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Messages - Kiwi

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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 19, 2019, 03:38 AM »
I had an appointment with the osteopath. They kept me waiting for two hours.

They only had a skeleton staff.

General Discussion / Re: The 'dreaded' BREXIT.......and beyond.
« on: July 19, 2019, 12:06 AM »
Daftjack ( a PROUD member of the JEWISH VOICE for PEACE).

Jewish Voice for Peace is not a “fringe” Jewish organization. JVP is not merely “anti-Zionist.” JVP is the vanguard of a movement of far-left antisemitism. The new JVP campaign “Deadly Exchange” — which alleges a moneyed Jewish conspiracy to kill innocent Americans — reveals how far JVP has fallen down the rabbit hole.

Oy Veh, sounds like another bunch of USA based loony lefties, the world's gone mad Jack.  :D

Regarding the Red Sea pedestrians and the Palestinians, It'll never end. Both sides have a significant fraction of their population who think god gave them the rights to the same bits of land. Both sides have people who think it's OK to murder people of different religions.

Long lasting conflicts only come to an end when both sides accept that they can't win. The Palestinians certainly can't win. The Israeli armed forces could crush them, but the Israeli government chooses not to make itself an international pariah.

The Israelis can't win either unless they adopt a policy akin to genocide. Israel is a fairly secular, fairly democratic and fairly law abiding state. I think that is likely to change in the near future.

Ultra orthodox Jews were 1% of the Israeli population when the state was founded. These are the people who are exempt from military service and who are paid by the state to study religion instead of working. They tend to have very large families and I read that the population is now 25% ultra orthodox. Soon, they will be in the majority.

The Palestinians are already governed by Muslim fundamentalists. All they can really do is wage a terrorist campaign against Israel. They do that in the knowledge that the response will cost many Palestinians their lives.

Give it a few years and the Israel/Palestine conflict will degenerate into a genocidal war between two groups of religious maniacs. With one side in possession of nuclear weapons and the other side fielding a near endless supply of martyrs, the future looks bleak for the Middle East.

(Kiwi walks away scratching head wondering how the hell we got here from Brexit  :) :) :) )

General Discussion / Re: The 'dreaded' BREXIT.......and beyond.
« on: July 18, 2019, 10:27 PM »
Morning all, To Kiwi I say the following: If ANY American administration had the 'Balls' (which they do not) They would lump in Israel with North Korea and Iran when it comes to stopping the so called 'Nuclear prolifiration'. But that will never happen. Why should North Korea or Iran be stopped from joining the Nuclear club? Are their leaders any more unstable than Netanyahu? Or is it that Israel is a special case in these matters? I detest this two faced politics that goes on in the world. I hope Iran and North Korea have massive amounts of nuclear weapons in the future.

Careful DJ, you're beginning to sound like that weird Austrian painter......  ;)

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 18, 2019, 02:17 AM »
This letter was sent to the South Shields High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Shields High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home for Elderly Ladies in South Shields.

All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.... I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to f**k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,


General Discussion / Re: The 'dreaded' BREXIT.......and beyond.
« on: July 18, 2019, 12:27 AM »
Credit where it's due, who would rather have the foreign policy nightmare that Obama left the world with regard to North Korea ?, within months Trump had met Kim in Singapore and then when Kim insulted Trump with a derisory nuclear offer in Hanoi Trump walked out. Then entirely on his own terms Trump invited Kim to meet on the DMZ a couple of weeks ago and Trump even stepped onto Nork soil.
From worst foreign policy nightmare to a step across the worlds most hostile border is a giant leap  towards peace.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 03:16 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 03:15 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 03:15 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 03:14 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 03:14 AM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 02:29 AM »
I was in a queue at a cash machine yesterday and the old lady at the machines seemed to be having difficulties. I asked if I could be of assistance and she said she needed help in checking her balance. So I gave her a shove and sure enough she fell over.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 02:29 AM »

The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the kerb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 02:27 AM »
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 02:25 AM »

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2019, 02:21 AM »
Just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling’s. I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes.

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