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Messages - Kiwi

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1
General Discussion / Re: The 'dreaded' BREXIT.......and beyond.
« on: July 04, 2019, 10:18 PM »
Posted elsewhere but ..........  :) :) :) :)


2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 03, 2019, 03:38 AM »
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 01, 2019, 11:40 PM »
For them that remember...


5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 01, 2019, 11:38 PM »
So True !



6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: July 01, 2019, 11:30 PM »
A young doctor had moved to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I’ve been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn’t even examine that woman, how did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. I knew that was what probably was making her sick’’.
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once had and said, "I’m feeling terribly run down lately."
"You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

7
General Discussion / Re: Adventure before Dementia
« on: June 25, 2019, 10:46 PM »
About time I updated this post.

The efforts to sell the business failed to fly, basically the problem was that prospective buyers had no real equity and were trying to borrow 100% to finance the purchase of the business and not realising that they would struggle to meet the outgoings. It's not like they were buying a hairdressing salon or a corner shop with a few quids worth of stock, we're talking millions of bucks worth of gear  ::)
Anyhoo, we implemented Plan B (there's always a Plan B) We took the business off the market, headhunted a new manager who in turn is currently sourcing a new administrator/co-ordinator and a logistics and compliance manager to replace SWMBO and myself  :) The upshot of all this is that Mrs Kiwi and I have handed in our resignations effective from the end of August and will be hitting the frog & toad in early spring,   :) :) :) :) Only a year behind schedule  :-\ but it's given us a chance to fine tune everything ready for life on the road  ;)

8
Talking about Ashton / Re: Market webcam back
« on: June 25, 2019, 10:31 PM »
According to the weather girl the worlds biggest high pressure system is plonked right atop Kiwiland and is expected to hang around for a week or so, cold frosty mornings followed by bright and sunny days, temperatures in the mid-teens. Not bad for the start of winter.  :)

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 25, 2019, 09:18 PM »
This week I joined a Poetry Group for Dyslexic people. The first night I made two pots and a vase...

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 24, 2019, 01:21 AM »

11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 24, 2019, 01:20 AM »


12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 24, 2019, 01:18 AM »
I was outside my shop selling lion, the witch, and the wardrobe memorabilia.
A passer by asked me what I was doing.
I told them it's Narnia business.

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 19, 2019, 03:29 AM »
A man walks into a chemist store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for teenagers, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for students,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 19, 2019, 02:11 AM »

15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 17, 2019, 10:58 PM »
A man walks into a chemist store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for teenagers, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for students,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….

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