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Topics - Kiwi

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General Discussion / Adventure before Dementia
« on: July 23, 2018, 05:01 AM »
Apologies for being a wee bit AWOL from this forum but Mrs Kiwi and I have been otherwise engaged in the throes of selling our home of the last 18 years and moving stuff to and fro into and out of our new abode, have finally remembered to take some photos of our home on wheels. Our house sold surprisingly quickly, listed on a Tuesday, sold by Friday and for a good price as well  :)
We'll be moving in on the first weekend in August and using it as a base till we find somebody to take over our jobs and then we are gonna hit the road, it's been an interesting last few weeks deciding what we need and what we don't, downsizing from a 4 bedroom (huge by UK standards) home to something smaller than our dining room, however it has everything that opens and shuts, even a washing machine !. We can't wait to hit the road, we have mobile wireless data and phones sorted so we'll keep in touch and post updates when we can.

Ask a question.... / Users Online
« on: June 14, 2018, 04:20 AM »
Due to my geographical location I'm often awake whilst many other members of this forum are knocking out the ZZZZZZ's while curled up in their flea-pits. It's often interesting to click on the "Users Online" to see who is logged on, usually it's KENNETHO or Jaywit or other users from the colonies in the Northern Hemisphere. Usually there's up to 30 odd people on line, even if half of these are 'bots' there's obviously a fair few still using the forum which begs the question "Who are these 'visitors' and secondly why would a handful of them want to view members profiles ??  :)

Edited to add, the times are NZ so in A-U-L time just after 4 in the morning.

General Discussion / The Wedding
« on: May 17, 2018, 12:28 AM »

It seems a bit mean-spirited to wish them other than well. However,  the best wedding present Good Queen Lizzy could give them would involve  Tower Hill, an axe and whoever is running their media circus.

Just a thought  ;)

Round and About / Another Terrorist Abomination
« on: May 23, 2017, 04:46 AM »
Sitting here just about in tears, went out on a delivery this morning heard breaking news about an explosion at a concert in England, got back a couple of hours later, 20 dead, dozens injured, young kids cut down in their prime and for what ?.

My thoughts are with the victims, their families, friends and also with the emergency services, the police, nurses, ambulance service and all the others who have to deal with this.

Stay strong people.

General Discussion / Brady
« on: May 16, 2017, 05:08 AM »

Give his remains to medical science as a cadaver.

May he never be laid at rest.

General Discussion / Cancer Cure ?
« on: May 15, 2017, 02:54 AM »

Am surprised this isn't all over the media,
Dr Victoria Gordon is a PhD though, linked at the high echelons of -

We hear so much of false news just lately. If this is a sample, it would be very cruel for folk who have their hopes raised.

Have heard that 50 Shades of Grey is about to be released at the pictures so here's a few excerpts from the script, hope you like em  ;)

1    At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

2    Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

3    'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

4    Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

5    As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'

6    'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

7    Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

8    'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

9    She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

10    She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

11    They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

12    'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

13    Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

14    'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

15    'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

16    'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.

17    My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

18    'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

19    'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

20    As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.

Smile, please! / The Green Thing
« on: February 03, 2015, 10:53 PM »
Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young cashier responded, "That's our problem today - your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re- used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalise our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building. We walked to the local shop and didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's Terry Towel nappies because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy- gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every room and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Scotland In the kitchen. We blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's £50,000 ‘People Carrier’ which cost the same as a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest Pub!

But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart arse young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off, (sorry, 'really upset us'), especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smart bugger who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is !.

Here endeth the bloody lesson !!  ;)

Now the site of the retail park, but can anybody remember where the transport cafe was ?, I'm pretty sure it was directly opposite the Snipe Inn but the general area has changed so much in the last 50 years it's almost beyond recognition. Cheethams Transport had a yard behind the cafe but they're also long gone, can vaguely remember somebody telling me Reyners had taken them over but can't be sure, anybody got any info or photos ?, Cheers in advance.

General Discussion / Don't be shy.
« on: June 09, 2014, 01:53 AM »
Just looked at the stats for the post about D-Day, over 1500 views but only a handful of replies, seems to me there's a lot of people reading the posts on the forum but not many are putting fingers on keyboards so, come on, don't be shy, we won't bite  ;)

Ask a question.... / Where is the DSS office ?
« on: March 02, 2014, 07:58 PM »
Need a bit of a hand, my Mum wants to advise the pension people that they no longer have to pay me stepfather any more due to him shuffling off his mortal coil, running down the curtain and joining the choir invisible  :-\ had a quick google and all I can find is an 0845 (which costs) number or that a visit to the citizens advice bureau is needed, so I'd like to know how do you actually get to speak to somebody at the DSS ?.

General Discussion / Predictions for 2014
« on: January 09, 2014, 01:37 AM »
With some of the surprising events of 2013, I just wondered if anyone could predict future ones for 2014.

Here's a few I've found....

China will shoot down a Japanese plane overflying their newly drawn airspace

North Korea, more sabre rattling, but comes to nothing.

War in Syria spreads to involve Lebanon

Phil the Greek dies - big state funeral

UKIP landslide EU elections, libdems to vanish.

Scotland says no to "independence".


Scotland vote to go independent then regrets it when everyone is poor as dirt because Salmond had no idea on fiscal policy.

Brazil to win world cup. England out at group stage.

Italy to need a bailout.

Blair is assassinated in the Middle East when they get as sick of him as we are

Ed Milliband crys like a six year old girl when bested at PMQ's (you know its coming)

The Japan/China land grab is resolved when archaeologists dig down and find 'Made in China' printed on the bottom

Putin comes out of the closet

President Obama steps down from the Oval office suddenly to pursue a rap career

Some famous people die. BBC news goes into meltdown.

Some unknown people die in a Natural disaster. BBC news goes into meltdown.

Some child is born. BBC news goes into meltdown.

Some war either starts or continues. BBC news goes into meltdown.

Some famous person is caught/admits taking drugs. BBC news goes into meltdown.

Some famous person is outed/cleared as a kiddie fiddler. BBC news goes into meltdown.

Prince Harry gets engaged in March. Marries in June. A child is born in November.

To prevent the spread of disease a complete ban on farting in public spaces is implemented.

Shergars remains discovered in a wheelie bin behind Mac Paddies in Dublin.

Kim Jong Un appears on The Voice - and wins.

Bruce Forsyth dies during the live final of Strictly.

Bear Grylls dies in horrific active volcano parachute drop - live on Youtube.

Ed Millipede 'selfies' at the Cenotaph and resigns in disgrace.

Ant and Dec 'marry' in Civil Partnership during the live final of I'm a Celebrity.

China applies to join the EU - and gets in the following day.

China bails out Spain and occupies Gibraltar.

Royal Navy disbands.

RAF rebranded as 'easyLife'.

China wins Eurovision Song Contest.

Pope Benedict stages a Coup D'Etat at the Vatican in response to Pope Francis' reforms.

Silvio Berlusconi is hanged drawn and quartered for tax fraud. There is live coverage on all of his own tv channels.

Some Johnny Foreigner will be blamed for the end of middle England in the Daily Mail

The readers will be outraged and demand the death penalty is brought back

Some Z list celeb will seek attention.

Wars will continue to kill people

Elvis remains dead

We will all be here, same time, next year saying the same things, same arguments,

Homosexuality will be outed as just a fad by attention seekers.

Stephen Hawkins will have a tecno version on "theres no business like show business" at number one in the charts.

Pakistan will wipe the floor with the rest of the world at crown green bowling.

Germany will not invade anyone.

France will tax itself out of existence.

Great Britain will continue on a slightly upward economic trajectory, causing the BBC to concentrate even more of its news coverage on the plight of the feckless and how they can't get Sky sports on benefits anymore.

Italy will carry on as usual,just one more economic catastrophe to add to its record.

President Obama will be caught wiping off his "blacking up" make-up, and following a lengthy investigation by the Daily Express, be found to be George Bush.

France will be annexed by Belgium.

Due to panic amongst the mainstream parties over the EU elections - there will be a serious attempt to discredit UKIP as the left-wing media and political parties join forces.

Riots in Spain over Catalonia etc.

Unrest in several UK areas amongst immigrants.

Plans will be made for Charles to succeed the queen as sovereign in the next 2 years should she still be alive then.

Some form of scandal with the American president.

Another "epidemic" will be announced causing widespread panic amongst chavs who will flood surgeries to get themselves and their offspring innoculated against.

Turmoil with the water companies as the past two years weather (constant rain) forces them to concede the problem is due to poor maintenance and leakages rather than drought.

A semi civilized dump in central Africa and another in the Middle East erupt into civil war and we just ignore it. Finally.

Liverpool FC finish in 19th position in the Premier League, just ahead of Man Utd, and are relegated.

Illegal immigrants to Australia finally get the message that they'll be dumped on Nauru or Manus Island.

Consequently they do the obvious thing and bugger off to the UK.

In retaliation the UK uses its few remaining naval vessels to ship its burgeoning collection of pikeys and gypos to Australia in an attempt to recreate the original First Fleet.

Romanian becomes the official language of Denton.

Moyes sacked from Man U.

Or was that 2013?

Brought to you by the good people at The Internet.

Ask a question.... / Thinking about moving to OZ ?.
« on: December 19, 2013, 12:34 AM »
August 31
Just got transferred with work from Ashton to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Ashton !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from bloody Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the bloody air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the bloody air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
bloody thief.

November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to bloody throttle him.
bloody heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my bloody clothes are soaking bloody wet and I smell like baked cat.
bloody place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my bloody arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my bloody arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
bugger. bugger bugger.

November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a bloody recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and bloody sunny.
It never bloody changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 flippin months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn bloody place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the ruddy pool.
The only things that thrive in this bloody hell-hole are the bloody flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little barstewards!

November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 bleedin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner has gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the bleedin' car up his bloody arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid sod.
bloody Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented bloody idiot would want to live here!

December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are @#!*ing kidding me!

Ask a question.... / Is there anything Australians won't pinch ?.
« on: December 18, 2013, 02:34 AM »
Not content with trying to nick Phar Lap, Split Enz, Pavlova, Fred Dagg, Sergio Bejezuss Petersen, Crowded House and Russell Crowe (actually you're welcome to him) the sons of sheep stealers are at it again, this time claiming the iconic Kiwi may be one of their own.


I feel violated  :(

Ask a question.... / Something Fishy ?.
« on: December 05, 2013, 02:37 AM »
Was chatting with my girlfriend earlier (don't tell Mrs Kiwi  ;) ) she's not far from the Trough in Audenshaw and reckon's there's a real strong pong in the air tonight  ???. Had a look on the MEN webite and found a link here, so who's been chucking out last years smoked salmon ?  :)

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