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Messages - Kiwi

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1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 20, 2019, 08:08 PM »

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 10, 2019, 09:19 PM »
I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered......."They are right behind you"

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 08, 2019, 03:57 AM »
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request..?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.

As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request..?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.

As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request..?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!

FOR... THE... LAST... F***ING... TIME... "

"BRING POSSE!!"

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 08, 2019, 03:55 AM »
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

He said 'Whale meat again.....  ;)

5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 07, 2019, 03:37 AM »

Possums, an Aussie story!

The churches in Blenheim were suffering from a plague of possums, and were struggling to stop them peeing in the doorways and disturbing early morning and late night services by sliding up and down the roofs.


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possums. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.


The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.


But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.


Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:12 AM »

7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:12 AM »


8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:11 AM »



9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:09 AM »

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:08 AM »


11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:08 AM »



12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:08 AM »


13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:05 AM »

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:04 AM »


15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 03:04 AM »


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