minutes into the game.


A woman, who sat next to him in the bar, said Mr Omondi was so disappointed by Arsenal's poor performance that he broke down during half-time.

Another eyewitness told journalists that it was at this point that a Manchester United fan started taunting him.

"Suleiman got hold of him angrily by the neck and started pressing him so hard," he said.

"We quickly intervened and asked him to stop. Suleiman then stopped but he was so angry that he left in a rage."

His body was found on Wednesday morning.

Police officer David Bunei told the BBC the incident was being investigated. 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8036367.stm

It must have been frustrating but there's no need to get so hung up about it.  ::)

3038
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 07, 2009, 01:13 AM »

3039
General Discussion / Re: Jobsworths
« on: May 07, 2009, 01:07 AM »
Bit rough that then  :( Must say I'd never heard of the black flag thing before and reckon that it's a great idea, it would probably stop people overtaking cars at the end of a cortege and inadvertently joining the procession :-[ ,  not that anything like that has happened to a responsible driver like meself .............allegedly  ::) ::)

3040
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 07, 2009, 12:55 AM »
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE HEARD THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS.

When a blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'


The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.'

3041
General Discussion / Re: Jobsworths
« on: May 07, 2009, 12:45 AM »
Not me musky, am saving the fly-fishing for retirement, that's if there are any fish left  ;)

3042
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 07, 2009, 12:41 AM »
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........








Keep going















"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!! !!

3043
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 07, 2009, 12:39 AM »
What a load of Bull!!

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico, While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's things from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si Senor......... Sometimes, the bull, he wins.."

3044
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 07, 2009, 12:32 AM »
THE GUNFIGHTER


A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of our holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you
a smoother draw'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
on the barrel of his gun.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'No,' said the old-timer, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

3045
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 07, 2009, 12:22 AM »
Aussie Version of Creation


In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach....
And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning,sleeping
and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming > > and BBQ's on the beach,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ... Well.... Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good..... It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

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