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Messages - Kiwi

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1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 18, 2019, 04:18 AM »
Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 18, 2019, 04:15 AM »
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like......night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
6. Depression is like anger without enthusiasm.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
8. Support Bacteria..........they're the only culture some people have!
9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
10. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
12. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand.
13. OK - so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
18. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 18, 2019, 12:40 AM »
My wife loves all the lady Hollywood film stars of the 40's, Hedy Lamar, Marylyn Monroe, and especially Greta Garbo, just lately she's started eating grass seed, and when questioned about it all she says is " I vont to be A Lawn"

5
General Discussion / Re: Adventure before Dementia
« on: April 02, 2019, 02:57 AM »
Well, it's almost 9 months since I started this thread and guess wot ??, yep we're still stuck in sunny Hastings NZ, the house sold in days but .... trying to sell the business has been (almost) as bad as Brexit, had a couple of tyre kickers that wasted several months but hopefully we'll find out in the next couple of days of a deal has finally been signed (sound familiar) so at the moment Mrs Kiwi plus me and the dawg are sweating like a paratrooper at a spelling test  :) We do have a Plan B if the current deal falls through and that'll mean we have to hang around while we get a couple of new staff members up to speed which all things considered wont be too bad coz it's almost winter down here in Noo Zild. Meanwhile I'll have to console meself with a few tins of Dandelion and Burdock which I can get from the local pound ($2) shop  ;) They even sell Tizer in cans but it's not like the stuff that came in a bottle  :-\ , the D&B is pretty authentic even though it's made in Glasgow.

We've been renting a nice ikkle cottage about 50 yards from my workplace since Chrimbo and it's quite a novelty living in town as we can walk to the shops and restaurants instead of driving half an hour each way  :) .

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 02, 2019, 12:02 AM »
I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered......."They are right behind you".

7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 01, 2019, 11:59 PM »
A water flooded boggy marshy meadow was being drained prior to a new housing estate being built, a large pump was fired up, and the water slowly drained away. A local nature conservation group turned up and told the builders" You have to stop pumping, there are rare species of amphibians and wild life living there, Turn off the pump, its draining rats and frogs".

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 01, 2019, 11:58 PM »
A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 01, 2019, 11:57 PM »
I've got to go to a dyslexia support meeting.

Bugger that for a game of shoulders.

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 01, 2019, 11:57 PM »
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was drawn to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man was praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A brother? your father?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

11
Talking about Ashton / Re: Tameside One finished video
« on: April 01, 2019, 12:09 AM »
Great video, a minor improvement over the last ivory tower but still a very boring building.

12
General Discussion / Re: Manchester United F.C.
« on: March 26, 2019, 01:40 AM »
Last Thursday, a man was arrested for throwing rubbish onto a park in Kazakhstan. A police spokesman said a Mr A McLeish has been bailed to appear in court next week.

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 26, 2019, 01:35 AM »
At one point during a school football match, the sports master called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," he continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, swear at and attack the referee, or call him rude names. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the pitch so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your sports master a stupid a*sehole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the sports master. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 26, 2019, 01:34 AM »
Korean OAP goes to the optician in USA.

Optician examines him and says 'You got a cataract'








'No' he replies. 'I got a Rincoln Continental'

15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 26, 2019, 01:32 AM »
Why are there no headache pills in the Jungle?
Coz the parrots eat them all.

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