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Messages - Kiwi

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 203
1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:23 PM »

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:23 PM »



3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:22 PM »


4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:22 PM »


5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 13, 2019, 10:11 PM »
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 10, 2019, 01:20 AM »
A man walks into a Welsh pub in deepest Wales and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from, you sound English?"
"I'm from England replies the man nervously.
"What do you do,in England Asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?" He asks.
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."..

7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 10, 2019, 01:19 AM »
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed watching his wife looking at herself in the mirror. As her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like for a present.
"I'd like to be twelve again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he got up early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and took her to Alton Towers.
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew, The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favorite sweets......M&M's..
At last they staggered home together and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and she replied, "I meant my dress size, you twat!"


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still going to get it wrong

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 10, 2019, 01:17 AM »
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The old bugger had a window cleaning round."

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 08, 2019, 12:02 AM »

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 02, 2019, 04:46 AM »
Stormy Daniels (Donnies old mate) and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:28 PM »
A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit”. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.

12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:19 PM »
An elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, the next one is on me.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:11 PM »
A skeleton walks in to a bar.

Barman: “what can I get you?”

Skeleton: “a pint of Guinness and a mop please”

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 23, 2019, 03:59 AM »
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.
She replied: "Bring flowers to it every month of so, well at least for the first year, after that it will be a bit like our sex life, your birthday and christmas"

15
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 23, 2019, 03:58 AM »
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.


She replied: "Identify it."

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