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Messages - Kiwi

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1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 20, 2017, 01:36 AM »
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Ayr Town centre.

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 20, 2017, 01:07 AM »
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, ‘This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.’

The Priest said, ‘No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.’

The little boy replied, ‘If you rub turpentine on a cat’s arse, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson !’

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 10, 2017, 12:11 AM »
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In the US they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

And Finally………………………

In New Zealand, they hung up, because they couldn’t understand the Indian accent.

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 10, 2017, 12:04 AM »
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

“Tarzan not know sex” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said “Oh ,….Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified Jane said, ” Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. “Here” she said, pointing to her privates, “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ” What did you do that for ?”

Tarzan replied, ” Tarzan check for bees”

5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 09, 2017, 11:59 PM »
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an arsehole . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So my wife called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window which read "I support Jeremy Corbyn "

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 09, 2017, 02:07 AM »
What do they call a Samoan overstayer in Noo Zulland ?, Toolongaloafa  ;)

7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2017, 02:18 AM »
A father and son were going hunting together for the first time.

“Stay here and be very quiet,” said the father, “I’ll be across the field.”

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

“What’s wrong? I told you to be quiet.”

The boy replied, “Look, I was quiet then the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ I guess I just panicked.”

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2017, 02:17 AM »
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestlers trainer came to him and said ”Now don’t forget all the research we have done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of his “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do,do not let him get you in the hold! If he does your finished.
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him in the dreaded “Pretzel” hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly , there was a long, High pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked ”How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!".
The wrestler answered ”Well I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could”
The trainer exclaimed “That's what finished him off?”
“Not really, You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2017, 02:06 AM »
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upmarket store and approached the saleslady in lingerie. "Do you have a size 29AAAAbra ?", The woman haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another store where she was rebuffed in much the same manner.  After a third try at another store in the mall she had become disgusted, leaving the mall, she got the tram to Primark. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling "Do you have anything for this?",  the lady looked closely and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil ?".

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2017, 02:00 AM »
TO CONTINUE………………..

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ??

Helloooooooooooooooo, her husband speaks English, Now get back to your emails.

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU LOT SOMETIMES ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2017, 01:58 AM »
A Russian woman married an Aussie bloke and they lived happily ever after in Hervey Bay. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how o put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store………

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN



















Next Page .............................

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: November 02, 2017, 01:55 AM »
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, “OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,” and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel’s surprise, it was Bill Clinton.

“Mr. Clinton, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”

Bill said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away.

As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Clinton finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,” and he lets Bill enter

A few seconds later, Donald Trump comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head. Finally he says, “Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.”

Trump says, “OK, picture this. I’m naked, inside a refrigerator……

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 26, 2017, 02:09 AM »
This explains why I forward jokes.


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’

‘This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered. ‘Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.’The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

‘Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked.

‘I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.’

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

‘Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’

‘Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’

‘How about my friend here?’ the traveller gestured to the dog.

‘There should be a bowl by the pump.’

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

‘What do you call this place?’ the traveller asked.

‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.

‘Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveller said. ‘The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.’

‘Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’

‘Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?’

‘No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.’

Soooo…

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 26, 2017, 01:52 AM »
Two Priests were on Holiday
They were determined to make this a real holiday by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist” gear.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde who was just wearing nothing but a bikini bottom, came walking straight towards them.

They couldn’t help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said “Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,”nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured bikini bottom, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said “Good morning Father ~ Good morning Father,”and started to walkaway.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young lady.”

“Yes, Father?”

“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”

She replied,”Father, it’s me, Sister Margaret.”

15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: October 26, 2017, 01:20 AM »
The next person to ask me for some orange juice, some pineapple juice, some cranberry juice and a slice of lemon all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.

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