Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - Kiwi

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 204
1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 19, 2019, 03:29 AM »
A man walks into a chemist store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for teenagers, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for students,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 19, 2019, 02:11 AM »

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 17, 2019, 10:58 PM »
A man walks into a chemist store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for teenagers, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for students,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 17, 2019, 10:57 PM »
An Englishman and a Frenchman were sitting In a Calais bar boasting about the merits of their respective countries. As they get more and more drunk, they can’t agree. So they decide to settle the argument once and for all; which is the greater country, France or England? They decide on a cat race. Across the Channel.

So off they stagger on a cat hunt. Eventually they each grab a stray cats and head down to the harbour. “What shall we call the cats”, the Frenchman asked? “We need names we both understand”.

“Well, the only French I know is how to count, why don’t I call my cat One, Two Three. You can call yours “Un Deux Trois”. And with that they threw the poor moggies into the ocean and caught the fast ferry to Dover.

Staggering off the ferry, they are both surprised to see a dishevelled cat come out of the water and shake itself. But which one was it, and why?

It goes without saying the it was the Englishman’s cat that survived. And why? Because Un Deux Trois Cat Sank.

5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 17, 2019, 04:06 AM »
Her indoors said, "I'm fed up with you treating this house like a hotel" She might well regret that when I give her a negative review on Trip Adviser for 'rude staff and poor attitude'

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:08 AM »


7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:04 AM »

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:03 AM »


9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:03 AM »


10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 01:01 AM »



11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 12:27 AM »
SOCRATES.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who stopped him and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"Erm no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"Well it, erm....no, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 14, 2019, 12:08 AM »
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which was worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!".

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 13, 2019, 11:58 PM »
What did the bald guy say when given a comb for his birthday ?.

Thanks, I'll never part with it.

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 04, 2019, 11:58 PM »
What's got 100 legs and no teeth?

Front row of a Cliff Richard concert.

15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 04, 2019, 10:51 PM »
Not even close to being funny....mate

I'm jealous of all the people who haven't met you.

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 204