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Messages - Kiwi

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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 18, 2018, 02:49 AM »
A must-read book for breeders of budgerigars.
"Budgerigars - their breeding and training" by Hugh Zapritti-Boyden

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 18, 2018, 12:01 AM »
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’

No one moved.

The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 18, 2018, 12:00 AM »
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can’t even begin to imagine how their mind is working….
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. ‘Well, then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’

Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2018, 11:56 PM »
 Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

“Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need.”

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?”

“Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.”

“We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?”

“Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now HE was special !”

With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!”

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio!!”

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2018, 11:47 PM »
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, ‘Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?’

He hadn’t and said so.

Then she said, ‘Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.’

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave…

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

‘Well, is she selling drugs?’ she asked excitedly. ‘No, she’s not,’ he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

‘Well, what is it then? What does she do ?’ his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, ‘She’s a battery salesperson.’

‘Batteries?’ cried the wife.

‘Yes!’ he replied.

‘She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!’

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 17, 2018, 11:44 PM »
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’ The drunk shouts, ‘Yes, oi am.’

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’ The drunk replies, ‘No, oi haven’t found Jesus.’

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus me brother?’ The drunk again answers, ‘No, oi I haven’t found Jesus.’

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, ‘For the love of God have you found Jesus?’

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

Memory Lane / Re: Guide Bridge Mill
« on: July 12, 2018, 02:21 AM »
A belated many happy returns  :)

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 05, 2018, 04:15 AM »
Security escorted me out of the Job Centre this morning after I called them all lazy, uncaring and useless bastards.

To be honest, I hated that job anyway.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 05, 2018, 04:13 AM »
We went to a restaurant tonight that specialised in cooking exotic animals and birds.

The Pelican was really tasty, but the bill was enormous!

General Discussion / Re: Manchester United F.C.
« on: July 05, 2018, 04:12 AM »
The young Thai footballers trapped in a flooded cave have been told they will need to learn to dive.

Once Brazil are knocked out of the world cup, they are going to send Neymar to teach them.

Memory Lane / Re: Guide Bridge Mill
« on: July 02, 2018, 10:55 PM »
I don't think it would have been mentioned  in the papers due to keeping everything  hush hush   Fudge
My thoughts exactly, loose lips sink ships and all that  ;)

Talking about Ashton / Re: Market webcam back
« on: June 26, 2018, 12:56 AM »
Warm enough for you yet ?  ;)

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 20, 2018, 11:57 PM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 20, 2018, 11:53 PM »

Talking about Ashton / Re: Market webcam back
« on: June 20, 2018, 11:50 PM »

Winter Solstice in Kiwi-land today, 10C showers and cold southerlies, next week looks nice with mid to high teens.
Kiwi's forecast for Ashton next week is HOT!!! HOT and getting hotter  8) 8) 8)

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