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Messages - Kiwi

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1
Ask a question.... / Re: Recipe for 'Tater Ash'
« on: February 17, 2018, 10:53 PM »
Pancake day and as always Mrs Kiwi has made them too thin.

I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 13, 2018, 09:50 PM »
The Magnificent Seven were booked to film some aftershave adverts in Liverpool, but only six of them showed up.

Yul never wore Cologne.

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 13, 2018, 09:45 PM »
The top 15 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2017 are:

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 13, 2018, 03:41 AM »

5
Talking about Ashton / Re: Market webcam back
« on: February 13, 2018, 12:05 AM »
Yesterday was a belter, 36c and 100% humidity,  was like trying to work in a sauna, it's just reached 32 at midday and the warmest bit of the day is yet to come, think I'll move to Aussie, it's cooler there  ;) Rang me olde Mum last night she said it was snowing in Droylsden  ;D

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 12, 2018, 12:28 AM »
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a muffin in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 12, 2018, 12:27 AM »
Horse is in the pub having a few, spots a donkey in the corner. So he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living?"
Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach. Did you win anything?"
Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy, he's done everything". So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
Horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?"
Donkey replies "Oh, that's me when I played for Newcastle United."

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 12, 2018, 12:26 AM »
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

9
Round and About / Re: SHOPS IN ASHTON
« on: February 08, 2018, 11:23 PM »
Same thing is happening all over the shop (sorry)  ;)

Interesting article here with regard to shopping in A-U-L in the 80's.

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 31, 2018, 02:28 AM »
Some years ago, Prince Charles visited New Zealand. Every evening during his tour he would phone Mummy & tell her of the day’s events and plan for the next day.

Whilst staying in Wellington he phoned Buck House and said "Mummy, it’s been such a lovely day, though a little cold! Tomorrow they will be taking me to Wainouiomata – what do you think I should wear?"

Mummy replied "Wainouiomata? (pause) Wainouiomata? (pause again). Where the f**ks that???"

Anyway, the phone line was a bit crackly by then & Charles hung up.

The next day Charles turns up at the function in Wainouiomata wearing a magnificent brown fur hat, it was a nice hat but he did look a bit awkward with it on.

Everybody admired that hat, and an official asked Charles, "Your Highness, why are you wearing that magnificent hat??".

To which the Prince replied, "I telephoned Mummy for some wardrobe advice last night, and she just said "Wear the fox hat!".

11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 31, 2018, 02:24 AM »
“Hi Mum How are you”

“Hi Son where are you? I thought you were with your father at Mitre 10”

“Yeah we were but I got arrested they’ve let me make one phone call”

“What happened?”

“Oh I punched this abo Sheila in the head.”

“What on earth?????”

“I don’t really think it was my fault though… Dad told me to go find a Black & Decker.”

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 31, 2018, 02:20 AM »
In the fun world of the administration of N Z Justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room.

Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example:
On a bitterly cold winter’s day several weeks ago on the Desert Road at high altitude, a N Z Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

“What’s the matter?” asked the constable.

“Carburettor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.
“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”
“Can’t.”
“OK, watch me and I will show you.”
The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the Waiouru constabulary office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: “On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded …….”

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 31, 2018, 02:13 AM »
A woman goes into a Sports Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ”Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, ”Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ”That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only £20.00.”

She says, ”It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

”Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, ”That’ll be £34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ”Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for £20.00? How did you get £34.50?”

He replies, ”Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is £20.00, but the Duck Call is £11.00 and the Fly Trap is £3.50″

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 31, 2018, 02:06 AM »
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot stuck in his ear and a banana up his nose. He says, “Doctor I don’t feel very well.”

The Doctor says, “I’m not surprised. You’re not eating properly!”

15
Talking about Ashton / Re: New building in photos
« on: January 18, 2018, 10:20 PM »
Hi Albert  I heard that how many half built building will there be if it goes bust will the government get them out .or will new charter step in lol  :)

My money is on a Government (Taxpayer) bailout. Meanwhile the fat-cats at Carrilion pocket their bonuses.

I blame Brexit  ;D

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