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Messages - Kiwi

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1
General Discussion / Re: LOSING GREAT FRIENDS.
« on: January 17, 2019, 11:53 PM »
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like ..................

Was sure I'd posted my condolences on the passing of Herby earlier but I must have logged out before doing so, it's always sad to learn of the passing of one of the members of this forum, even though we haven't met them face to face there's a link to a treasure that's lost. RIP Herby.

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2019, 11:05 PM »


3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2019, 11:04 PM »


4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2019, 11:04 PM »


5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2019, 11:03 PM »


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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2019, 11:03 PM »
I'm sure there's a few who'd like Donald to get this wall !!.


7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2019, 10:56 PM »


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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2019, 10:56 PM »


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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 15, 2019, 01:44 AM »
One definition of a gentleman is "a man who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't".



The definition of perfect pitch is being able to throw a set of bagpipes into the toilet without hitting the sides, same goes for the banjo.


Followed by the banjo player.

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 15, 2019, 01:42 AM »
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."

11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 15, 2019, 01:38 AM »
Unfortunately we didn’t pluck our Christmas goose properly and now every time I go to the toilet I’m feeling down in the dumps.

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 07, 2019, 01:17 AM »
I lost my Job at the Elvis Presley snow globe factory. I'm all shook up

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

Is it just me or are magnets really attractive?

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I asked the boss what he wanted me to do with the ten metre roll of bubble wrap he chucked at me. "Just pop it in the corner" he said. Six bloody hours it took me.

Weeks ago my mate got arrested by airport police for getting abusive about the luggage delays. He's still waiting for his case to come up.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!

Woke up tonight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the end of my bed. First I was afraid, then I was petrified!

Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work. Some nutter on the back of it shouting "We're all doomed. The end is nigh. The worlds gonna end today." Turns out it was Farmer Geddon.

People are often shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness. It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.

I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, its a snake".

Met office advice, if you’re travelling today carry a shovel, blanket, spare warm clothing, a thermos flask with a hot drink, and a torch to attract attention. I looked a right idiot on the bus.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.

Someone stole my fake Christmas tree. It's not fir!

I used to disapprove of hitch-hiking but now I've decided to give it the thumbs up.

Burglars broke into my bathroom last night. Luckily they only took my broken scales. They won't get a weigh with it.

I went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock but I had to leave early. People kept winding me up.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small. We're a very tight-knit community.

I asked an angler for some fishing advice but he just told me to sling my hook.

There’s a siege at the zoo. They’ve taken 3 ostriches.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home? He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.

Started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are through the roof!

Just passed an AA man in his van at the side of the road crying his eyes out. I thought he must be heading for a breakdown!

My budgie escaped from it's cage and mated with my dog. I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can l get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.

13
General Discussion / Re: Christmas 2017
« on: December 21, 2018, 01:32 AM »
Te hiahia ki a koe me o koutou whanau i te Kirihimete tino koa me te tau hou haumaru me te pai.

All the best from Kiwi-land.


Trans= Wishing you and your families a very merry christmas and a safe and prosperous new year.

14
General Discussion / Re: Manchester United F.C.
« on: December 21, 2018, 01:26 AM »
HAVE YOU GOT YOUR  BADGES  KIWI....
Am sure I can get hold of a Mickey Mouse badge to go with the new Mickey Mouse Outfit  ;) :)

15
General Discussion / Re: Manchester United F.C.
« on: December 19, 2018, 01:41 AM »
I'm free  ;)

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