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Topics - LCGI

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1
Smile, please! / For the golfers and drinkers amongst us!
« on: May 20, 2017, 03:21 PM »
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner


The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.

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Smile, please! / Whales...
« on: May 20, 2017, 03:15 PM »
I was sitting in a pub one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

3
Smile, please! / Husband Farting
« on: May 20, 2017, 03:12 PM »
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one sunday morning as she was preparing the Turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

4
Smile, please! / Senior Shoplifter
« on: May 20, 2017, 03:08 PM »
A Cranky woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the Magistrate, he asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The Magistrate then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to shop with."

The Magistrate asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care ?"

The Magistrate answered, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in Prison -- one day for each peach."

As he was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The Magistrate said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honour -  she also stole two cans of peas...

5
General Discussion / 1st May 2017
« on: May 01, 2017, 01:25 AM »
To all here and passing by....... Happy May Day.

Does anyone still see or do - the Pole Dance?

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General Discussion / ANZAC Day 2017
« on: April 24, 2017, 09:37 PM »
 We Shall Remember Them - LEST WE FORGET

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Smile, please! / How to clean the Toilet
« on: April 17, 2017, 07:58 PM »
This was simply too much of a Time-Saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the Toilet up, and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the Lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 

5. Flush the toilet three or four Times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will self dry.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

8
General Discussion / Happy Easter
« on: April 15, 2017, 08:35 PM »
G'day,

Just a wish for everyone passing by - have a Safe and Happy Easter 2017.

Regards,
-Larry

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Smile, please! / Prince Charles and the Hooker
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:42 PM »
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street
corner he passed, a hooker was standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd
yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany Charles.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for Camilla.

As they neared the hooker’s corner he became more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact and watched Charles and Camilla.

Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds - you cheap bugger!"

10
Smile, please! / Vaseline!
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:36 PM »
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small  children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain
or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

11
Smile, please! / Best fishing story I ever heard!!
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:32 PM »
A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30
customers a day.

"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here
in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but
you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was
going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold
him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"

12
Smile, please! / Engineers #3
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:26 PM »
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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Smile, please! / Engineers #2
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:24 PM »
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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Smile, please! / Engineers #1
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:21 PM »
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

15
General Discussion / Robinson Crusoe ?
« on: April 06, 2017, 03:38 PM »
Hello if anyone comes by....

Most times I log-on to the forum - I seem to be here all alone ??

Anyways, have great day.

- Larry

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