Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - Kiwi

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 193
1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 09, 2018, 12:47 AM »
A man was in hospital recovering from a minor operation. His family were there and he remarked that having not made a will, he wanted to make his wishes clear 'just in case.'

"Roger, my eldest, I want you to have the Mansion and Gate House on River View Road, Jane, I want you to have the Flats on Glebe Street, Brian, you will have the houses on wood Street and I want you, my beloved wife, to have all of Edward Street and the Estate." He then spoke to his youngest who had been chatting up the nurse. "Gary my boy, we'll hopefully talk again when you are more mature and responsible.

As they were leaving, the nurse remarked to Gary "I didn't realise that your father was such a wealthy property owner." Gary replied "He's not, he's a window cleaner."

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2018, 04:05 AM »
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom .

The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister.

The congregation was aghast, you could almost hear a pin drop.

The groom's jaw dropped as he stared at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say ?"

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

And that's what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2018, 04:04 AM »
What did the cowboy say in the German car dealership?

Audi.

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2018, 04:03 AM »
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?


Aye matey.

5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2018, 04:02 AM »
It's not so easy as you think to donate a kidney.

They ask all sorts of awkward questions, like, " Where did you get it?" and "Whose is it?"

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2018, 04:02 AM »
Can you take skin from your buttocks and transplant it onto someone who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

7
General Discussion / Re: Adventure before Dementia
« on: November 02, 2018, 03:06 AM »
We're almost there  :) at the moment we're living in our shed on wheels but still working 5 days a week, we're looking at hitting the road full time from Dec 1st, just in time for summer  ;)

Heading up to Auckland in a couple of weeks to sort out some teething troubles, you woulda thunk that when they chopped the top off the cab to drop the body on they would have remembered to re-connect the GPS and radio aerials before fitting all the cupboards and stuff wouldn't you ?  ::)

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 23, 2018, 01:32 AM »
Whoever stole my anti-depressants..........I hope you're happy now.

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 23, 2018, 01:30 AM »
Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere. A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 23, 2018, 01:28 AM »
We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set. So I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.

11
Round and About / Re: Memories of living in a Prefab
« on: October 17, 2018, 01:38 AM »
Squirrel attack of the nuts stains all the pool area with almost black stains which are almost impossible to remove.
Had the same problem in Queensland (OZ) flippin fruit bats getting into the mango trees around the pool, bat guano everywhere  >:( >:( >:(

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 14, 2018, 10:35 PM »
"What you up to?"

"I'm just watching The X Factor, dad."

What a way to find out your son will never make it to University.

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 14, 2018, 10:35 PM »
A young constable sees his mates getting knocked down and beaten during a riot, bricks, bottles and stones flying everywhere. Thousands of violent protesters outnumber the police ten to one...

After a couple of minutes the young copper cracks and runs, ending up cowering in a shop doorway. A figure stands over him and places a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Come on son," says the figure "You're mates are still out their holding the line and doing their duty. They're relying on you - don't let them down...don't let yourself down...don't let the force down."

The young copper takes a deep breath..."You're right sarge, I'll be alright now." He stands up and starts to walk back to the line.

The figure says "Well, done lad...oh, and by the way, it's Chief Superintendent, not Sergeant"

"Bloody hell!" say the young copper "I didn't realise I'd run that far back..."

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 14, 2018, 10:34 PM »
If you get a really good Crematorium do you call it the Crem De La Crem ?

15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 14, 2018, 10:32 PM »
They told me Iíd never be any good at poetry because Iím dyslexic, but I've proved them wrong. So far Iíve made two jugs, an ashtray and a vase!

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 193