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Messages - Kiwi

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31
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:28 PM »
A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit”. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.

32
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:19 PM »
An elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, the next one is on me.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

33
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:11 PM »
A skeleton walks in to a bar.

Barman: “what can I get you?”

Skeleton: “a pint of Guinness and a mop please”

34
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 23, 2019, 03:59 AM »
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.
She replied: "Bring flowers to it every month of so, well at least for the first year, after that it will be a bit like our sex life, your birthday and christmas"

35
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 23, 2019, 03:58 AM »
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.


She replied: "Identify it."

36
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 23, 2019, 03:58 AM »
I asked my wife if I was the only one for her.


She replied "yes, all the others were nines and tens."


37
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 23, 2019, 03:54 AM »
Little Mike, Jonny's cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be.

One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. "You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!" Little Mike's dad said with a smile. "If not you won't get anything nice"

"I already know what I want for Christmas dad! When I wake up on Christmas morning I want to wake up and see a new  effing BB gun at the foot of my effing bed!" little Mike said.

Little Mike's dad rolls his eyes.

"Then I want to go down stairs and see a effing toy train going around the effing Christmas tree!"

"Oh yeah?" His dad says.

"Yeah then I'll go out side and I want a effing new bike leaning up against the effing garage!"

"I wouldn't count on it young man, not after how you just talked."

When Christmas morning comes Mike wakes up. Laying at the foot of his bed is a steaming pile of dog shit! So he goes down stairs. Around the Christmas tree is a neatly arranged ring of dog shit. Then he goes outside and there by the garage is, you guessed it another pile of dog shit!

"DAMN!" Little Mike says, starting to cry.

"Well son did you learn a lesson?" Mikes dad asks.

"I don't know dad, I think I got a new puppy but I can't effing find it!"

38
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 23, 2019, 03:51 AM »
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

39
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 18, 2019, 04:18 AM »
Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

40
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 18, 2019, 04:15 AM »
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like......night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
6. Depression is like anger without enthusiasm.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
8. Support Bacteria..........they're the only culture some people have!
9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
10. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
12. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand.
13. OK - so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
18. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

41
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 18, 2019, 12:40 AM »
My wife loves all the lady Hollywood film stars of the 40's, Hedy Lamar, Marylyn Monroe, and especially Greta Garbo, just lately she's started eating grass seed, and when questioned about it all she says is " I vont to be A Lawn"

43
General Discussion / Re: Adventure before Dementia
« on: April 02, 2019, 02:57 AM »
Well, it's almost 9 months since I started this thread and guess wot ??, yep we're still stuck in sunny Hastings NZ, the house sold in days but .... trying to sell the business has been (almost) as bad as Brexit, had a couple of tyre kickers that wasted several months but hopefully we'll find out in the next couple of days of a deal has finally been signed (sound familiar) so at the moment Mrs Kiwi plus me and the dawg are sweating like a paratrooper at a spelling test  :) We do have a Plan B if the current deal falls through and that'll mean we have to hang around while we get a couple of new staff members up to speed which all things considered wont be too bad coz it's almost winter down here in Noo Zild. Meanwhile I'll have to console meself with a few tins of Dandelion and Burdock which I can get from the local pound ($2) shop  ;) They even sell Tizer in cans but it's not like the stuff that came in a bottle  :-\ , the D&B is pretty authentic even though it's made in Glasgow.

We've been renting a nice ikkle cottage about 50 yards from my workplace since Chrimbo and it's quite a novelty living in town as we can walk to the shops and restaurants instead of driving half an hour each way  :) .

44
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 02, 2019, 12:02 AM »
I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered......."They are right behind you".

45
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 01, 2019, 11:59 PM »
A water flooded boggy marshy meadow was being drained prior to a new housing estate being built, a large pump was fired up, and the water slowly drained away. A local nature conservation group turned up and told the builders" You have to stop pumping, there are rare species of amphibians and wild life living there, Turn off the pump, its draining rats and frogs".

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