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Messages - Kiwi

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1
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 21, 2018, 01:17 AM »
A young doctor moved to a small community to replace one who
was retiring. The older doctor suggested that he should accompany him on his rounds.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount and see if that works?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman, How did you know?”
“I dropped my stethoscope on the floor & when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a dozen banana peels in the trash that was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Very clever I’ll try that at the next house.”
At the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did saying, “I’m feeling run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit & see if that helps.”
As they left, the older doctor said, “I know that woman well and she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at that?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the Priest under the bed.”

2
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 19, 2018, 02:02 AM »
When I was a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

3
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 19, 2018, 02:01 AM »
I impressed my history teacher today with my knowledge of Galileo..

I already knew that he was just a poor boy, from a poor family.

4
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 19, 2018, 02:00 AM »
I recently started at a new G.P. practice and went for an over 50 health check.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the Doctor said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 85 ?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor ?"

"Oh, not much grog these days and don't smoke" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued ribs ?"

'I said, "Not much. My former doctor said that red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex ?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why the f**k do you want to live to 85 ?"

5
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 19, 2018, 01:59 AM »
Two men died and went to heaven.
God greeted them upon their arrival and said, “I’m sorry gentlemen but your mansions aren’t ready yet, Until they are, I can send you back to earth as whatever you want be.”
The first man said, “God, I want to be an eagle soaring above the scenery.”
“No problem”, said God and then POOF, he was gone!
Turning to the other man, he asked, “What do you want to be?”
With a huge grin on his face he said “I’d like to be a cool stud!”
“No problem,”said God and the man was gone.
A few months later, when their mansions were ready God sent an angel to fetch them.
“They’ll be easy to find,” said God.
“One will be soaring above the Lake District and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Scotland !”

6
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 11, 2018, 05:07 AM »
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine.'

7
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 11, 2018, 05:05 AM »
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know for sure yet, but it really made a hole in Juan."

8
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 11, 2018, 05:05 AM »
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in Surgery," he answered.

"Oh, I'm sorry...what was it he said," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

9
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2018, 03:39 AM »

10
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2018, 03:38 AM »


11
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2018, 03:38 AM »


12
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2018, 03:37 AM »


13
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2018, 03:32 AM »

14
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: September 03, 2018, 03:31 AM »


Ashton Cocktail

15
General Discussion / Re: Adventure before Dementia
« on: September 03, 2018, 03:29 AM »
Had a nice day at the beach yesterday, weather was great (still winter here) we're still waiting for somebody to buy the place we work at which should happen in the next few weeks and then we are off-ski, just in time for summer  :)

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