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Messages - Kiwi

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1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 21, 2017, 05:05 AM »
TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the ” Chrysler Beagle”?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer’ s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.

11. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last two questions . . .

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 21, 2017, 05:04 AM »
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,’ how do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?’

‘Who said my Father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer. ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Nono’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’ s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to? ‘

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 21, 2017, 04:54 AM »
Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

********************

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

“What have you got there?”

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

“Pies, you Dumb Ass”

********************

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings’ horses,

And all the kings’ men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad……..

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 21, 2017, 04:52 AM »
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa (It's in Noo Zulland) . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take
everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 21, 2017, 04:47 AM »
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?ST.

FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: “Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 14, 2017, 11:30 PM »
Updated Lyrics

Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin :
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.

Herman’s Hermits :
Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr :
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees — – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip..

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash :
I Can’t See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores :
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye :
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer :
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations :
Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba:
Dent ure Queen.

Tony Orlando :
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy :
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore:
It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least:

Willie Nelson :
On the Commode Again

7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 14, 2017, 11:19 PM »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 14, 2017, 11:16 PM »
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about this problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia.

“Aha!” mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

“Ahhha!” said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants to see if he was still in pain. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc’s office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

“Gee, Doc, what did you do?” he asked.

The doc replied, “I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots.”

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 14, 2017, 11:14 PM »
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country he was searching for one.

A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh, went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate his skills. The Chinese Samurai also opened matchbox, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh, went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whooooosh, Whooooosh. But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled. "Well," he replied, "circumcision is not meant to kill."

10
Talking about Ashton / Re: Market webcam back
« on: September 13, 2017, 10:27 PM »
Meanwhile in the land of the wrong white crowd it's 9.30 in the morning and the mercury has already hit a pleasant 27C  :) Spring Equinox next Friday , I'm luvvin this climate change stuff  ;)

11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 07, 2017, 12:22 AM »
A true story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.

There is a moral to this story; but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh…if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly…and I will grab him!”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….

Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish leaps for it…that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake; but I can tell you there’s more….

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish…the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime)’
“Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..and that fish jumps for that fly … and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that
bear…and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich …then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs the fish… The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… The cat jumps for the
mouse.. The mouse ducks…The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: ?

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 07, 2017, 12:00 AM »
 Different Cops
Question: How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a New Zealand Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer: Pose the following question:

‘You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a 9mm pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?’

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER’S Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it, am I using it in an H&S approved fashion?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 1-1-1; would they just send me a taxi?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

Will the Australian tax payer foot the bill for his compo claim if I injure him?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?

Am I being culturally sensitive to the attacker if I shoot him, will I be offending his human rights if I wound or kill him?

Will I have to defend myself in court as a racist if I shoot him?

———————————————————————-

NZ OFFICER’S Answer:

BANG!

———————————————————————-

AMERICAN OFFICER’S Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!

Click….(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!

Click.

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?’

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 06, 2017, 11:53 PM »
Cannibal Restaurant — A cannibal was walking through the
jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked
over the menu:

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
‘Why such a price difference for the Politicians?’
The cook replied, ‘Have you ever tried to clean one?
They’re so full of shit, it takes all morning.’

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 06, 2017, 11:40 PM »
Daffy duck on a dirty weekend, calls reception and asks for a condom.

The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies…

Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate !

15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 06, 2017, 11:38 PM »
In flight event – reported in a recent BA flight log

After British Airways flight BA293 reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is John Stirk – your captain for today. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York JFK to Manchester . The weather ahead is good, and we have a following jet-stream, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight, arriving 30 minutes before our scheduled landing time. So sit back, relax and ………… OH, JESUS CHRIST!”

Absolute petrified silence followed from all the 225 passengers!

A few seconds later, the captain came back on the intercom:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!”

One relieved passenger broke the silence, and shouted back:

“You should see the back of mine mate!”

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