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Messages - Kiwi

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1
Talking about Ashton / Re: New building in photos
« on: January 18, 2018, 10:20 PM »
Hi Albert  I heard that how many half built building will there be if it goes bust will the government get them out .or will new charter step in lol  :)

My money is on a Government (Taxpayer) bailout. Meanwhile the fat-cats at Carrilion pocket their bonuses.

I blame Brexit  ;D

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2018, 01:14 AM »
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork ‘s hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do’.

Paddy said, ‘Oi haven’t got da fingers.’

‘Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2018! We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?!?’

And Paddy said, ‘ How da fock was I ‘spose to pick them up !!!

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2018, 01:09 AM »
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.

“Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Mumbling to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were .. Or what we did

But, by God, we took first and second place.”

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2018, 12:54 AM »
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist’s son brought the teacher a Bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the Teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed.

“No,” the boy replied.

She tasted another drop And asked, ” Champagne ?.

“No,” said the little boy…. “It’s a puppy.”

5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 17, 2018, 12:53 AM »
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , while waiting for their respective flights…

One an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East …
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, ‘At one time here… my people were many…. but sadly, now we are few.’

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
‘Once my people were few,’ he sneers, ‘and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?’

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . …

‘I reckon that’s ’cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
But I do believe it’s a-comin’.’

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 15, 2018, 11:47 PM »
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor.
“Doctor, I don’t feel too good,” said the little paper bag.
“Hmm, you look OK to me,” said the Doctor, “But I‘ll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.”
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
“What’s wrong with me ?” asked the little paper bag.
“I‘m afraid you are HIV positive!” said the doctor.
“No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag !” Said the little paper bag.
“Have you been having unprotected sex ?”asked the doctor.
“NO - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?” asked the doctor.
“NO - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?” queried the doctor.
“NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well”, said the doctor, “Are you in a Sexual Relationship ?”
“NO ! - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”
“Then there can be only one explanation.” said the doctor...
This is good - wait for it .... ... .... ..... ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Your mother must have been a carrier!”

7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 09, 2018, 10:55 PM »
An English father goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to "Mummy and Daddy" on the bed.

With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:





Dearest Mummy & Daddy,



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice - especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big American motorcycle.



But it's not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the bush. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams, too. I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it only for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He really deserves it.



Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jahmal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene, and I get a £200 bonus if there are more than 3 men in the scene and an extra £100 for the sheep.



Don't worry, Mummy, now that I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Daddy so that you can meet your grandchildren.



Your loving daughter,



Sarah





P.S.. Daddy, it's not true - I'm watching television with Jessica and her parents next door.



I just wanted to show you that there really are far worse things in life than England losing The Ashes.

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 09, 2018, 10:51 PM »
I met a japanese man who had faked his own death .
no-one bereaved him .

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 09, 2018, 10:50 PM »
Luigi gets a job as a tour guide in his local village.

He takes the group to the harbour.
'You see all de boats in de harbour? Luigi built all those boats wiv is a bare handsa.
Do they call me Luigi da boat builder? No they donta call me Luigi da boat builder'.

He takes them to the village square.
'You see all de ouses in de square? Luigi built all those ouses wiv is a bare handsa.
Do they call me Luigi da ouse builder? No they donta call me Luigi da ouse builder'

He then takes them out to the fields.
'You see all de wheata in de fields? Luigi planted all that wheat wiv is a bare handsa.
Do they call me Luigi da farmer? No they donta call me Luigi da farmer'

'Luigi, he shaggada one sheep......'

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 09, 2018, 10:48 PM »
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"No problem - I'll let him know," says Goldberg.

11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 09, 2018, 10:44 PM »
Man goes up the reception desk of the sperm donation clinic. After filling in some paperwork the young female receptionist says "I'd like you to masturbate in the cup."
The man replies "Sorry, this is my first visit and I don't think that I'm ready for competition just yet."

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 09, 2018, 10:43 PM »
A wee granny telephoned the Royal Infirmary Hospital and timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?

"The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The granny in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Katie Findlay, Room 32". The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news. Her nurse has told me that Katie is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood test just came back as normal, and her consultant, Dr. Sutherland, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow".

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Katie your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No - A'm Katie Findlay in Room 32. No one tells me anything in here."

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: January 09, 2018, 10:41 PM »
When You're A Marine

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"...
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches . . . but when you’re a Marine--- who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah -- She's pretty good lookin' . . . . . . "
When you’re a Marine -- who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but when you’re a Marine -- who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then . . . try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but when you’re a Marine -- who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re a Marine -- who cares?
**********
I went to our NAAFI disco last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but when you’re a Marine-- who cares?

14
General Discussion / Re: Christmas 2017
« on: January 03, 2018, 01:28 AM »
Comments.?

Didn't know the guy but apparently he used to live not far from where I spent my childhood, it's a bit of a strange one for me because over the years a lot of family and close friends have dropped off the perch around this time of year. My old man popped his clogs Jan 2nd 48 years ago, my sis-in-law kicked the bucket around Chrimbo a couple of years ago and a good few close friends have decided to snuff it around this time and put a real dampener on the festive spirit. I flew over to see my Mum last Xmas thinking she was on her last legs but she decided to bin the chemo which was killing her and she's still with us, wish she'd told me before I bought the tickets  :'( Only kidding  ;)

15
General Discussion / Re: Christmas 2017
« on: December 21, 2017, 09:44 PM »
I'd like to wish members past and present (and their families) all the best for the Xmassy, Stressmass Chrimbo thing along with a safe secure healthy and rewarding Noo Year. Mrs Kiwi and I are looking forwards to a few days off without having to tote the phones around or be on call 24/7 so we'll be switching the cell phones off, turning off the computer and I think I'll just let the battery go flat on the Tablet  ;) . Hopefully we will be able to wind things down work-wise in the next few months and start getting some quality time back in our lives coz believe me when I tell ya "Life's too flippin short". Havvagoodun   :) :) :) :) 8)

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