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Messages - Kiwi

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1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 17, 2019, 05:30 AM »
Paddy and Seamus decide to go golfing at their favourite course:

On the fifteenth hole, Paddy hits his golf ball into the woods and finds it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ends up thrashing every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a beautiful woman appears.

She says. "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
For doing what you did, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. And, you won't have any butter for your toast. In fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! She disappears.
After Paddy recovers from the shock, he yells to his friend Seamus. "Hey, Seamus, where are you?"
Seamus yells back. "I'm in the rough, over here in a patch of pussy willows."
Paddy shouts back. "Don't swing, Seamus!.
For the love of God, DON'T FECKIN SWING!"

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2019, 05:57 AM »

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2019, 05:53 AM »
My friend studied archaeology at university for three years.
His career ended in ruins.

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2019, 05:53 AM »
A friend of mine, who has a stutter, was telling us about his nana.

By the time he was finished we were all singing Hey Jude

5
General Discussion / Re: The Electric Car.
« on: August 29, 2019, 04:10 AM »
Hi all, In the not too distant future their will be many millions of electric cars. The diesel and the petrol will go the way of the Dodo. ( a Mauritius dwelling flighless bird) now extinct.

My question would be two fold:

Firstly: What happens to the old  lithium-ion batteries that are to be scrapped when the car has passed its sell by date? (there will be millions of them) As they contain several very toxic elements. Will we ship them off to poor third world countries (as we do now with old computer parts) so that the children that disassemble them will carry on becoming sick because of the toxic elements they contain?

Secondly: How will the national grid cope with all these said vehicles in 20 years time?


Just a thought......


Daftjack.

Firstly, can't find the link at the mo but it's been suggested that "used" vehicle batteries can be re-purposed as storage for domestic (home) use for example to store energy from solar and/or wind as the batteries even though unfit for vehicular use still have between 50% to 65% capacity, just not enough to be viable for use in cars.

Second, Nucular, it's the only clean alternative.  ;)

Totally agree with hydrogen being the way to go !

6
To be honest I don't really give a rat's either way, my only hope is that Magic Grandpa and his bunch of incompetents don't get the keys to Number 10. DJ your red and blue car analogy is very apt as the (dis)United Kingdom is heading for a car crash of epic proportions and as my meagre forces pension is index linked I'll be laughing all the way to the bank. At time of writing this I'm 24 hours away from unemployment and homelessness and I couldn't be happier, well I would be if the interest rates hadn't dived due to our own  virtue signalling social justice snowflake ex Blairite SPA that the majority of NZ didn't vote for making a pigs ear of everything she touches,  red and blue cars are great in comparison to the MMP system we're stuck with. Anyhoo Mrs Kiwi and I are taking a 'gap' year, there's still plenty of fish to catch up north and some of them have our names on them.

BTW Nice to see Bill and a few others back posting on the forum  :)


7
The honorable members of the House of Commons suspended democracy for the past three years.

Today's announcement is an attempt to restore democracy.

Further reading of todays events has made me catch some details, and by far the best bit was the letter to MP's

Boris told them what he had already done, not what he was going to do, so all the apoplexy has been for naught. Once he had curtsied to her maj, the job was jobbed

All this 'unconstitutional' throbbing is just that, The MOST constitutionlal thing done in parliament for yonks, just loads of bobbing and weaving by overdressed lackys

As the dust settles on the days events it would 'appear' Boris (and/or his team) have out thunk the remoaners, time will tell I guess.

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: August 28, 2019, 01:58 AM »
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed particularly, when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one precondition.

In a few minutes he returned. "Twould' be me pleasure to paint yer portrait,missus," he said .... “The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right but I have to at least leave me socks on; so, I have a place to wipe me brushes."*

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: August 26, 2019, 04:22 AM »
Jimmy and his family lived in one of those areas where their toilet was a wooden hut over a trench.
Jimmy was playing when his father came to him and asked "Jimmy, did you push the toilet hut into the trench? at which Jimmy says "Dad, I can not lie. Yes I did it."
His father gave him one hell of a leathering at which Jimmy says, "But Dad, you told me that when George Washington's son chopped down the cherry tree and admitted it, his father did not punish him, so how come I admit to pushing the hut and you belt me?"
His father looks at him and says, "Yes Jimmy I remember but there is one difference - George Washington's father was not in the ruddy tree at the time!"

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: August 26, 2019, 04:15 AM »
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a £10 note in the dog's mouth and a note reading "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the time table and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius my ass, this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: August 26, 2019, 03:53 AM »
why is n z called ' LAND OF THE GREAT  WHITE CLOUD"  ???

Aotearoa is the Maori name for the country of New Zealand. The literal translation of Aotearoa is "land of the long white cloud".

Aotearoa is the Maori name for New Zealand, though it seems at first to have been used for the North Island only. Many meanings have been given for the name but with Maori names the true meaning can often be found only in a mythological story or in historical fiction illustrating either how the name was given or something of the ideas which prompted it. Aotearoa is made up of either two or three words, Aotea and roa or Ao tea and roa. Aotea could be the name of one of the canoes of the great migration, the great magellan cloud near the bright star Canopus in summer, a bird or even food; ao is a cloud, dawn, daytime, or world; tea white or clear, perhaps bright, while roa means long or tall.

The most popular and authoritative meaning usually given is “long white cloud”, and there are two stories current to illustrate this. It seems the voyagers to New Zealand were guided during the day by a long white cloud and at night by a long bright cloud. The more usual one tells how, when Kupe was nearing land after his long voyage, the first sign of land was the peculiar cloud hanging over it. Kupe drew attention to it and said “Surely is a point of land”. His wife, Hine-te-aparangi, called out “He ao! He ao!” (a cloud! a cloud!) Later Kupe decided to call the land after his wife's greeting to it, and the cloud which welcomed them. The name Aotea was given both to the Great Barrier and to the North Island, but the latter became Aotearoa, presumably because of its length.

According to certain authorities, the other meanings are: big glaring light (Hochstetter); continuously clear light, or land of abiding day (Stowell); long white world (Wilson); long bright world, long daylight, long lingering day, or long bright land (Cowan); and long bright day (Tregear). A good case could probably be made out for the land of abiding day, or similar names. Maui, who is closely connected with New Zealand in mythology, once snared the sun and beat him to make him travel more slowly across the sky. Perhaps Maui achieved the same end when he sailed south to fish up New Zealand where there is longer day with long twilight, particularly in the south.

It's also known as "the land of the wrong white crowd"  ::)
Bet you're sorry you asked now  ;)

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: August 20, 2019, 11:12 PM »
O’Toole stunned the priest one Sunday by showing up at mass for the first time in living memory. Afterward, the priest asked O’Toole what had made him finally come to mass.

O’Toole looked the priest in the eye and said, “Father, I cannot lie to you. I lost me good hat, and I know old Dunne has a hat just like it. I thought I’d leave mass early, and just take along old Dunne’s hat from the hat rack, sort of 'by mistake,' if you know what I mean.”
“But I see you’re still hatless,” said the priest. “What changed your mind, O’Toole?”
“Your sermon on the ten commandments, Father,” O’Toole replied.
“Ah,” said the priest. “So when you heard the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal,' you decided not to take Dunne’s hat for yourself.”
“Not exactly, Father,” said O’Toole. “When you mentioned the one about not committing adultery, I remembered where I left me hat.

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: August 20, 2019, 11:11 PM »
Mick and Dave were fishing on the shoreline

when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he hadn’t any matches, he asked
Dave for a light.

'Ya, sure, I think I have a lighter,' Dave replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where did you get that monster?'

'Well,' replied Dave, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You have a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Dave.

'Could I see him?'

Dave opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey there! I'm a good pal of your master,
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there
waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Dave, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks!'

Dave answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: August 20, 2019, 11:09 PM »
My mate sent his hearing aid off to be fixed. He’s heard nothing back.

15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: August 20, 2019, 11:08 PM »
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg

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