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Messages - Kiwi

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2986
Ask a question.... / Re: WHATS HAPPENING TO THE BEES
« on: June 04, 2009, 01:56 AM »
Speakers would make a world of difference when viewing those clips, anybody got a spare pair they can throw Bill's way ??  :)

2987
Ask a question.... / Re: WHATS HAPPENING TO THE BEES
« on: June 03, 2009, 11:36 PM »
Hi Bill, not really sure but this could be a cunning plan by the Aussies to get Kim Il Wotsisname to test fire his nukes at us instead of next door  ;)

Seen This ?


Or This ??

2988
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 03, 2009, 11:17 PM »
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st ever gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an e minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pigged off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage,
"OK smart @rse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...



"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."

2989
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 03, 2009, 11:14 PM »
Colin the Aborigine


A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting.


At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing
all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on
the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the
croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead
goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

'I want the bastard who pushed me in.  ;)

2990
General Discussion / Re: Expenses Sweepstake (Poll)
« on: June 03, 2009, 11:05 PM »
OK, fess up, who voted for Smith and Blears  ;D Mind you it didn't need the powers of Gypsy Rose did it ?  :)

2991
General Discussion / Re: The British Government has collapsed.
« on: June 03, 2009, 11:02 PM »
.
Kiwi- I thought you lived in New Zealand so who are the 'we' calling for a General Election??
Hi Meg, although not currently on the UK electoral roll I'm still eligible to vote and fully intend to remedy the enrolment issue very shortly  ;)

However..

There's a part of me, a very small and well-hidden part, that feels ever so slightly sorry for Gordon Brown. The sleaze of the cabinet, the lack of talent and inabilities of them are things he inherited. OK, I know he stamped his foot, and threatened to 'Thcweam and thcweam until I am sick', until he was given his present job. But, never ever forget that the mastermind behind the scams, the Mr Big, the Subject Matter Expert on creaming off monies from gullible taxpayers, the whizzkid of claims was Mr Tony B Liar, ably aided and abetted by the Wide-Mouthed Frog.

This is a man whose paper trail was "accidentally shredded", yet he and his consort were the undoubted masters of dodgy claims, expense fiddles and general nest-feathering. I would be gobsmacked if  his true expense paperwork was to surface. It would make the best seller list (fiction) for sure.  :)

2992
General Discussion / The British Government has collapsed.
« on: June 03, 2009, 03:29 AM »
It is a very bold statement and I don't know how close to the truth it is but it has been made in this Mail Online article by Peter Oborne: Linky
I don't know how credible this bloke is or even the rag he works for but it is an interesting statement to consider.

Imagine for the moment that it is true and British government really has collapsed. We still get up in the morning and go to work.  As stretched, underfunded and as burdened by pointless bureaucracy as they are the military, police, health service, schools, fire service, prison service all still function and under the circumstances still do a superb job. British society is so far still intact and we haven't yet taken to the streets and trashed the neighbourhood. In fact the only real blow is gargantuan public debt and a big hit in international standing. Okay those last points aren't small ones but hopefully you get the idea.

Which is ..........

If central government has collapsed is it now an anachronism ?  Does British society function in spite of rather than because of central or even local government ?

I reckon Parliament needs to be dissolved and I think we need a general election at the earliest and by earliest I mean sometime last year.


2993
Ask a question.... / Re: WHATS HAPPENING TO THE BEES
« on: June 03, 2009, 01:29 AM »
Sorry, don't qualify for a 'buzz' pass  ;D but you can have one of these...

 Every Kiwi kiddie has one  ;)

2994
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 03, 2009, 01:14 AM »
Nope, not me  :) am more into sea fishing, will save learning this fly-fishing caper till I retire  ;)

2995
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 02, 2009, 10:12 PM »
Got a tattoo of a spreadsheet on my chest the other day........................ I reckon I've excelled myself  ;)

2996
Ask a question.... / Re: Why?
« on: May 30, 2009, 09:40 PM »
Why don't you see white dog poo nowadays ??  ;)

2997
General Discussion / Re: Manchester United F.C.
« on: May 27, 2009, 10:37 PM »
Never mind, it's only a game unlike Bullfighting, Mountaineering and Motor Racing which according to Hemmingway are the only true sports.

2998
General Discussion / Re: Weather or not.
« on: May 27, 2009, 12:48 AM »
A question for those now living overseas, having left the British weather behind - how do you strike up a conversation with strangers?
Not a problem, moaning about the weather is a universal pastime, just ask our resident banana benders (if and when power is ever restored)  ;)

2999
Ask a question.... / Re: Why?
« on: May 26, 2009, 11:09 PM »
Forget MPs' expenses, a more pressing problem........

Why, when you've put it away straight, does your lawn mower cable always come out with a knot in it?

Have got a couple of long extension leads that do the same thing, apparently it's how you coil them up that can cause problems, for example if you roll them up between your elbow and the cup of your hand you end up putting a twist in them, the best way is to wind the cable straight onto a reel.

Or.............. just use a mower and hedge trimmer that are powered by an infernal combustion engine  ;)

3000
Ask a question.... / Re: WHATS HAPPENING TO THE BEES
« on: May 26, 2009, 03:20 AM »
How does the little box under your posts know the colour of shirt I'm wearing?

You can get your own from danasoft.com but to be honest more than one on any forum is one too many  ;)

I'll take mine down when I see another so others can have a play  :)

Edited to add "Just one on a forum can be one too many"
;)

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