Ashton-under-Lyne Forum

General Category => Smile, please! => Topic started by: Vanessa on May 04, 2009, 09:48 PM

Title: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on May 04, 2009, 09:48 PM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily....
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"
"Yes, I remember!" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
"He wipes another tear from his cheek, and says... "I would have gotten out today.


Thought I would start off the new forum with a smile (now we have smilies)  ;D ;D ;D

Vanessa
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 04, 2009, 11:14 PM
What's the difference between a £20 note and Ricky Hatton?

The £20 note will last more than 2 rounds!  :o
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on May 05, 2009, 11:57 AM
Come Come this will never do"said the choirmaster. "Open your mouths and sing boldly. We will start with ' Little drops of water' and for goodness sake-put some spirit into it!"

The choir was practicing the anthem. The choirmaster said to the trebles, "Now don't forget when the tenors reach 'The gatesof Hell' you com in."

At this evening service the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to the choir.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Nan on May 05, 2009, 01:23 PM
It was once said in America that pigs would fly if ever they had a coloured President, and what happens 100 days into his presidency?   Swine flu!!!  :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on May 05, 2009, 07:19 PM

Why Men should be Happier

Men Are Just Happier People ... What do you expect from such simple creatures
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Vanessa
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 07, 2009, 12:22 AM
Aussie Version of Creation


In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach....
And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning,sleeping
and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming > > and BBQ's on the beach,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ... Well.... Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good..... It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 07, 2009, 12:32 AM
THE GUNFIGHTER


A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of our holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you
a smoother draw'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
on the barrel of his gun.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'No,' said the old-timer, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 07, 2009, 12:39 AM
What a load of Bull!!

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico, While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's things from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si Senor......... Sometimes, the bull, he wins.."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 07, 2009, 12:41 AM
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........








Keep going















"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!! !!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 07, 2009, 12:55 AM
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE HEARD THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS.

When a blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'


The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 07, 2009, 01:13 AM
(http://i527.photobucket.com/albums/cc359/inkaboat/Bats.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on May 07, 2009, 10:43 PM





THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
> (This one is too funny to not forward.)
>
> My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
> seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
> told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
> landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
> put your trays up, that would be super.'
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
> 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
> to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
> ground.'
>
> She calmly turned her head and said,
> 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
>
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a
> beat,
>
> 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
> Tray -up, Bitch'

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: gina44 on May 09, 2009, 06:46 PM
a 54 yr old woman has a heart attack and is taken to hospital,she has a near death experience.Seeing God she asks;is this it?is my time up?". "no"god replies "you still have 43 yrs,two months and 8 days to live".So as she recuperates,the woman decides to make the most of her time left.She opts to stay in the hospital and books in for a face lift,liposuction,breast implants and a tummy tuck.She also organises for someone to come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth.She looks a million dollars once its all done.But on the day she is discharged the woman crosses the street by the hospital and is killed by an ambulance.Arriving in front of god she demands"i thought you said i had another 43 yrs left?why didnt you pull me out of the way of the ambulance?"."Sorry madam,god replies, "i didnt recognise you.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: gina44 on May 09, 2009, 06:48 PM
A prayer for revenge.
May the fleas of 1,000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day.And may their arms be too short to scratch.Amen
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ourjud1 on May 10, 2009, 10:18 PM

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Due to an illness, the husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she still stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by his bed, he said, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times."

"When I got fired, you were there to support me."

"When my business failed, you were there."

"When we lost the house, you gave me support."

"When my health started failing, you were still by my side, so I've something to tell you."

"What is that my dear?" she asked gently.

"You know what? You're a god damn jinx!"

ourjud1
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on May 11, 2009, 12:07 AM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Vancouver, B.C., was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.  Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old peopl

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on May 11, 2009, 02:48 PM
Mithinks Kiwi is going after GG's hat in this context.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Meg on May 11, 2009, 05:49 PM
I've tried to contact the swine flu hotline but all I got was cracklin'


Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Meg on May 11, 2009, 05:50 PM
My friend thinks she's caught swine flu- she's come out in a rasher! 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on May 11, 2009, 06:18 PM
Tameside Police have managed to catch swine flu, thanks to the help of one of their snouts.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: gina44 on May 11, 2009, 08:50 PM
a blonde woman phones her husband and said,"im scared to go and get petrol in case i catch swine flu",the hubby said "it said mexico ,not texaco ,you daft cow".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on May 11, 2009, 10:42 PM
These classified ads were really put in the paper   

 

 FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.  Hateful little bastard.  Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
Worn once by mistake.  Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR  SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.  Excellent condition.  £200 or best offer.  No longer needed, Got married last month.  Wife knows f *****g everything.

 

 

 

 

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on May 11, 2009, 11:20 PM
Come Come this will never do"said the choirmaster. "Open your mouths and sing boldly. We will start with ' Little drops of water' and for goodness sake-put some spirit into it!"

The choir was practicing the anthem. The choirmaster said to the trebles, "Now don't forget when the tenors reach 'The gatesof Hell' you com in."

At this evening service the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to the choir.


When I read this Yesterday I didn't get it.

24 hours later the penny dropped, that must be some kind of record huh?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Lynn56 on May 16, 2009, 12:52 AM

When I read this Yesterday I didn't get it.

24 hours later the penny dropped, that must be some kind of record huh?
I still don't get it! Any clues ?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ourjud1 on May 16, 2009, 12:05 PM
One day, a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."  The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."  The policeman is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."  The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut. When he goes to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."  The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
                                              ourjud1
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: musky on May 18, 2009, 08:26 PM

Two English tourists driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrnddrobwyllantysiliogogog they stop for lunch.

One of the tourists asks the waitress," Before we order, could you settle an argument.

Can you pronounce where we are, very,very, very, slowly?"........................

.....The girl leans over and says,

"Burrr-gurrr-king.   
 
 
 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jean on May 19, 2009, 04:41 PM
Kiwi, have to say the joke about the gun fighter and the one about the blonde and the milkman have had me in stitches, they are just hilarious, keep them coming !!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on May 21, 2009, 01:46 PM
Thought for the day.

Why do you never see any bobbies in PC World?

After your previous post about the topless lady, I read this as "boobies"!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 21, 2009, 09:53 PM
Went to buy some venison for my tea last night, asked the butcher how much ?, he said six bucks, I told him it was too deer, I didn't have that sort of doe.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on May 21, 2009, 09:59 PM
hi thats a tommy cooper special ha ha  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on May 25, 2009, 12:07 AM
These hilarious exchanges are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts'.

They were recorded verbatim and published by Court Reporters that had the torment of staying calm and remaining professional while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
 _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
 
 


 

 

 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on May 25, 2009, 09:43 AM
hi good one paul that why they charge to much  :D  :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on May 25, 2009, 01:15 PM
Stop Global Warming! Stop Man Utd fans flying to home games!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on June 02, 2009, 08:40 AM
Hi
       Subject: Golf....



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed dirctly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The
ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put  her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
                                                                                      herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 02, 2009, 10:12 PM
Got a tattoo of a spreadsheet on my chest the other day........................ I reckon I've excelled myself  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: hoggyman on June 02, 2009, 11:10 PM
HI  kiwi just looking at the gen on NZ his that a picture of you holding that big fish,looks a very nice place.    
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 03, 2009, 01:14 AM
Nope, not me  :) am more into sea fishing, will save learning this fly-fishing caper till I retire  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on June 03, 2009, 08:58 PM
How do you kill a Circus

strangle the the Juggler

  









Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 03, 2009, 11:14 PM
Colin the Aborigine


A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting.


At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing
all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on
the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the
croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead
goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

'I want the bastard who pushed me in.  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 03, 2009, 11:17 PM
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st ever gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an ‘e’ minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pigged off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage,
"OK smart @rse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...



"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on June 13, 2009, 11:17 PM
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in their pints, one in each.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEVING BASTARD!!!"

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 06, 2009, 12:52 AM
What's the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?


Simple, one played with Majors, the other played with Minors!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on July 10, 2009, 10:33 PM
Subject: Living Will




Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on July 11, 2009, 10:30 AM
Hi
         Well spoken Tommy.      herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on July 19, 2009, 12:08 PM


 
 
DON'T BLAME ME - I'M JUST
FORWARDING THIS!!


 
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.
 
 


It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
 
 







She says:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)
 
 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 31, 2009, 02:21 AM
Thought for Today..............

I wish I was a glow worm,
A glow worm's never glum.
Cos how can you be grumpy,
When the sun shines out your bum!

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 11, 2009, 02:13 AM
I just drank all the brake fluid, there'll be no stopping me now   :o
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 11, 2009, 08:57 PM
Ouch!   ;)


Was going to join the debating society but I talked myself out of it.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 11, 2009, 09:00 PM
Have you heard about the new zoo that just opened in Ashton ?.








It's not very good.







It's only got one animal.








A small white dog.








It's a schit-zoo.  ::)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 18, 2009, 01:37 AM
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior ‘Sir Humphrey’ went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. .

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that’s not very fitting for a prime minister", said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. It’s called ‘Flying Scotsman.”

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. “This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer.”

"I suppose it might be considered" said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, “So that’s settled then…. let’s look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal"

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'…..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on August 21, 2009, 01:57 PM
Good one Kiwi!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 12:02 AM
Aussie Beggars

Bruce is an Aussie beggar and Trevor is a Kiwi beggar. They both live in Sydney and beg in different parts of Bondi.

Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $2 - $3 each day. Trevor on the other hand, brings home suitcases full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes and lives freehold in a huge house and has a lot of money to spend.

Bruce says to Trevor "I work just as long and hard as you but how do you bring home a suitcase of $10 notes every day?"

Trevor says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"No wonder you only get a few dollars a day" replied Trevor.
"Ok then, what does your sign say?"
"It reads 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand'!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 12:03 AM
Dirty Old Man ?

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a lake in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The lake had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the lake to look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his lake. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the lake naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the crocodile."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 12:05 AM
Gifted Indian

A film crew is on location in the Arizona desert. One day an old Indian goes up to the director and says “Tomorrow rain”. The next day it rains. Next day the Indian goes up to the director and says, “Tomorrow, storm” and the next day there is a hail storm. The director is impressed and hires the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian doesn’t show up for two weeks. Finally, the director sends for him.
“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow” he says. “What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugs his shoulders and says, “Don’t know. Radio, broken.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 12:10 AM
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." 

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other are people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." 

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?" 
 
He said: "Who buggered up your hair?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 12:12 AM
Two sisters lived on a farm that bred cattle. One day, their prize bull died quite suddenly. One sister turns to the other and says I'm going to take the bus into town to the market. Once I've bought the new bull, I'll send you a telegram to tell you and you can come in the truck to pick us up." The sister agrees and the other went to the market.
She took ₤100 with her and soon found a wonderful bull, perfect for breeding. "how much?" she asks. "₤99.99" replied the seller. The woman thinks this is a bit much, besides, she'll have to send a telegram to her sister.

But, she desperately wants this bull. So she pays and goes into the office to send her sis the message.

"Now love," the office master says "It's 1p per word". The lady only has 1p left but after a moment's thought she decides to send her sister a one-word telegram. She puts 'Comfortable".
The master asks "will she understand?"
The lady smiles and says "My sister is blonde, she'll read it slowly."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 12:14 AM
Paddy goes for a job as a lumberjack.
The head lumberjack tells Paddy to chop down three trees in the woods.
After cutting down the trees, Paddy returns just one minute later.
The lumberjack says to Paddy "Where the heck did you learn to cut down trees that fast?"
Paddy says "The Sahara Forest."
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" replied the lumberjack.
Paddy says "Oh, is dat what dey're calling it now?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 12:15 AM
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action-packed docu-drama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well" started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favourite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes" said Segal "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarznegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnie?"
So Arnie opens his mouth and says "I'll be Bach."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 12:16 AM
"Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes it is, how can we help?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Simon. I don't like to snitch but I've seen him hiding what appears to be cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

Early the next morning, Police officers descend on Simon's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. Frustrated, the officers leave.
The phone rings at Simon's house.
"Hey Simon, did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they cut up your firewood?"
"Yeah!"
"Happy Birthday bro."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 25, 2009, 01:10 AM
Some crackers here  :D (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm)
Title: Dan Antopolski - winner
Post by: Ashtonian54 on August 25, 2009, 03:42 AM

Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Nan on August 25, 2009, 03:41 PM
                                                    NEWS ARTICLE

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are very sensitive, and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me explain how I handled the situation with my wife Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to take a full-time job as we needed the extra cash.

Shortly after she began working, I noticed that she was showing her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets in from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest a while before preparing the evening meal. I don`t shout at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time, and just wake me when it`s on the table. I have lunch at the pub but am ready for some home-cooked food when I get in.

She used to wash the dishes as soon as we had finished, but now they often stay on the table for some time after our meal. I do what I can by tactfully reminding her several times that they won`t wash themselves. She really appreciates this motivation and does them before going to bed.

Another example of ageing is that she finds it hard to do the shopping in her lunch break, so I smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over a few days. That way, she won`t have to rush so much, and even if she misses lunch completely sometimes, it won`t hurt her. I like to think that tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs she seems to need to rest more. She now has to rest when she`s only half way through mowing the lawn, and has to rest several times when she`s hoovering through the house. It annoys me when I`m watching Match of the Day, but I try not to make a scene. I`m a fair man, and tell her to make herself a cup of tea and sit down for a while, and as long as she`s brewing , she may as well make me one too.

I know I must sound like a saint in the way I support Julie. I`m not saying it`s easy, and many men would find it difficult, some even impossible! I know better than most men how frustrating women get as they grow older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife after reading this, I will consider writing it worthwhile. After all, we`re put on Earth to help each other!

                                                        EDITOR`S NOTE

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a**e with only 2 inches showing. His wife, Julie, was arrested, but an all-woman jury accepted her defence, that he accidentally sat on it.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 27, 2009, 04:40 AM
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door..
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: pamela on August 27, 2009, 10:37 AM
• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."

That an example of the "worst "jokes from the Edinburgh frindge..heres another..

 Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on August 28, 2009, 10:37 AM
hi did you here the one , the man made appointment at the dentist they told him we cant fit you in till toothurty  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 02, 2009, 02:27 AM
1) Gautama Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

Think about it
  ;)

2) A Buddhist monastery is having a fundraising event and are selling hotdogs outside the gates.
Joe Public comes up and intones at the monk "Make me one with everything."
Monk looks at him annoyedly, then makes him his hotdog.
"That'll be £2.50, please" and Joe hands him a £5 note which the monk puts in the cash drawer.
Joe asks "Hey, what about my change?"
and the monk responds "My son, you must learn ... that change comes from within."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 02, 2009, 02:30 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show here in Swainsboro. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to personally apologize, and the blonde yells,



'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little b*****d on your lap!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 02, 2009, 02:31 AM

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 02, 2009, 02:36 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."




Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"




The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."




Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,




"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."





He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh ...





"Let's put all the pieces back in the box."








Sorry about this.....









Scroll Down...........










Further..................


(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/kelloggs20Corn20Flakes.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 08, 2009, 12:58 AM
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT ******G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"

The Teacher fainted.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 08, 2009, 04:36 AM
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't.I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on September 08, 2009, 02:01 PM
The Yorkshire couple reached their Spanish holiday caravan site after a long journey.

After a pot of tea and a rest, they set about making roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, only to discover that they'd forgotten the gravy mix.

"I think they're English in that caravan over there", said the wife, "go and see if they'll lend us some till tomorrow."

The Yorkshireman walked over to the caravan and knocked on the door.

"'Astanybisto?" he asked, when the door opened.

"Clear off, you Spanish *******", came the reply.
I've got tears in my eyes through laughing.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on September 08, 2009, 10:58 PM
The computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

Vanessa
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 09, 2009, 02:46 AM
Too true, can't remember when I last played cards with a 'real' deck of cards  :-X
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 09, 2009, 11:27 PM
John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, so he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a short while my father will die and I’ll inherit $20 million.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on September 15, 2009, 04:01 PM
This is a true story.

A friend was helping her little boy with his maths and he was having trouble with the concept of takeaways, addition was easy but takeaways he just couldn't understand. So she decided on a different method.
" right" she said to him " I'm one person and you dad is one person, add us together and what have you got"
"two" he replied
"now, I go away and what do you have left"
He thought for a while.
"my dad" he replied with a big grin.
 
Well he wasn't wrong.

Vanessa
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 22, 2009, 03:57 AM
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:







MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy







When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 22, 2009, 09:29 PM

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Blackpool.
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen with fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 23, 2009, 05:23 AM
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk
into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher
turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again,
'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this??)





The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 23, 2009, 05:27 AM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home.. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 30, 2009, 11:46 PM
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Jones had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr Jones,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Jones is dead!”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 30, 2009, 11:51 PM
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on October 17, 2009, 10:22 AM
Hi
           A bear go's into a bar I'll have a whisky and                                                               coke      The barman says Why the long pause.            I don't know says the bear I,ve always had em.                herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 29, 2009, 03:03 AM
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife £775 a week.'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband 'but she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm okay, but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care

.................................................. ..................

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 02, 2009, 02:20 AM
Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves in Hell.
The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....
"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.
Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia ...we love the heat. It's just like a summer's day."

Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum.
Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two Aussies.

He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie, knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting.
"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil.
Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually enjoying it!"

"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"
The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does.
After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if the residents were
unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.

The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the time of their lives.

The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"

Kev says...Mate, don't you know?

Hell's frozen over!.....................................Collingwood must have won the Premiership!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 04, 2009, 12:41 AM
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?’

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, ‘Uh... no, I didn’t know that.’

’Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

’Thirdly,’ the lawyer said, ‘did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’

And then the lawyer said, ‘So, if I don’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?’
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 04, 2009, 12:56 AM
The Irish millionaire .......





















Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.





You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left phone a friend.





Everything is riding on this question.......will you go for it?'





'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'





'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'


A : Sparrow


B: Thrush


C: Magpie


D: Cuckoo





I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.





'Bloody hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple.....it's a cuckoo.'





'Are you sure?'





'I'm bloody sure.'





Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'





'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris





'Dat it is, Sir.'





There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,


'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'





The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.





'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo
that doesn't build its own nest?














'Because he lives in a bloody clock!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on November 04, 2009, 09:05 PM
Which is Santa's favourite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!!   Denise   ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 06, 2009, 03:30 AM
A woman came home the other day and found her husband in bed with a female midget...

"How could you" she yelled "you promised to stop being unfaithful"

"For heavens sake woman, can't you see I'm trying to cut down"?

*****************************************

Cop pulls Scouser over for having a dog in the front seat.
As Cop walks towards the car the Scouser whacks the dog over the head.

Cop asks "why did you just hit the dog"?

"Cos the damn animal has just eaten my Tax Disc"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on November 06, 2009, 06:39 PM
Hi Kiwi,  You've changed!!!! Love Alexei, but did have motherly feelings for the elfin baby. Is he ok??  Denise   :'(
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 06, 2009, 07:17 PM
Yep, he's packed up and gone on holiday to Australia for a few days  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on November 18, 2009, 07:25 PM
A fleeing Al-Qaeda guerrilla, desparate for water was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,he walked towards the object, only to find a little old Jewish man selling neckties.

"Do you have water" asked the Arab

"I have no water, would you like to buy a tie they are only $5" said the old man

"Idiot Jew, Israel should not exist. I do not need a tie. I need water, I should kill you,but I must find water" screamed the Arab

"OK, It does not matter to me that you refuse to buy a tie and that you hate me so much. I will show you that i am a better man than you.....If you go over that hill and continue for a short way you will find a restaurant and therefore all the water you need. Shalom."says the old man.

Muttering, the Arab staggers away Several hours later the Arab returns, now very close to death he whispers "Your Brother won't let me in unless I have a tie"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on November 19, 2009, 03:14 AM
Hi
       A drunk walks into a catholic churchand go's into the confessional.
       The priest coughs a couple of times doesn't get any reply so he bangs three   
        times on the wall.
        It's no good knocking on the wall the drunk mumbles there's no paper on this side either.                                   herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on November 22, 2009, 11:57 PM
Hi
  The invisible man walked into a doctors surgery for an appointment. the receptionist said    Sorry the doctor can't see you today   herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bardsleycrow on November 23, 2009, 05:22 AM
Young Lad walks into Chemist Shop.Young lad says two condoms miss.Assistant says dont you miss me.Young lad says ok make it three.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on November 24, 2009, 08:35 PM
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.
THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED AND INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINNESIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOT'S WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: pamela on November 25, 2009, 09:07 AM
Where do you get em from Vannesa, I,m sat here with tears running down me face!!!! ;D"Eat that bl^%dy apple Adam !"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on November 28, 2009, 01:34 AM
LeeAnne and her husband Gary went for counselling after 35 years of marriage.. When asked what the problem was, LeeAnne went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
   
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist  got up, walked around the desk and, after asking LeeAnne to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as Gary watched with a raised eyebrow.
 
LeeAnne became silent, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.  The therapist turned to  Gary and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
 
Gary replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' 

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 10, 2009, 02:40 AM
A mate of mine got thrown out of a pub in Workington last week. All he did was put "Bridge over troubled water" on the jukebox.

Touchy buggers.  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bill on January 02, 2010, 05:38 PM
During a big freeze many years ago. a local farmer came out to collect his herd of cattle, only to find that they were all frozen to the spot and couldn't move.  All the local vets were baffled and had never seen anything like it.

After several frantic phone calls, the farmer spoke to someone who offered a glimmer of hope.  The only problem was that the person who might be able to help lived in London and the farmer would have to pay for a helicopter from there to the farm and back.  The farmer agreed.

After an hour or so and just as the light was fading, a helicopter appeared over the hillside and landed in the field next to the cattle.  An elderly lady got out and, without further ado, walked to the cattle and touched each one in turn.  Immediately, they shook themselves and started to move.

Half an hour later, as the job was done, the lady walked back to the helicopter without saying a word and left as quickly as she'd arrived.  The farmer was shocked and lost for words.

Several minutes later, when he'd regained his composure, he turned to the person who'd organised the visit and asked "who was that?"

"Thora Hird", came the reply.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on January 02, 2010, 05:50 PM
Thats funny  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on January 02, 2010, 06:26 PM
Obviously Freez-ians!!!

What do you call an Eskimo's cow?  An Eski-mooooo!! 

Call that a joke?  That's-snow joke!!        Denise   ::) :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bardsleycrow on January 03, 2010, 08:37 AM
Bill how many people remember Thora Hird.A grand old lady
Kevin
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on January 03, 2010, 12:20 PM
That's one of Thora's last appearances - 'Lost For Words', with the equally wonderful Pete Postlethwaite.

Enjoy!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-YwT8KTQpo)

Denise   :'( :'(

 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Nan on January 03, 2010, 08:16 PM
Several years ago we visited Holmefirth one sunny afternoon and found that they were filming an episode of "Last of the Summer Wine". Fortunately, I had my camera with me, and was delighted when Thora Hird, Ivy, from the cafe and Howard`s wife [can`t think of the real names of the last two] posed at the side of the pub for me and one or two others to take photos. I also got one of Compo [Bill Owen] leaning out of a window talking to Nora Batty [Kathy Staff].
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on January 04, 2010, 08:42 PM
This guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. As he sits down he hears someone say, "That's a nice suit, sir". He looks around and there is no-one there. Then again he hears, "That's a nice suit, sir" and he looks down and it is one of the peanuts in the tray speaking to him.

Intrigued, he goes to the cigarette machine, puts in his money, when the machine says to him, "F*#@ off". The guy tries once more but again the machine tells him to f*#@ off!

The guy goes to the barman and says "Your bar is weird mate. The peanuts say how nice my suit is but the cigarette tells me to get lost! What sort of establishment are you running here?"

The barman replies "Oh no sir, it's not what you think.

The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 18, 2010, 12:41 AM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began pestering him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
















"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.























"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bill on January 26, 2010, 11:20 AM
A chuckle. (http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01564/matt-rail-cancella_1564361i.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on January 26, 2010, 03:02 PM
Did they buy it on-line!!!          ;D    
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on January 27, 2010, 10:47 AM
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grasss of Home'.
"Ah!! That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome".
"Is that common"
"Well 'It's Not Unusual'!!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
"A pint, please, and one for the road!!!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

Two fish swam into a concrete wall.
One fish turns to the other and says, "Dam!!"

A group of chess enthusiasists were standing in a hotel lobby, discussing  
their most recent tournament victories.
The hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse.
"Why?" "What's the problem?" Said one, as they started moving away.
"Because, I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer!!"

A woman gives birth to identical twins boys and has to give them up for adoption.
Ahmal goes to a family in Egypt, and Juan goes to a family in Spain.
Years later, Juan sends a photo of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving it, she tells her husband, she would have loved a photo of Ahmal too.
Her husband turns to her and says...............
"There're identical twins - when you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal!!"

Mahatma Ghandhi, as everyone know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he had bad breath.
This made him......................

              ................Wait for it!!.......................

                                        ........................................................

                                                   a super-calloused fragile mystic hexted by halitosis!!!

And finally,

This man emailed 20 puns to his friends, hoping that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!!!!                        :D :D :D :D
 




  




Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Nan on January 28, 2010, 04:02 PM
             Can you imagine yourself to be the nun sitting at her desk  grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and  maintain her composure!      PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.      IF YOU ARE EVEN REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH HOLY SCRIPTURE, YOU'LL  FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A ROMAN CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.      KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.       THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.      THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.          1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.          2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK  AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.          3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.          4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.          5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN  WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.          6. SAMSON SLAYED THE  PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.          7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED   SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.          8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO   MOUNT   CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN   COMMANDMENTS.          9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.          10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT  IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.          11. MOSES DIED  BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .. THEN JOSHUA LED THE   HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE  OF GERITOL.          12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND   HE OBEYED HIM.          13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A  RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.          14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.          15. WHEN MARY HEARD  SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.          16. WHEN THE THREE  WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.          17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.          18.   ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.          19. JESUS  ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY          DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE..          20. IT WAS A  MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF  THE ENTRANCE.          21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.          22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.          23. ONE OF THE  OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.          24. ST. PAUL  CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER          NAME FOR MARRAIGE.          25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.                  
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on January 28, 2010, 08:15 PM
CLASSIC COMEDY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVLtJxBqtSA&feature=related)       :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 02, 2010, 02:24 AM
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplough?

Give her a shovel.  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 02, 2010, 02:36 AM


 An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on February 04, 2010, 12:33 AM
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2736/4329053774_3544c60039.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on February 04, 2010, 07:42 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog For Sale '


He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff !

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Nan on February 04, 2010, 08:22 PM
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madame he wants a young girl for the night.
She studies him for a moment and then asks him " How old are you ?"
"I`m 90 years old" he replies.
"90 " says the madame shaking her head, " don`t you realise you`ve had it ?"
" Oh! I`m so sorry " says the old man. " How much do I owe you?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 08, 2010, 11:44 PM
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 08, 2010, 11:49 PM
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got ₤9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis." They work great but they don't come cheap. It's ₤1000 an inch.

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want." But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's
important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.  The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite bench tops."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 08, 2010, 11:56 PM
Delia's Way
Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever... who eats it?

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course?...

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

Finally the most important tip...

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.

The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine ??
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on February 12, 2010, 12:30 AM
(http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4062/4349279531_3bb683c8f6.jpg) Tameside General.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bill on February 13, 2010, 10:52 AM
Be careful what you write. (http://www.kentonline.co.uk/medway_messenger/news/2010/february/8/irish_joke_proves_costly_for_m.aspx)

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on February 13, 2010, 11:15 AM
How ridiculous!! He should have been able to grin and beer it, what was aleing the man? There was no need to throw a Paddy and get all bitter and twisted about it!!!         ;)     
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on February 21, 2010, 12:41 AM
Why are wedding dresses white?
  IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!

IT'S EVEN A BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT  TO ANY WOMEN !!!!!!!
 
Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white." 
 

 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 03, 2010, 12:12 AM
A US army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious on the left-hand side of the road.

On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported: "I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly, coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who'd got what he deserved.

The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge wog and furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay bastard!

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian.

He retaliated by saying that so does Harriet Harman.



"And, there we were - in the middle of the road - shaking hands, when the bloody bus hit us."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: burlington on May 10, 2010, 11:57 AM
Warning Issued By Yorkshire Police:

Clubbers in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported immediately.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on May 11, 2010, 12:23 PM
By George ,I needed that,
Sat here having a real giggle.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on June 01, 2010, 04:49 AM
HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .  Claude the hypnotist explained: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.  It's a very special watch.  It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.  Hundreds of pairs of   eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and  fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.


'SHIT!' cried the Hypnotist.






It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .  

  

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 02, 2010, 12:21 AM
Someone keeps spreading top-soil on my neighbour's allotment. It happened twice last week and again yesterday.


The plot thickens.......

...........................................

I told the missus I was going to Oldham and she said oh no you're not, keep your hands to yourself!

..............................................

I've just bought an indoor trampoline.

The wife hit the roof!

.....................................................

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

........................................................


Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

.................................................................

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

.......................................................................

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive!

.........................................................................

What's the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

.................................................................................

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b*st*rd."

..............................................................

A mate of mine has just told me he's bonking his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

.................................................

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy ******* and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on June 03, 2010, 08:40 PM
The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

* * *

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room

* * *

Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.

* * *

Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

* * *

Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

* * *

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Nan on June 04, 2010, 03:34 PM
                                                                                           

 







: Wonderful EnglishTranslations From Around The World









AND WE THOUGHT ONLY WE CAN MAKE GAFFES IN THE LANGUAGE!!

 

Howlarious signboards!! Read on.....

 

 

 

 

 

In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

Doctors office, Rome :

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

 

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

 

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,

ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX,

FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH

EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,

IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

A laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

__,_._,___

 

 

                                                                                         (http://: Wonderful EnglishTranslations From Around The World









AND WE THOUGHT ONLY WE CAN MAKE GAFFES IN THE LANGUAGE!!

 

Howlarious signboards!! Read on.....

 

 

 

 

 

In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

Doctors office, Rome :

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

 

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

 

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,

ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX,

FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH

EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,

IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

A laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

__,_._,___)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 06, 2010, 03:30 AM
It was a wild and stormy November and the lighthouse keeper was preparing for bed.
He was in his kitchen on the ground floor, filling his hot water bottle and making a mug of cocoa.
Finished, he started up the 147 stairs to his bedroom right under the light room.
He had just tucked himself in and was about to enjoy the first sip of strong cocoa when he heard a faint and distant noise.
Knock, knock, knock.
Puzzled, he realised that someone was knocking on the door 147 steps below. Strange, he thought, don't get many visitors at this time of night.
Anyway, he pulled on his dresing gown and slippers and went down to open up.

Standing on the doorstep, soaking wet from the driving rain, stood a distinguished man in what the keeper recognised as the remnants of an admiral's uniform.
Apologising profusely for bothering the keeper at this ungodly hour, he explained that a freak wave had washed him overboard from the wing of the bridge of his ship whilst on manouveres.
The keeper hesitated not one second, but showed him into the guest bedroom with a warm blanket whilst he made the admiral some cocoa.
Soon the admiral was asleep and the keeper made his way back up the 147 steps to his bedroom, where a lukewarm water bottle and cold mug of cocoa awaited him. He decided against going downstairs again to refresh the two items and got into bed.

His feet were in mid-air, on their way to the warmth of the duvet when he heard the same distant knocking again. Having been disturbed once, he didn't think it strange that a new person was knockiing.
Opening the door after going down the 147 steps again, he was not surprised to see the figure of an airman standing there equally as wet as the admiral before him had been. The airman explained that he had had to eject after his plane's engine failed at 15000 feet.
The keeper ushered him in and woke the admiral to introduce the airman whilst he hurried away to the kitchen to make another mug of cocoa for the airman.
Soon he was able to go the 147 stairs back to his bed after bidding the two men goodnight.

No sooner had he turned off the light, took a deep, deep breath to calm himself, when lo and behold the knocking was heard for the third time that stormy night.
By now he knew the proceedure - dressing gown, slippers, 147 stairs, open door.
Strange, he thought to himself upon opening the door and seeing a man in the remnants of a colonels uniform dripping on the welcome mat in front of him.
The same storm which had caused problems for the admiral had overturned the colonel's landing craft whilst driving through the pounding sea towards land and the current had driven him not inland, but out to the point where the lighthouse stood.
Fortunately the keeper was well equipped with mugs and reserves of warm blankets so he put the colonel in the guest room together with his other guests.
Well, i now have a full set of the armed forces, he thought as he made his way yet again up the 147 stairs to his bedroom. Can't be any more out there tonight......

This time he only made it to the 87th stair before the unbelievable (or should that be the inevitable?) happened. With a submissive shrug of his thin shoulders he turned and began the downward journey to the front door.
He didn't bat an eyelid when upon opening the door for the fourth time that stormy night found himself staring at a voluptious young female in the remains of what appeared to once have been a cocktail dress.
She had been for a romantic walk around the deck with her fiance when he was forced to nip inside for a call of nature. It was then that she leaned backwards against the ship's rail, caught her left foot in the long dress and before she had time to react found herself in the water. Fortunately she was an ex-olympic swimmer, so had torn off most of her dress to make staying afloat easier, and using a powerful and effective crawl technique had swum towards the flashing light in the distance.

One more mug of cocoa and a blanket later, the keeper was assured by the three officers and gentlemen that it would not be a problem to have the young lady sharing the only guest room that was in the lighthouse. The young lady felt sure that they would behave like the gentlemen they were and was soon dreaming of sweeter things.

147 stairs later, the keeper wondered if he should sit there on the edge of his bed ready for the next visitor, but no, it proved not to be necessary and he was able at long last to sleep.

He arose at his usual time and hurried down to the ground floor kitchen to prepare breakfast for himself and his visitors. But first he had to establish what they desired for the first and most important meal of the day.
The admiral wanted meusli as it was full of all the important fiber and vitamins that the human body needed. The airman, not wishing to be difficult, said that yes, meusli was perfectly fine for him too. The colonel had discovered that he and the admiral were in fact old friends from Eton and then they had always eaten the same breakfast whilst at that erstwhile establishment, so why not today.

He turned to the young lady who was shyly looking at him over the top of the bedsheet, she quietly asked if it would be possible to have bacon and eggs for breakfast. Of course, smiled the keeper, that would not present any problems.


















All of which goes to prove the fact that 3 out of 4 people eat meusli for breakfast.....................
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 06, 2010, 03:33 AM
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.
Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.
Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.
Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."
Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."
St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"
This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a Landrover Discovery. They spent the day together greenlaning and getting generally muddy and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"
Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."
St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said.......














Oh No!!!!.....









































"I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on June 06, 2010, 01:55 PM
Are you Samclam Kiwi?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 08, 2010, 04:46 AM
Yup  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on June 08, 2010, 09:18 AM
All of which goes to prove the fact that 3 out of 4 people eat meusli for breakfast.....................

Sorry, Kiwi - I must have missed something there, after all the wonderful build-up! Maybe it is funnier in New Zealand?   :-\
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on June 08, 2010, 09:30 AM
Maybe we could think of an alternative ending!!  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on June 08, 2010, 01:05 PM
Leave it as it is!
"It's all in the mind,you know"

Seem to think this was from Monty Python!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on June 22, 2010, 06:39 PM

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own.
But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbour.

So he explained to his neighbour that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur?" as there didn't seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went crazy and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in it's own sports car, driving right behind him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on June 29, 2010, 10:35 PM
A well known pet food manufacturer as decided not go ahaead with its plans to Sponsor the England football team. It s spokesman said it would  not be appropiate at this time to have Winalot written across the teams shirt.

But another pet food company, Pedigree is to approach the FA about sponsoring England, if Pedigree Chumps can be advertised on the shirts.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 27, 2010, 04:32 AM
A precious little girl walks into a pet smart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"



As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"




She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 04, 2010, 01:01 AM
I've just started selling DIY bomb making kits which are disguised as prayer mats.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Prophets are going through the roof.



A man touring the wild west asks a native indian what his wife's name is.

"Five horses" he replies.

"What an unusual name, what does it mean ?" says the man.

The Indian replies " Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag !""



Danny and Joyce were making passionate love in Danny's mini van when suddenly Joyce, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!

Danny, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Joyce until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Joyce notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, Did you get these marks having sex?

Joyce, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Danny (let alone that she allowed the kinky bugger to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.



The Irish SAS recently deployed to Longleat Safari Park where they rescued the ostriches and shot all the gorillas.

Having been tasked to support the US war on terrorism, they visited Battersea Dogs' Home and shot all the Afghans.



A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"






"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Nan on August 08, 2010, 12:57 PM
 Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
   
 So he decided to see a doctor.
 
 "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
 
 The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
 
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
   
 The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
 
 Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
 
 The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
 
 "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
 
 "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
 
 "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
   
                                      [/img]
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on August 09, 2010, 02:46 AM
Hi
        How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony

        It's not very hard            herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 09, 2010, 05:02 AM


To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


So  Remember

    Water = Poo
    Wine = Health


Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh1t.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

    I'm doing it as a public service!  ;)

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on August 09, 2010, 10:32 PM
This 84 year old bloke loves to go fishing.

He was sitting in his boat one day, when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up".

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

Then he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up".

He looked in the water and there, floating on top, was a frog.

"You talking to me?" said the old man.

"Yes. Pick me up, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. All your friends will be so envious."

After a short pause, the man reached over and picking up the frog, put him in his top jacket pocket.

"Hey! Didn't you hear what I said?" said the frog.

"Oh I heard you, but at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."



  

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: burlington on August 23, 2010, 11:42 AM

The oldest battle in the world!

  A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.         

       
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

 Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

 (THIS GETS BETTER!)

 The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:

 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model..

 The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a sense of humour.

 



 

 

 

 



 

 


 

 

 

 


 

 


 
 

 

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on August 23, 2010, 01:30 PM
Yebbut... the men's group left out some of the arguments in favour of a computer being female:
 5. They react to the movement of a mouse
 6. They crash a lot
 7. They need you to help them back up their own drive
 8. They can generate speech for hours on end
 9. They won't respond unless you push the right buttons
10. You need to tell them if you want to keep something
11. It's nice to have a lap top version
12. They have a surprisingly powerful memory

I think that tips the balance somewhat...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: burlington on August 23, 2010, 01:48 PM
Brilliant!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on August 23, 2010, 03:20 PM
Of course, females win. Just one word - MOTHERBOARD!!
 

Tim Vine has won the 2010 Edinburgh Festival Fringe 'Funniest joke' award with this:-

"I've just been on a once-in-a lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."        :-\
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on August 23, 2010, 10:35 PM
That joke really got a byte --Jayess
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on August 23, 2010, 11:42 PM
I prefer some of the jokes that were judged to be the worst...

Sara Pascoe: "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Emo Phillips: "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on August 24, 2010, 06:28 AM
I was still thinking road when it dawned on me, took a good 6 or 7 secs.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on August 27, 2010, 07:40 PM
SEX IN THE AFTERLIFE

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.


True to his word, he made the first contact:


"Judy..........Judy"


"Is that you, George?"


"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."


"That's wonderful! What's it like?"


"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.


I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George..are you in Heaven?"


"No...........I'm a rabbit in Kansas .."

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 31, 2010, 12:49 AM
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. On the day it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 07, 2010, 01:33 PM
my computer beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kickboxing   cheers ..kenneth.o.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on September 16, 2010, 06:11 PM
When I started at Castle Mill, Stalybridge in 1971. One job I was asked to do was go down to the stores and get a long weight.
So I did, but the storeman went away and I never saw him again. I must have been there ages.

Here is a picture of the stores which remain to this day
http://is.gd/fdD9E (http://is.gd/fdD9E)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 16, 2010, 09:55 PM
"Cost of security for Popes visit has risen to £12M.

But if it keeps our kids safe it's worth it."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on September 22, 2010, 01:24 PM
     4 Worms

4 Worms and a lesson to
be learned

A minister decided that a
Visual
Demonstration would add
emphasis
To his Sunday Sermon,

Four Worms were placed
into
Four separate jars.

The First worm was put into a
container
Of Alcohol.

The Second worm was put into
a Container
Of Cigarette Smoke.

The Third worm was put into
a container
Of Chocolate Syrup.

The Fourth worm was put into
a container
Of  Good Clean Soil.

At the conclusion of the
Sermon the
Minister reported the
following results:

The First worm in alcohol -
Dead

The Second worm in Cigarette smoke-
Dead

The Third worm in Chocolate
Syrup- Dead

Fourth worm in good clean
soil- Alive

So the Minister asked the
Congregation
What did you learn from this
demonstration ?

Maxine in the
back,
Quickly raised her hand and
said,
As long as you drink, smoke
and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!

That pretty much here ended the service

                                                         Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on September 23, 2010, 10:31 PM
>
> There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
> trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
> in one swig.

> "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
> tears.

> "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
> to
> see a man crying."

> "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
> late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
> found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
> wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
> gardener.
> And then my dog bit me."

> "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I
> buy
> a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve.
> Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing!

> But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 04, 2010, 03:39 AM
The police came to my door last night, holding a picture of the wife.

"Is this your wife, Sir?" they asked.

"Yes it is," I replied. "Why?"

The cop said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been involved in a very bad car accident."

"I know," I said, "But she's got a lovely personality."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 11, 2010, 10:15 PM
Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus". Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out ofthe car and blow into this tube for me!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that... I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK - In these cases, we require you to give a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing. The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'

'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Kevin Rudd, the Prime Minister of this lovely country of Australia - he's apologised, and says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!'

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on October 16, 2010, 11:53 AM
just heard a good one ,,man said he threw the vacum away the other day, ;D is wife said why have you done that , he said its only gathering dust
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on November 01, 2010, 12:27 AM
Tom Thumb,Cinderella and Quasimodo were having a chat one day, Tom Thumb says i think im the smallest person in the world. Cinderella says,i think im the prettiest girl in the world. Quasimodo says i think im the ugliest person in the world. They set off for the Guinness book of records office,to check the records. Tom Thumb checks the records,yes im the smallest person in the world. Cinderella checks,yes im the prettiest girl in the world. Quasimodo checks he asks,who the f..k is Wayne Rooney.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: pamela on November 02, 2010, 03:37 PM
Brilliant jokes Bill !!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: lydia on November 02, 2010, 04:11 PM
Think I need to wear my glasses more often. On saturday I told my husband I was worried about the bird sitting on the top opf the post in the garden as it wasn't moving. Turned out he had been trying out the new outdoor lights and the'bird' was in fact the control pad. Was looking at it today and it still looks like a bird :-[
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on November 02, 2010, 10:03 PM
I know what you mean I see things and think as some one knock a cat over when I get up to it well its a lump of cardboard. Last week looked out of my window in the night thought there was a dog sat very stiil after a while it was still there in daylight there was a rut made by the mower the gardeners use that was my dog ;D ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on November 03, 2010, 11:13 AM
Hi
          Yorkshire Granddad
 
"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a turkey, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras."    
                                                                                                                     herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on November 06, 2010, 04:27 PM
Looking if the 'Oldham Tinkers' song, 'Cob a-coalin', was on Youtube, but found this jolly snippet. Made me chuckle anyway.   ;)

The night John Willie took his ferret to a do (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAc6V0s5-H4)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: gibby on November 08, 2010, 01:38 AM
Thank you for this link I love it, fun to listen to. gibby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: wombat on November 08, 2010, 10:38 AM
The Oldham Tinkers... that takes me back. Gerry Kearns was my geology teacher.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on November 08, 2010, 12:49 PM
Glad you both enjoyed it, there are more of theirs on Youtube if you like to delve.  Denise   8)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on November 22, 2010, 12:26 AM

 From one old Fart to another - Cheers
 
 
 
 
 
-------Original Message-------
 
 
Subject: Fw: What is an "Old Fart"
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts" but this makes me feel better about it.

And if you ain't one, I bet ya you know one!
 

I got this from an "Old Fart" friend of mine!



OLD FART PRIDE

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.  They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbour ,  Guadalcanal , Normandy  and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.


I was taught to respect my elders.

It's just getting harder to find them.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 

 

 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on November 25, 2010, 11:26 PM
Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies
on grandpa's computer.
Amen!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 25, 2010, 11:48 PM
WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

IF YOU RECEIVE AN E-MAIL TITLED “NUDE PHOTOS OF SUSAN BOYLE”

DON’T OPEN IT.................................





 

 

 


IT CONTAINS NUDE PHOTOS OF SUSAN BOYLE

 



 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on November 26, 2010, 01:04 AM
Could be worse,could be nude photos of Anne Widdecombe.If things could get any worse that is. :-\  Oh to be stranded on a Desert island with them two,one singing one dancing.Weres mi gun.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 29, 2010, 01:14 AM
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 29, 2010, 01:17 AM
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on December 01, 2010, 04:03 PM
 

The  Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again  asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it  by adding,  subtracting, or changing one  letter,  and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009  winners:

1.Cashtration (n.):  The act of buying a house, which renders the subject  financially impotent for an indefinite period of  time.

2.Ignoranus:  A person who's both stupid and an  asshole.

3.Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.
         
4.Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5.Bozone (n.):  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright  ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,  shows little sign of breaking down in the near  future.

6.Foreploy:  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of  getting laid.

7.Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very, very  high

8.Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person  who doesn't get it.

9.Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are running  late.

10.Osteopornosis:  A degenerate disease. (This one got extra  credit.)

11.Karmageddon:  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really  bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes  and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.Decafalon (n.):  The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming  only things that are good for you.

13.Glibido:  All talk and no action.

14.Dopeler  Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to  seem smarter when they come at you  rapidly.

15.Arachnoleptic  Fit (n..):  The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally  walked through a spider web.

16.Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom  at three in the morning and cannot be cast  out.

17.Caterpallor (n.):  The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit  you're eating.


The Washington  Post has also published the winning submissions to its  yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply  alternate meanings for common  words.

And the winners  are:

1.Coffee,  n. The person upon whom one  coughs.

2.Flabbergasted,  adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has  gained.

3.Abdicate,  v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.

4.Esplanade,  v. To attempt an explanation while  drunk.

5.Willy-nilly,  adj. Impotent.
 
6.Negligent,  adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a  nightgown.

7.Lymph,  v. To walk with a lisp.

8.Gargoyle,  n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.Flatulence,  n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run  over by a steamroller.

10.Balderdash,  n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11.Testicle,  n.. A humorous question on an  exam.

12.Rectitude,  n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by  proctologists.

13.Pokemon,  n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14.Oyster,  n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.

15.Frisbeetarianism,  n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the  roof and gets stuck there.

16.Circumvent,  n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish  men
 
 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on December 01, 2010, 10:01 PM
The New Alphabet.
A,s for arthritis;
B,s for the bad back,
C,s for the chest pain,s perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight,can,nt read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I,d rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I,d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
K is for knees that crack when they bend,
L,s for libido,what happened to sex?
M is for memory,I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo,bones that don,t grow!
P for prescriptions,I have quite a few,just give me a pill and I,ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy,is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux,one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights,counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus;bells in my ears!
U is for urinary;troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that,s "dizzy," you know.
W for worry,now what,s going round?
X is for X-ray,and what might be found.
Y for another year I,m left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have--in my mind!

I,ve survived all the symptoms,my body,s deployed and I,m keeping 26 doctors fully employed!
HAVE A GREAT DAY !
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on December 02, 2010, 12:50 AM
Hi
    inrurendo    Italian suppository    herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on December 08, 2010, 08:29 PM
From my friend at itv

What have British morning TV viewers and the Chilean miners in common?


Neither have seen Daybreak for 63 days


Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on December 25, 2010, 12:29 AM
Just pointed into the sky and shouted "SANTA!"

Two adults stopped and looked up.

I chuckled, "Ha!, idiots. He doesn't reach the UK for half an hour yet!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on January 11, 2011, 10:38 PM
Chap on reaching 65 goes to the social security office to claim his pension,the girl behind the desk say,s have you got proof of your age your driving license will do.Ho! no! he replies, i,ve left it at home i,ll have to return home to get it.No need says the girl,just unbutton your shirt,she looks at the mass of silvery curly hairs on his chest and says looking at your silvery hairs i can tell you are 65. so off he goes home,and tells his wife what happened,she say,s pity you did,nt drop your trousers we might have got disability allowance.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on January 12, 2011, 12:07 AM
Worth a look
http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/ (http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on January 12, 2011, 07:49 PM

Alan, Alan, Alan, that was so funny, Alan, don't you think so Alan. Can you here me, Alan, Alan, Alan.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on January 13, 2011, 01:40 AM
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' 
 
 The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know.  I'll come up and see.'  She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down? 
 
 The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'  She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door' 

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on January 13, 2011, 01:45 AM
           As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  
 
           Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,   “ Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1  
 
 Please be careful!”  

 “ Heck,”   said Herman,   “ It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!”

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on January 13, 2011, 01:48 AM

 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-- both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. 
 
 The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light..'  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous. 
 At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said,   “ Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!” 
 Mildred turned to her and said,   “ Oh, Hell, am I driving?”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 21, 2011, 12:13 AM
Have just heard on the news that terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of tins of alphabetti spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 26, 2011, 03:28 AM
Does anybody know if Michael J Fox still has Parkinsons, or has he managed to shake it off ?.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on February 02, 2011, 01:28 PM
A fruity problem (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Nan on February 07, 2011, 05:14 PM
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."




 

 
 
 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 08, 2011, 09:38 PM
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' me."



A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of me dead dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"




Bloke from Barnsley with severe piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell @rse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye 'appen, waddya want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 08, 2011, 09:41 PM
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"

"OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 50 quid an hour."

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hands and knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?

"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on February 09, 2011, 04:58 AM
FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER


  Dear Wife:


  I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm   leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for
  seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

  These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss   called to tell me that you quit your job today and
  that was the last straw.

  Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that  I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal  and even wore a brand new  pair of silk boxers. You  ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after   watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you   love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that  connects us as husband and wife.

  Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me  anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

  Your EX-Husband

  P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are   moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great   life!

  @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@




  Dear Ex-Husband -

  Nothing has made my day more than receiving your   letter. It's true that you and I have been married   for seven years, although a good man is a far cry  from what you've been.

 I watch my soaps so much because  they drown out your  constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't  work..

  I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but   the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just  like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say  anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't  comment.

  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have  gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped  eating pork seven years ago.

  About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you  because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and  I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister  had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that   morning.

  After all of this, I still loved you and felt that  we could  work it out. So when I hit the lotto for   ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two  tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were  gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
 
  I hope you have the fulfilling life you always  wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote   ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

  Signed,
  Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

  P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my  sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that's not a problem.



Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on February 09, 2011, 04:29 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?  I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. "
"Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: burlington on February 10, 2011, 01:04 PM
It,s good to see Rolf Harris doing his bit for his flooded homeland. He is releasing a new song for funds - Dry my kangaroo down, sport.
Burlington.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on February 15, 2011, 11:08 PM
 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?   All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
 
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action.  So I sent her my ironing. 


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.  Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.  Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
 
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.
 
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
 
Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?
 
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
 
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.
 
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.  The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.”
 
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That’s rather a lot.  Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
 

 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on February 16, 2011, 04:40 AM
Hi

    A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
Ten Cents,' the barman replied.
Ten Cents exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
he bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

                                                          herby

 


 

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 16, 2011, 09:39 AM
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

Ironman is an extreme test of endurance and stamina. Iron woman is a simple instruction.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 16, 2011, 09:42 AM
UN Survey

Last month the UN conducted a world-wide survey by phone. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In England they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 22, 2011, 12:09 AM
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through beautiful North Wales and the Isle of Anglesey.

At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiligogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?”




The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on February 24, 2011, 08:41 PM
http://news.sympatico.ca/oped/coffee-talk/the_worlds_largest_family_has_181_members_living_under_one_roof/aadf49a3

We won't allow this sort of behavior but maybe Ashton would welcome him with open arms.
I think it was Harold Wilson who was responsible for opening the doors to India but failed to request the number of dependent relatives of the future immigrant.
BIG MISTAKE!!!!
Wouldn't need many of these guys to upset the population balance.
Maybe the monkey business is responsible.ie.bathing!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on February 25, 2011, 04:20 AM
There Goes The Neighbourhood! (http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/856516-village-angry-after-man-parks-10-000-military-tank-outside-his-home)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: pamela on March 06, 2011, 06:39 PM
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day , and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop
dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the skippin'
   


Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 21, 2011, 12:45 AM
Did you hear about the dyslexic Yorkshireman with a cat flap on his head ?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 21, 2011, 12:49 AM
10 foot of black tarmac walks into a bar and says to the bar man I want a pint now coz I'm hard.

The bar man serves the tarmac and he takes his drink and sits down.

Shortly after 10 foot of red tarmac walks in.

The black tarmac sees the red tarmac, and hides under the table.

The red tarmac quietly orders a drink, drinks it then leaves.

After he has left the black tarmac comes out of hiding from under the table.

The barman asks if your so hard why did you hide?

The black tarmac replies I am hard but he is a cyclepath.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 22, 2011, 10:48 PM
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"




After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 07, 2011, 09:29 PM
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'



There, that should offend just about everybody.  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on April 18, 2011, 09:31 PM
Newly married couple,the husband remembers his fathers advice ,so he throws his trousers over to his wife and say,s put them on,she says do,nt be silly they are far to big and won,t fit,Exactly he say,s i wear the trousers in this house.His wife throws her knickers over to him and says put them on.he says do,nt be daft they are far to small i,ll never get into them.Exactly she says and you never will unless you change your attitude.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on April 19, 2011, 08:31 PM
The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes honestly it,s true!
She pressed"control"and "enter"
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm,
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I,ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind,I,ve even used the internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found "online".
So,if inside your "in-box"
My Grandma you should see,
Please "copy,Scan and paste"her
And send her back to me.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on April 19, 2011, 08:41 PM
He said to his wife, What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
She say,s ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: paul_b on May 01, 2011, 11:01 PM
http://www.terrisfp1.com/flash6/bath.swf
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bardsleycrow on May 20, 2011, 10:12 AM
Hiker. Going through Highlands in Scotland stops for a drink out of stream down on his knees scooping the water with one hand.He hears a voice looking round he sees a Gillie.The Gillie shouts out hey laddie don't drnk that water its poisond by the animals using it to wee and poo in.Hiker replies sorry I dont understand you i'm English,the Gillie replies use both hands it's faster.
Kevin

















Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on May 26, 2011, 03:55 PM

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?
Headlines from Newspapers
 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter   


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
      Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
       Now that's taking things a bit far!

  -----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
       What a guy!   
--------------------------------------------------------------- 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------ 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
  ----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace 
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
   Ya think?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
      Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
  ----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
     He probably IS the battery charge!
---------------------------------------------- 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------   

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
 ---------------- --------------------------------- 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
       Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

   Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
       Boy, are they tall!
 ******************************************* 

And the winner is.... 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
 
     Did I read that right?
***************************************************

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 27, 2011, 05:05 AM
Ryan Giggs says he gets homesick, he likes Manchester but he does Miss Wales occasionally.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 30, 2011, 02:32 AM
DNA matching of bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 57% coconut, 18% sugar and 6% milk.




Experts say this is probably due to the bounty on his head.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on May 30, 2011, 11:00 PM
DNA matching of bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 57% coconut, 18% sugar and 6% milk.




Experts say this is probably due to the bounty on his head.

Smile generated

Thanks
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 17, 2011, 06:44 PM
the difference 34 years make           1977 long hair   2011 longing for hair   1977  acid rock   2011  acid  reflux  1977  rolling  stones  2011 kidney stones   cheers  kenneth o
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on June 29, 2011, 05:44 PM
hi went to the chinese takeaway the other day picked my order up put in the back of the car and drove home on my way i heard a rufflle and two eyes looking at me out of the bag of food i ordered ,i slowed down and looked again nothing to be seen , started on my journey home and the bag ruffled again and two eyes were looking at me again , i turned the car round and went back to the chinese take away took the bag of food in and asked for the manager , i explained to him what had happened , he looke inside the bag of food and said its allright its only a  ;PEEKING DUCK  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on July 22, 2011, 11:10 AM
A chinese couple have just had an albino baby. It just goes to show, two wongs CAN make a White  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on July 25, 2011, 07:24 PM

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on July 26, 2011, 08:51 PM


A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'
With the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Some day, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren..

Love, your son, Nicholas.
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 01, 2011, 09:20 PM
more  smiles  wanted apply within cheers  kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 01, 2011, 11:58 PM
A consonant walks into a bar..

A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowelly girl.

"Hi!" he says. "I'll alphabet that you've never been here before."

"Of cursive I have," she replies. "I come here all the time. For me, it's parse for the course."

The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl's letter-perfect charm.

"Here's a cute joke" he states declaratively. "Up at the North Pole, St Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. And Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses."

Then he lays on some more dashes of humor: "Have you heard about the fellow who had half his digestive tract removed? He walked around with a semi-colon."

"Are you prepositioning me?" asks the vowelly girl.

"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your beauty phrase my nerves. Won't you come up to my place for a coordinating conjunction?"

"I don't want to be diacritical of you, but you're such a boldfaced character!" replies the vowelly girl. "Do I have to spell it out to you, or are you just plain comma-tose? You're not my type, so get off my case!"

Despite his past perfect, he is, at present, tense.

"Puhleeze, gag me with a spoonerism!" she objects. "As my Grammar and other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the guttural. I resent your umlautish behavior. You should know what the wages of syntax are. I nominative absolutely decline to conjugate with you for sure!"

"You get high quotation marks for that one," he smiles, "even if I think you're being rather subjunctive and moody about all this. I so admire your figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life on yours." So he gets himself into an indicative mood and says, "It would be appreciated by me if you would be married to me."

"Are you being passive aggressive?" she asks interrogatively.

"No, I'm speaking in the active voice. Please don't have a vowel movement about this. I simile want to say to you, 'Metaphors be with you!'. I would never want to change you and become a misplaced modifier. It's imperative that you understand that I'm very, very font of you and want us to spend infinitive together."

"That's quite a compliment," she blushes -- and gives him appositive response.

At the ceremonies they exchange wedding vowels about the compound subject of marriage.

Finally, they say, "I do," which is actually the longest and most complex of sentences -- a run-on sentence, actually -- one that we all hope won't turn out to be a sentence fragment.

Then the minister diagrams that sentence and says, "I now pronouns you consonant and vowel."

They kiss each other on the ellipsis and whisper to each other, "I love you, noun forever."

Throughout their marriage, their structure is perfectly parallel and their verbs never disagree with their subjects.

After many a linking verve, comma splice and interjection, they conceive the perfect parent thesis. Then come some missing periods and powerful contractions, and into the world is born their beautiful little boy.


They know it is a boy because of its dangling participle.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 02, 2011, 12:06 AM
The Frenchman, the Italian and the Kiwi

The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her
body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made
her scream, non stop for five minutes."




The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes straight."





The Kiwi said: "That's nothing!!! Last night I massaged my
wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body
with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long
hours."




The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours? Voila ! Sacre Bleu !! Phenomenal!!!


How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"







The Kiwi: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 02, 2011, 12:09 AM
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.



The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.



'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.


But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.



The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,



( scroll down )






















' ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'





WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.



'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'





















'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 02, 2011, 12:28 AM
The country has begun the process of working up to a referendum on changing the currency.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change to the Euro.

98% said no, they were happy to stick with the Giro.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 02, 2011, 12:29 AM
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald said to Daisy 'let's have thex'.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they couldn't have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 15, 2011, 01:16 AM
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle.

I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"!

Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!

Tomorrow I am going to start using Morning Fresh dishwashing liquid. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Joyce_in_Canada on August 15, 2011, 07:45 PM
Kiwi.... :o ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  Thanks for my huge laugh of the day!   ;D  Perhaps I'll change my shampoo as well! 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 16, 2011, 04:20 AM
Two flies settle in the kitchen, how do you tell which is male and which is female?

One is on the beer can, the other is on the 'phone.



My local college have recently started evening classes; I was going to do the course on "How to Overcome Apathy" but couldn't be bothered in the end.





A woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who approaches her immediately. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he does, she gently caresses his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks.

"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me," she says. "I need to speak to him."

"I'm afraid I can't. Is there anything I can do?" he asks.

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."



A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Oh no, definitely not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.


Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too, he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f***ing widow."



A frog walks into a bank and approaches a teller.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack
Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you?? Yeah, I know you are........)



Ring Ring .....

"Eh, hello, this is the maid speaking"

"Hello, is madam there please?"

"Eh master no the Madam she is in bed with the gadden boy"

"Right, now listen very carefully to me. You know where the gun is kept?"

"Yes Master"

"Go and get the gun, shoot the garden boy dead, then shoot Madam, and when you've done that come back to the 'phone and I'll tell you what to do next."

Footsteps ...... gunshot .... woman screams ...... gunshot .... footsteps ....

"Hello Master, the Madam and the gadden boy are both very dead now."

"Thank, now, just go and throw the gun into the deep end of the swimming pool and do nothing else until I get home."

"Sorry Master?"

"I said, throw the gun into the deep end of the swimming pool."

"Eh Master, there is no swimming pool here ...."

"I see ...... errr ...... is that 486 1234?"



Brunette goes to the doctor and says "Doctor I ache all over" doctor says "I find that hard to believe" so she touches her arm "ouch", she touches her leg "ouch"

Doctor " you are not really brunette are you",

Brunette " no I'm blond"

Doctor" I thought so, your finger is broken".



Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on August 16, 2011, 12:19 PM
Frank Feldman!
I like it!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 17, 2011, 12:18 AM
The Kiwi
The  Land of the Wrong White Crowd has produced many terrifying figures over the years – Sir Ed Hillary, Dame Kiri Tinknickers and Haley Westenwotsit spring to mind - but none is more pant-wettingly frightening than the notorious 'Kiwi'. Here are a few facts about him:

1.   Guns don't kill people, the Kiwi kills people.
2.   The Kiwi can believe it's not butter.
3.   There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that the Kiwi allows to live.
4.   The Kiwi does not sleep. He waits.
5.   The main export of the Kiwi is pain.
6.   The Kiwi has two speeds. Walk and kill.
7.   The leading causes of death in NZ are 1) Heart disease, 2) The Kiwi and 3) Cancer.
8.   The Kiwi doesn't go hunting. He goes killing.
9.   When the bogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under the bed for the Kiwi.
10.   Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as the Kiwi.
11.   The Kiwi counted to infinity....twice.
12.   When the Kiwi does a push up, he's not lifting his body weight. He's pushing the earth down.
13.   The Kiwi is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
14.   The Kiwi's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
15.   The Kiwi made the Mona Lisa smile.
16.   The Kiwi can slam a revolving door.
17.   The Kiwi can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
18.   Remember the Soviet Union? They decide to quit when they saw the Kiwi on TV.
19.   The Kiwi doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
20.   A rolling stone gathers no moss, unless it's been told to by the Kiwi.
21.   The Kiwi doesn't believe in Germany.
22.   The Kiwi can touch MC Hammer.
23.   The Kiwi once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver...and won.
24.   Whilst urinating The Kiwi is easily capable of welding titanium.
25.   The Kiwi ordered a Big Mac at BurgerKing...and got one.
26.   The Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Square until The Kiwi kicked one of the corners off
27.   Newton's third law is wrong. Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a The Kiwi roundhouse kick.
28.   The Kiwi can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
29.   The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The Kiwi has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
30.   The Kiwi invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
31.   The Kiwi will decide the Second Coming and will judge the living and the dead, not Jesus Christ.
32.   Contrary to popular belief....there is enough of The Kiwi to go round.
33.   On his birthday, The Kiwi randomly selects one lucky child to throw into the Sun.
34.   The Kiwi has 12 moons. One of those moons is The Earth.
35.   The Kiwi and Chuck Norris walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
36.   The Kiwi was the reason Saddam Hussain went on the run.
37.   The Kiwi does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge The Kiwi.
38.   When The Kiwi says you don't hand out sweets to local kids...you don't hand out sweets to local kids
39.   The Kiwi didn't join the British Army, The British Army joined him
40.   The Kiwi uses ribbed condoms inside out, so that he gets the pleasure.
41.   The Kiwi once 'roundhouse' kicked a bloke that hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Erhardt while she was flying over the Pacific.
42.   The Kiwi lost his virginity before his Dad did.
43.   The Kiwi sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the deal was finalized, The Kiwi roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The Devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
44.   The Kiwi built a time machine and went back in time to stop JFK being assassinated. As Oswald fired, The Kiwi met all three bullets with his 'RayBans', deflecting each one of them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
45.   The Kiwi is not hung like a horse.....horses are hung like The Kiwi.
46.   The Kiwi was the fourth wise man. He brought the baby Jesus a pair of RayBanz. Jesus wore them proudly until the day that he died. The other three wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have The Kiwi omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died from 'roundhouse kick' related deaths.
47.   It was once believed that The Kiwi actually lost a fight to a Pirate. This is a lie created by The Kiwi himself, to lure more Pirates. Pirates aren't very smart.
48.   The Kiwi recently decided to sell his urine in cans. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
49.   Questions: If paper beats rock and rock beat scissors and scissors beats paper, what beats all three? Answer: The Kiwi.
50.   If you can see The Kiwi, he can see you. If you can't see The Kiwi, you may only be seconds away from death.
51.   On the Seventh Day God rested. The Kiwi took over.
52.   The Kiwi has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
53.   The Kiwi does not use spell check. If he happens to mispell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling.
54.   When The Kiwi was denied a Sausage and Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
55.   They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Neither does The Kiwi. He doesn't have to.
56.   If The Kiwi looks you in the eye, you will explode.

And you thought it just ate roots and leaves  ;)


Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 17, 2011, 03:13 AM
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.



Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. (Feel the burn)

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.


After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. (Feel the strength in your arms).


Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 19, 2011, 02:27 AM
At a local Marlborough cellar door, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

 

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

 

The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

 

He tried it and said, "It's a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable."

 

"That's correct", said the boss.

 

Another glass....

 

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."

 

"Correct."

 

A third glass...

 

''It's a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

 

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass.

The alcoholic tried it.

 

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on August 20, 2011, 09:02 AM
   Hi
       
SEX AFTER DEATH
 
A COUPLE MADE A DEAL THAT WHOEVER DIED FIRST WOULD COME BACK AND
INFORM THE OTHER OF THE SEX AFTER DEATH. THEIR BIGGEST FEAR WAS THAT
THERE WAS NO AFTER-LIFE AT ALL.
AFTER A LONG LIFE TOGETHER, THE HUSBAND
WAS THE FIRST TO DIE. TRUE TO HIS WORD, HE MADE THE FIRST CONTACT:


"JUUUDY ........... JUUUUDY?"

"IS THAT YOU, GEORGE?"

"YES, I'VE COME BACK LIKE WE AGREED."

"THAT'S WONDERFUL! WHAT'S IT LIKE?"

"WELL, I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I HAVE SEX. I HAVE BREAKFAST
AND THEN IT'S OFF TO THE GOLF COURSE.

I HAVE SEX AGAIN, BATHE IN THE WARM SUN AND THEN HAVE SEX A
COUPLE OF MORE TIMES.

THEN I HAVE LUNCH (YOU'D BE PROUD - LOTS OF GREENS). ANOTHER
ROMP AROUND THE GOLF COURSE, THEN PRETTY MUCH HAVE SEX THE REST OF THE
AFTERNOON. AFTER SUPPER, IT'S BACK TO GOLF COURSE AGAIN.

THEN IT'S MORE SEX UNTIL LATE AT NIGHT. I CATCH SOME
MUCH-NEEDED SLEEP AND THEN THE NEXT DAY IT STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN"

"OH, GEORGE...ARE YOU IN HEAVEN?"

"NO ............ I'M A RABBIT IN Queensland

 ."   
                                                                        herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on August 29, 2011, 07:01 PM


WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
Their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
Said, "Land mines."



Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):



BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!







Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 06, 2011, 04:42 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/mickey-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 08, 2011, 04:17 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/piggy.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on September 10, 2011, 03:21 PM
The Kiwi
The  Land of the Wrong White Crowd has produced many terrifying figures over the years – Sir Ed Hillary, Dame Kiri Tinknickers and Haley Westenwotsit spring to mind - but none is more pant-wettingly frightening than the notorious 'Kiwi'. Here are a few facts about him:

1.   Guns don't kill people, the Kiwi kills people.
2.   The Kiwi can believe it's not butter.
3.   There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that the Kiwi allows to live.
4.   The Kiwi does not sleep. He waits.
5.   The main export of the Kiwi is pain.
6.   The Kiwi has two speeds. Walk and kill.
7.   The leading causes of death in NZ are 1) Heart disease, 2) The Kiwi and 3) Cancer.
8.   The Kiwi doesn't go hunting. He goes killing.
9.   When the bogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under the bed for the Kiwi.
10.   Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as the Kiwi.
11.   The Kiwi counted to infinity....twice.
12.   When the Kiwi does a push up, he's not lifting his body weight. He's pushing the earth down.
13.   The Kiwi is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
14.   The Kiwi's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
15.   The Kiwi made the Mona Lisa smile.
16.   The Kiwi can slam a revolving door.
17.   The Kiwi can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
18.   Remember the Soviet Union? They decide to quit when they saw the Kiwi on TV.
19.   The Kiwi doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
20.   A rolling stone gathers no moss, unless it's been told to by the Kiwi.
21.   The Kiwi doesn't believe in Germany.
22.   The Kiwi can touch MC Hammer.
23.   The Kiwi once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver...and won.
24.   Whilst urinating The Kiwi is easily capable of welding titanium.
25.   The Kiwi ordered a Big Mac at BurgerKing...and got one.
26.   The Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Square until The Kiwi kicked one of the corners off
27.   Newton's third law is wrong. Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a The Kiwi roundhouse kick.
28.   The Kiwi can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
29.   The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The Kiwi has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
30.   The Kiwi invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
31.   The Kiwi will decide the Second Coming and will judge the living and the dead, not Jesus Christ.
32.   Contrary to popular belief....there is enough of The Kiwi to go round.
33.   On his birthday, The Kiwi randomly selects one lucky child to throw into the Sun.
34.   The Kiwi has 12 moons. One of those moons is The Earth.
35.   The Kiwi and Chuck Norris walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
36.   The Kiwi was the reason Saddam Hussain went on the run.
37.   The Kiwi does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge The Kiwi.
38.   When The Kiwi says you don't hand out sweets to local kids...you don't hand out sweets to local kids
39.   The Kiwi didn't join the British Army, The British Army joined him
40.   The Kiwi uses ribbed condoms inside out, so that he gets the pleasure.
41.   The Kiwi once 'roundhouse' kicked a bloke that hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Erhardt while she was flying over the Pacific.
42.   The Kiwi lost his virginity before his Dad did.
43.   The Kiwi sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the deal was finalized, The Kiwi roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The Devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

44.   The Kiwi built a time machine and went back in time to stop JFK being assassinated. As Oswald fired, The Kiwi met all three bullets with his 'RayBans', deflecting each one of them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
45.   The Kiwi is not hung like a horse.....horses are hung like The Kiwi.
46.   The Kiwi was the fourth wise man. He brought the baby Jesus a pair of RayBanz. Jesus wore them proudly until the day that he died. The other three wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have The Kiwi omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died from 'roundhouse kick' related deaths.
47.   It was once believed that The Kiwi actually lost a fight to a Pirate. This is a lie created by The Kiwi himself, to lure more Pirates. Pirates aren't very smart.
48.   The Kiwi recently decided to sell his urine in cans. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
49.   Questions: If paper beats rock and rock beat scissors and scissors beats paper, what beats all three? Answer: The Kiwi.
50.   If you can see The Kiwi, he can see you. If you can't see The Kiwi, you may only be seconds away from death.
51.   On the Seventh Day God rested. The Kiwi took over.
52.   The Kiwi has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
53.   The Kiwi does not use spell check. If he happens to mispell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling.
54.   When The Kiwi was denied a Sausage and Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
55.   They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Neither does The Kiwi. He doesn't have to.
56.   If The Kiwi looks you in the eye, you will explode.

And you thought it just ate roots and leaves  ;)



http://www.essortment.com/raccoons-23619.html

Just change the KIWI to RACCOON and that's my prob.
1st was a bit scarey,next seems to be big daddy,and that's only in 4 days.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on September 10, 2011, 03:33 PM
http://news.sympatico.ca/oped/coffee-talk/senior_bureaucrat_fired_for_looking_at_pornography_on_work_computer_rehired/b6942b90

Only in Canada!!!!PITY
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 16, 2011, 03:12 AM
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pick-up truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town. Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says fine, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sunglasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 16, 2011, 03:21 AM
I woke up this morning and I looked out of my window into my garden and there was a Pikey fiddling with the padlock to my shed.

Give it a few more months and I might let him go.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 16, 2011, 03:23 AM
What goes 'Clipperty Klop, Clipperty Klop, Clipperty Klop, Clipperty Klop......
Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang.
Clipperty Klop, Clipperty Klop?


An Amish drive by shooting.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 16, 2011, 03:27 AM
Barry's colonoscopy journal:

===================

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this , but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! '

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 19, 2011, 03:29 AM
A man walks into a doctor's surgery with an airport building growing out of his leg...

"Is it serious Doctor?" he asks

The Doctor replies: "I'm afraid its Terminal!!!"



A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...













"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"



Bloke goes into a sex shop and says:

"Do you have one of those huge penises which is really a candle?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact we do." Says the assistant.

"Well, I suggest you light it," says the bloke, " I've come to cut off your electric."



Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and contraception."

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower -case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!



Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in
front of him; the other a Star of David. Many people pass by and look at both
beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is
the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a
beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of
spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the
beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the
Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 21, 2011, 01:15 AM
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local vicar appears, and quickly goes inside. "Will you look at that", says the first Irishman, "and didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are".

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes inside. "There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats", say the second Irishman.

They are drinking their beer and roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside.

"Oh, how sad!", says the third Irishman, "One of the girls must have died!".



A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and discusses where they should eat. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Junction Inn because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again to discuss where they should eat. Finally they agree that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets and again discusses where they should eat. Finally they agree to meet at the Junction Inn because they have never been there before.



The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway:

Gentlemen,
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan



Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann



Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Patrick Finnegan



Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a f***ing clueless idiot.

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name,'I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise

Then she asks, ' Whats the boy's name?'

'Denephew' The doctor replies.



An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman, who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied ..

"NO! - I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION .. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'



Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on September 24, 2011, 08:36 AM
An old man wanted to plant a tomatoe garden, but it was difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son , Vincent, who use to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling sad because I won't be able to plant my tomatoe garden this year.
I am to old already.

I know if you wer here, you would happily dig the plo for me, like in the old days.
Love Papa

A few days later, he received a letter from his son .
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love Vinnie

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologised to the old man and left.

That day he received another letter from his son:
Dear Papa
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances Love you Vinnie
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 27, 2011, 10:12 PM
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.


Apparently she'd stood him up.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 03, 2011, 08:25 PM
Did you hear about that light plane that crashed into a Ferris Wheel in Australia over the weekend ?.


The pilot is slowly coming round.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 04, 2011, 10:10 PM
In breaking news it's just been reported that the pilot has given up flying,
   






(wait for it)














he couldn't see the attraction.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 02:34 AM
Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 72nd birthday was yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 02:47 AM
Yesterday was the 51st anniversary of the Flintstones.
However, apparently, the people in Dubai don't get it, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!!!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 02:55 AM
When my grandfather was dying, we rubbed goose grease all over his chest and back.

He went downhill fast after that.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 03:11 AM
My wife has been unhappy for a while because she thinks I don't pay her attention and she suggested we go to marriage guidance.

The counsellor asked me if I knew what my wife's favourite flower was.

'Of course I do,' I said, leaned over to my wife, took her hand tenderly, gazed into her eyes and said 'it's Homepride, isn't it love?'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 03:19 AM
My missus says I'm immature and wants a day to ourselves to discuss my behaviour.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen in conker season.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 03:22 AM
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 03:23 AM
The Grim Reaper came for me last night but, I managed to beat him off with the vacuum cleaner...

Talk about Dyson with death.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 03:42 AM
The little zoo was very proud of it's pair of Gnus. They were named George and Mildred. Some months after acquiring them it became increasingly obvious that a happy event was to take place and sure enough onefine morning the keeper of the ungulates came in to find a little Gnu at Mildred's feet - or should that be hooves? The calf was named Robin. All was well until one day the keeper noticed that George was off his fodder. Despite their best efforts and those of the vet George turned up his hooves and died. Still, at least they still had Mildred and Robin. The little family thrived but, Mildred began to look a little listless, a little dull in the eyes. Once again the vet was summoned, once again the staff watched, agonizingly as Mildred eventually succumbed to a mysterious desease and she too curled up her hooves and became lion grub. The ungulate collection now relied incresingly on hitherto lively little Robin. who had developed a dry bronchial cough. Sure enough, as if the fates themselves had taken against the little zoo and it's dedicated staff little Robin passed on and went the way of his parents. Aaaaaah!















Well that's the end of the Gnus, here's the weather...............
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 06, 2011, 03:59 AM
My racing snail Fred has been lacking a little pace of late.

I removed his shell, in the hope he would be a little more streamlined.

Now he has become very sluggish.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 07, 2011, 01:10 AM
I had a dream that I was looking out over a beautiful ocean made out of fizzy drink.

But then I woke up and realised it was just a Fanta sea....
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on October 10, 2011, 05:03 AM
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 04:07 AM
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar........... The Welshman is still in New Zealand.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 04:09 AM
10 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs...

Now we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 04:09 AM
Paul McCartney is gonna be p***** off when he finds out his new missus spends twice as much on shoes as his old one did!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 04:10 AM
All we need now is for iPhones to start playing up and we'll have the dream headline:




Apple and Blackberry Crumble.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 04:11 AM
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither...'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,










'SUPPLIES!!! !'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 11:23 PM
An old guy was in John Lewis the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."


(Most old guys are helpful like that).
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 11:26 PM
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.

He just walked in.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 11:27 PM
A woman is walking with her dog when it slips and falls into the water.

A German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.

'Are you a vet?' asked the woman.

'Vet?' said the German. 'I'm f…ing soaked!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 12, 2011, 11:30 PM
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago ?, Well it still exists!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on October 13, 2011, 05:48 AM
Hi
     LATE NIGHT CALL TO THE VET

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look  after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

 

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

 

Having explained the problem to  him, the vet said,

 

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

 

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

 

"It just worked for me," he replied.
                                                                           herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on October 13, 2011, 05:57 AM
Hi

        I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what
I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

--------------------------------------------------------------


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
it….soldier on.

--------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.  Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

-------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man all walked
into a pub.  The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a
Thai”.

----------------------------------

Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched
off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s
burning my bum”.

--------------------------------------------------------------

You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

----------------------------------------------------------------

News just in….There’s female ref for the United v City match. The kick
off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

-----------------------------------------------

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor,
says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it
up!


-------------------------------------

 And, save the best til last

 

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.


I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.         herby

 

 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 19, 2011, 02:53 AM
Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove...



A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related...




Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...




I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 19, 2011, 03:04 AM
A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”

“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”

“A fottle,” replies the inventor.

“A fottle? That’s stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”

“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”

“And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.

“A farton”, replies the inventor.

“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” says the inventor... “You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 19, 2011, 03:11 AM
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning... Allegedly!


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.


Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.


Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.. 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....












'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 19, 2011, 03:16 AM
Humorous Interpretations


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I'll have to remember this one)

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, only if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 19, 2011, 03:41 AM
A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off a bridge - so they stopped.

The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you'll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 19, 2011, 03:42 AM
If you see an email warning that you can get swine flu from tinned pork, delete it.

It's spam!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 19, 2011, 03:51 AM
A man goes into a bookshop and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men
with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 19, 2011, 03:57 AM
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop at any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over!

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 20, 2011, 02:45 AM
A very handsome muscular bloke walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.  he then asked if there was something she could help him with.

The bloke said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent ten-inch erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist then said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." 

When she returned, she said "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 20, 2011, 02:47 AM
I'm reading a book about anti gravity.

Can't put it down.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 20, 2011, 02:48 AM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 20, 2011, 02:49 AM
Two goldfish in tank, one says "You drive, I'll shoot"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on October 23, 2011, 09:20 AM
Paddy got a letter in the post this morning.
It landed on the floor,
says on the envelope
DO NOT BEND



He's still wondering how to pick it up !
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on October 25, 2011, 08:03 AM
An Asian fellow has moved in next door.
He as travelled the world,
swum with sharks, Wrestled bears and
climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no suprise to learn
his name was Bindair Dundat


19 Paddies go to the cinema,
the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you? " Mick
replies, "The film said 18 or over
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 27, 2011, 02:52 AM
Socially Unacceptable Humour

I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my penis was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg!"

A poor old lady fell over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor -- she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt.
Do you think I should change dentists?


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day; I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. "Mexicans" wasn't the right answer either.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine was just telling me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I knew, four thousand Muslims friended me!

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help with the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to,
but our garden hose only reaches as far as the driveway.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 27, 2011, 02:53 AM
Barman says "I'm sorry. We don't serve neutrinos in here."

A sub-atomic particle walks into a bar.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 27, 2011, 02:55 AM
A horse called ’Gadaffi’ is running in the 15:05 at Cheptow today.

Punters reckon it’s a dead sirte.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 27, 2011, 03:20 AM
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving home, he wakes one morning to find his old man covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a GP. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your willy, and it will cost you. This is so rare, it’s not on the NHS list. "

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, thinking that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his todger and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My GP wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid western docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 27, 2011, 03:30 AM
One for the ockers.........

A bloke who had just bought a new Mercedes turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he stomped back into the garage and yelled "When I buy a $200,000 car I expect the damn radio to work."

The salesman explained to him that the radio had been programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing.

"Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning.

"Easy listening," he remarked, and at once it sounded like he was in a supermarket.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a car cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it another car with a woman driver cuts him off.

"Bloody useless f@#$ing bitch!" he screamed.

The radio comes on ... "..now here is an address from Prime Minister Julia Gillard on behalf of the Australian Labour Party..."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 27, 2011, 03:35 AM
Two Irish shoemakers who can't sell their wares because they are called Goldstein and Finkenblum decide as a dsperate measure to put their remaining capital into buying the most costly materials, which they sew into a spectacular pair of slippers and send off to the Pope in Rome.

Weeks later a letter of gratitude comes back from the Vatican City. The two Jews waste no time in putting a sign up over their door "Goldstein and Finkenblum, Cobblers to the Pope".

Late that night there's a crash of breaking glass as a stone is hurled through their window. Wraped around it is a piece of paper, bearing the inscription: "and Bollocks to the Rabbi..."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 27, 2011, 03:56 AM
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 27, 2011, 03:59 AM
An environmentalist came into a mate's shop and bought a few bits and pieces. "Would you like a bag for those?" the mate asked as he began scanning his items.

"Only if they degrade." the greenie replied.

So he took a black marker pen and wrote on it "The person carrying this bag is a stinking, worthless, hippy plonker."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 28, 2011, 12:14 AM
How it all works.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Ashton under Lyne ..

They go with a government official to examine the wall..

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Ashton under Lyne contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Ashton under Lyne contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ...... is how it all works.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 28, 2011, 12:17 AM
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in B&Q."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 28, 2011, 12:31 AM

Moses comes down from the mountain clutching the tablets.

"I've got good news and bad news" he shouts to the assembled throng.

"What's the good news"? cries the crowd in unison.

"I got Him down to ten" replies the bearded one.

Again, the crowd cries in unison, "What's the bad news"?

"Adultery is still in".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 28, 2011, 12:40 AM
Paddy can't finish the crossword, just one clue left..

"Mick, what's 6 letters and 7 letters, "a flightless bird from Iceland"

"That's easy Pat, Frozen Chicken"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 28, 2011, 12:48 AM
Sorry about these....no I'm not  :P

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,


"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"



Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression:


"He who has a Tates is lost!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on October 30, 2011, 06:47 PM
Duz tha speak Yorkshire?
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the Vets.
Yorkshire man: " Ay up lad, I neet to tak to
thee about my cat"
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshire ; "Nay. Ive browt it with us."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on October 31, 2011, 05:03 AM
Hi Fudge
                Good one    herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ourjud1 on October 31, 2011, 05:37 PM
HAVE A NICE DAY


 Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.  As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelve set up.
 
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
 
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
 
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
 
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well,
 only two left!'
                                   ourjud1
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 09, 2011, 02:27 AM
What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 09, 2011, 02:32 AM
When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 09, 2011, 02:47 AM
How to speak New Zealand (Noo Zild)

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 09, 2011, 02:59 AM
There's an old married couple in their 80's born and bred in Yorkshire and living in Leeds.

Unfortunately, the wife dies. She is subsequently buried and the husband arranges a headstone.

He goes to the stonemason and asks for a stone that says

ACCEPT DEAREST MARGARET LORD
SHE WERE THINE

Two weeks later, he goes to her grave to see the new headstone. It says

ACCEPT DEAREST MARGARET LORD
SHE WERE THIN

The old chap is mortified and goes to the stonemason to complain.

"You've missed the E off lad,"he says.
The stonemason is most apologetic and promises that it will be rectified by the following morning.

Next morning, the old chap goes to the grave to check that the work has been done. The headstone now reads

ACCEPT DEAREST MARGARET LORD
E, SHE WERE THIN
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 15, 2011, 10:29 PM

These are so true it’s scary !!!!!

Anyone noticed the locations for these incidents !!!...

IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20,   so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the girls at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley , Kent UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Crayford , Kent , UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Gillingham Kent , UK .



IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened Luton Airport ...... UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford Kent, UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic "It's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the

RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!

Cheer Lynn  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 16, 2011, 12:35 AM
Why don't polar bears eat penguins ??

They haven't got opposable thumbs so they can't get the wrappers off  ;)




PS The real answer is polar bear = Arctic, penguin= Antarctic, but this is the jokes part of the board  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on November 16, 2011, 03:53 AM
How to speak New Zealand (Noo Zild)

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast

Whist
Crosschurch
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 16, 2011, 04:05 AM


Whist - opposite east
Crosschurch - shaky city
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on December 04, 2011, 01:30 PM
Hi

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."


Subject: Banking Crisis


 
      
How the Irish intend to solve the current banking crisis

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver it the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

Paddy now works for Bank of Ireland. .

                                                               herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on December 07, 2011, 09:53 PM
                                   LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
                                   ----------------------------

* Memory was something that you lost with age
* Aplication was for employment
* A cursor profanity

                              * A keyboard was a piano
                              * A web was a spiders home
                              * A virus was the flu
                              * A CD was a bank account

      * A hard drive was a long trip on the road
      * A mouse pad was were a mouse lived
      * And if you had a 3 1/2 Floppy
         you just hoped nobody found out
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 08, 2011, 03:34 AM
Be on the lookout for a new breed of 'Evil­ Manc' computer viruses that could seriously affect­ / infect your PC.

There are many varieties of this­ virus, each affecting your computer in a different way.­ Details of each Variant of this virus are shown­ below.

The Manchester United Virus - This where the­ computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about­ every thing before 1993.

The Manchester United shirt­ virus - Designed to drain your bank account This one is­ especially hard to detect as it changes its format­ every three months.

The David Beckham virus - This­ affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks­ great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

The­ Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex­ Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous­ whining noise. The on screen clock runs a lot slower­ than all the other computers in the building.

The­ Solskjaer virus - Will take numerous attempts to get­ into the net often failing completely.

The Ryan Giggs­ virus - The computer develops a processor problem­ whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is.­ It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in­ performance.

The Fabien Barthez virus - You just­ can't save anything.

Laurent Blanc virus - Makes­ your Computer go really slow and Creates big holes in­ your Hard-Drive!

The Phil Neville virus - The worst­ of all, ruins all memory of basic functions and­ programmes, randomly delivering data to the wrong goal.­ Also weakens all communications within the network­

Dressing Room virus - Appears when the system fails.­ Reboot may be dangerous.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 08, 2011, 03:48 AM
Just heard that Ringway Airport is really popular with long haul passengers, apparently Manchester is the quickest way out of Europe.

and..........


Mrs Kiwi just bought me an early Xmas pressie, it's a map of the world but I think it's a dud, can't find Manchester in Europe.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on December 08, 2011, 06:21 AM
Hi Kiwi
              It's not in Europe it's in England and we just got the big A out of the champions league  herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on December 19, 2011, 04:24 PM

A doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum

Vanessa
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on December 19, 2011, 07:02 PM
lol Hi Newbie , welcome back  ;D xx
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 04, 2012, 10:19 AM
Our ikkle village of Waikickamoocow is getting all excited about next October, it's the 150th anniversary of the primary school being established and they're planning a big re-union and stuff.

I hate to be the one to have to tell them, but 150 year old people are a tad thin on the ground round these parts  :-\

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Joyce_in_Canada on January 04, 2012, 11:07 PM
The Canadian Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.....

They suggest anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or Sleeping Bag
Extra clothing, including Hat and Gloves
24 hours worth of Food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare Batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty Gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster Cables

I looked like a friggin' idiot on the Bus this morning!!!!   ;D ;D ;D ;D



Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 04, 2012, 11:12 PM
Nice ones keep them coming  :D :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 05, 2012, 12:29 AM
way to go joyce cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on January 05, 2012, 12:59 PM
Nice one Joyce!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 07, 2012, 11:04 PM
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 12-foot grizzly charging right towards him.

He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:


"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 07, 2012, 11:09 PM
Why do anarchists only drink Earl Gray?













































































Because proper tea is theft........


I'll get me parka.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 07, 2012, 11:13 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a posh night club. The bouncer said:


Sorry, can't let you in without a Thai.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on January 28, 2012, 08:56 AM
 ;) :) WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! 'NUFF SAID!)         PAGE 1
We are people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are ONE NATION but we're divided into many States:
FIRST, there's VICTORIA, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's livable'... At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
NEXT, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar. Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains sparate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that if the family bonks together it stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on January 28, 2012, 09:07 AM
 ;) ;) WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('NUFF SAID!!)PAGE 2
SOUTH AUSTRALIA- is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown. Just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the track caused the Formula One Drivers to sleep at the wheel.
WESTERN AUSTRALIA:- is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work! WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the Government and business sectors.
THE NORTHERN TERRITORY:- Is the red heart of our land, Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe,Kangroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Terriotory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there. And the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on January 28, 2012, 09:13 AM
 ;) :)WE ARE AUSTRALIANS ('NUFF SAID!!). page 3 contd?-

And there's QUEENSLAND:-
While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland - its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
OH YES! and there's CANBERRA:- The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we're whingeing: we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on January 28, 2012, 09:21 AM
 ;) ;) ;) WE ARE AUSTRALIAN'S ('NUFF SAID!!!)    PAGE 4 CONTD/

We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be right mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide???) We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And wer'e the best in the world at all the sports that count. Like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem  racist, closed-minded, Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I AM........YOU ARE..........WE ARE AUSTRALIANS.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 28, 2012, 09:57 AM
Nice one Dannyx6 I really enjoyed them verses Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 03, 2012, 03:16 AM
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on February 03, 2012, 11:01 AM
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST.
Yesterday a man had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knIfe or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, He noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the man, and by now a very embarrassed man. But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied.
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DONT'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOUR'S/
The room erupted in applause!
DONT MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 13, 2012, 11:51 PM
a  woman walked             in the doctors office with a huge frog on her head how long have you had that says the doctor dont know said the frog it started as a growth on my toe   cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 02, 2012, 11:16 PM
it"s always been and always will be the same in the world the horse does the work and the coachman is tipped ..anon         work harder  millions on  welfare depend on you..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 03, 2012, 04:11 AM
The new Maggie Thatcher film, The Iron Lady, has a PG certificate, not suitable for miners.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 03, 2012, 05:12 AM
i like that one kiwi cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on March 03, 2012, 05:07 PM
Don't you just know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business? When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand you can now get your own back!!!!
AFTER A BUSY DAY HE SETTLED DOWN IN HIS TRAIN FROM WATERLOO FOR A NAP AS FAR AS HIS DESTINATION AT WINCHESTER, WHEN THE CHAP SITTING NEAR HIM HAULED OUT HIS MOBILE AND STARTED UP:-
"HI DARLING IT'S PETER. I'M ON THE TRAIN - YES, I KNOW IT'S THE 6-30 AND I'M LATE BUT I HAD A LONG MEETING. NO, NOT WITH THAT FLOOZIE FROM THE TYPING POOL, WITH THE BOSS. NO DARLING YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN MY LIFE - YES, I'M SURE, CROSS MY HEART" ETC, ETC.
THIS IS STILL GOING ON AS THE TRAIN PASSED BY WIMBLEDON WHEN THE YOUNG WOMAN OPPOSITE, DRIVEN BEYOND ENDURANCE, YELLED AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE "HEY, PETER, TURN THAT BLOODY PHONE OFF AND COME BACK TO BED!!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on March 04, 2012, 01:08 PM
New seatbelt design!!! (http://nedmartin.org/v3/amused/seatbelt)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 05, 2012, 04:05 AM
The Salvation Army in Yorkshire realised that it had never received a donation from one of Leeds' most successful lawyers.

So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual business turnover is about three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly," the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."


And then the lawyer said, "So if I don't give any ruddy money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 05, 2012, 04:08 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/attachment-4.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 05, 2012, 04:16 AM
A scientist has invented a bra that stops boobs jiggling about when a woman runs and prevents the nipples sticking out in cold weather....


His colleagues have kicked the living cr@p out of him!!  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 05, 2012, 09:22 PM
the superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell..  confucius..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 07, 2012, 05:02 AM
if a train  station is where the train stops, whats a work station??  kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 08, 2012, 12:00 AM
a man walks in the pub and noticed two large girlsstanding at the bar they both had strong accents so he said hi are you two girls from scotland and one of them chirped its wales you stuped idiot oh i am sorry he said. are you two whales  from  scotland?? cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 13, 2012, 08:46 PM
a young teacher on her first year in a very poorcommunity was getting along very well but she noticed that one little boy didn,t smell very good and by the end of the week he just smelled worse so she pinned a note on his shirt to his mother  :johnny does not smell very good could you please give him a bath before he returns to class.. when johnny returned to school on monday he had a note for his teacher pinned to his shirt.:i agree johnny"s no rose so teach him dont smell him..  cheers kennetho
Title: Military Joke
Post by: Kiwi on March 14, 2012, 10:08 PM
Three soldiers sat in the NAAFI having a chat about which trade came first.

The Medic said. "God made Eve from a rib off Adam, if that ain't Medical surgery, what is?"

"Yeah," said the Royal Engineer, "but in the beginning, out of the the confusion, God created Earth. And that's got to be engineering."

And the Intelligence Corp Cpl said, "OK, so who caused the confusion?"
Title: Genie Joke
Post by: Kiwi on March 14, 2012, 10:11 PM
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into it and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. Then he pulls from the bag a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! piano concerto 5


"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"

The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Title: WW 3
Post by: Kiwi on March 14, 2012, 10:19 PM
President Obama and Hillary Clinton are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Clinton sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you doing in here?"

Obama says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iranians this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?"

"Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Obama turns to Hillary and says,

"See, I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iranians!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on March 14, 2012, 11:07 PM
            Acts 2 - 38

A woman had just returned home from an evening Church Service,When she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables and yelled: 'stop! Acts 2:38!'

(Repent and be Baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ, so your sins may be forgiven)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had don.

As the officer cuffed the man to take in, he asked the burgalar:
Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you:

'Scripture' replied the burgalar. 'She had an Ax and Two 38s!'

                                                                               Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 17, 2012, 02:27 AM
a farmer pulls prank on easter sunday after the egg hunt  he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightlycoloured one.minutes later the roosterwalks in he spots the coloured eggs, storms out and beats up the peacock...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 19, 2012, 03:02 AM
for sale; eight puppies from a german shepherd and an alaskan hussy..
Title: Some One Liners
Post by: Kiwi on March 22, 2012, 12:19 AM
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £30!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.



I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.



I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



I was driving this morning when I saw a RAC van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'



On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on March 22, 2012, 01:25 AM
Bless you Kiwi
You have me in stitches

"   she only had £1.20 in her purse"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2012, 03:24 AM

The London Heart hospital have released a statement saying the excellent news is that Muamba can now breathe unaided, can recognise his team mates and has regained control of his limbs. Furthermore, he can assimilate simple instructions and show his understanding of what's going on around him.
City are interested in a swap deal for Tevez....





Wayne Rooney visited Muamba in hospital.

"The good news, is he can at least string a few coherent words together...."


Said Fabrice.


Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2012, 03:38 AM
Just heard there's a cure for dyslexia. This is music to my arse.
Title: A Blonde's Year in Review
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2012, 03:42 AM

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing........
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's......
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Title: New England Football Shirt Sponsors
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2012, 03:47 AM
The Football Association today proudly unveiled Total, fcuk and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. ‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they’ve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver.’ The new shirts come in a range of bright ‘easy to spot’ colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in ‘magic invisible ink’ which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate. The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.

However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars. Players say this will make it very hard to pull the shirt off during an over-exuberant goal celebration, but a spokesman for the manufacturers said ’we don’t envisage this being a problem.’

(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/Shirt.jpg)

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on March 27, 2012, 12:05 PM
Keep em' cumin Kiwi!
Title: Blackpool
Post by: Kiwi on March 28, 2012, 02:08 AM
I pity anyone living there. I went there last year, trust me, never again. On a casual stroll out on the seafront, I happened to stumble upon a bloke and a woman having an enormous shouting match which descended into violence - the woman smacking the guy in the head then the guy belting the woman. Next thing a copper turns up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts clouting the guy with his truncheon. Then, cutting a long story short the guy wrestles the truncheon from the copper and starts belting his Mrs AND the copper.

Just to cap it all off this crocodile turns up and nicks all the sausages!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 28, 2012, 02:55 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/VaticanPressRelease.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on March 29, 2012, 12:14 AM
ditto
Title: Camel Story
Post by: Kiwi on March 29, 2012, 02:03 AM
This guy named Joe was going into the desert for a week and he needed a camel for the trip.
Joe was a stranger to the desert but was able to locate a rent-a-camel office, he tells the rent-a-camel man that he will be making a long trip through the desert for one week.
The rent-a-camel man says even his best camel can only go 4 days without water, but after some discussion, the rent-a-camel man says "I don't like to suggest this, but you know a good camel can go an extra 3 days or more if he is bricked."
Joe agrees to take the best camel.
As he leaves the rent-a-camel office, the rent-a-camel man reminds Joe to brick the camel. Not wanting to display his ignorance, Joe doesn't ask about the procedure for bricking the camel.
Well Joe knows that it is a long difficult trip for the camel and lets it eat and drink its fill, he encourages the camel to take on all the water it can by offering it often.
Sure enough 4 days into the trip the camel drops dead.
Poor Joe barely makes it back to town alive and can't wait to confront the rent-a-camel man. "You rented me a dud camel", Joe says, "It died after only 4 days in the desert, and I almost perished with it."
The puzzled rent-a-camel man looks up at Joe and says, "He was my best camel. Did you brick him?" Mad as hell, Joe replies, "Brick him, what the hell do you mean."
The rent-a-camel man explains that when the camel bends over to take water, you take two bricks and slam his gonads, as the camel gasps with his head in the water he takes on another 3 to 4 day supply of water.
"My GOD", Joe says," Doesn't that hurt?" The rent-a-camel man answers ..............

"No! Just keep your thumbs out of the way when you slam the bricks together."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 29, 2012, 02:10 AM
My brother was sacked from his job working on the roads because he had been stealing.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home, I saw all the signs.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 29, 2012, 02:11 AM
Say what you like about tattoos - I went out with this girl once who had a map of the British Isles tattooed all over her back.

Tasteless, maybe: but I always knew where I was with her.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 29, 2012, 02:32 AM
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches ..... his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 29, 2012, 02:45 AM
I was feeling a bit below par so I went to see the Doc.

I told him "I feel as tired and lifeless as a Welsh seaside resort in winter".

"It sounds like you're Rhyl" he replied
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 29, 2012, 02:56 AM
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents, we had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my Dad leaned over and said

"Son, I think this one's a keeper."

"Awww Dad, what makes you say that?"

"She smells of elephant shit."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 29, 2012, 03:05 AM
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day; I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer was Africa!



A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
 


I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"

Next thing I knew, four thousand Muslims friend-ed me!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on March 29, 2012, 11:41 AM
Im sat here crying at your last few jokes Kiwi, and have reposted them of facebook. If I get sacked, I have friends in NZ  :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on March 29, 2012, 10:57 PM
 :) :)Keep them coming Kiwi, we also had one of the best belly laughs this month!!! Loved old Punch & Judy!!! :) :)
Title: Puns for Educated Minds
Post by: Kiwi on March 30, 2012, 02:28 AM
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 30, 2012, 02:29 AM
A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home to meet his parents for the first time.

Introducing his girlfriend he says "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says "It's a f@&@!ng what."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 30, 2012, 02:37 AM

In response to the e-mails concerning my dog ....


(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/smokingdog.gif)


Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, thirty nine gypsies from Dale Farm, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their backsides, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, twenty eight rioters with appeals pending and a Muslim taxi driver.




FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 30, 2012, 02:43 AM
On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK , addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for the UK and Europe At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s**t that it can no longer fly.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 30, 2012, 02:50 AM
a state highways employee stopped at a farm and  talkedto the old farmerhe said i have to inspectyour farm for a possible new road" the old farmer said o.k.but dont go in that field.the highways employee said i have the authority of the state govemment to go wherever i wish on farm land see this card.so the old farmer said o.k. and went back to his farm chores ..later he heard loud screams and saw state employee running and screaming and close behind him was the prize bull madder than a nest full of hornets gaining with every step..so the old farmer called out show him your card..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: pamela on March 30, 2012, 01:20 PM
well you,ve outdone ur self Kiwi, poor budgie !!! ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 04, 2012, 01:23 AM
a m an dressed only in a gown rushes into the hospital waiting room and says to his wife, take me home now: ive changed my mind about the operation.: why? because the nurse said, its a straightforward operation veryeasy. you:l be fine,so stop worrying""she was just trying to reasure you" said the mans wife. she wasn"t talking to me " he said"" he said  she was speaking to the surgeon::
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 09, 2012, 10:30 PM
SMILES  WANTED  ROLL EM IN..  cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 17, 2012, 11:44 PM
A YOUNG MOSQUITO HAD JUST TAKEN HIS VERY FIRST  FLIGHT. SO HOW WAS IT? ASKED HIS FATHER."GREAT" SAID THE LITTLE INSECT "ALL THE PEOPLE WERE CLAPPING FOR ME "
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on April 20, 2012, 05:27 AM
Her name is Samantha and she is a 22-year-old rather dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater aircraft off the coast with just the pilot.

Tragically, he has a sudden heart attack and dies. Frantically, she grabs the radio microphone, presses every button she can see and starts shouting:

''May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!''

And it works! For after just 20 seconds she hears a voice over the radio saying: ''This is Air Traffic Control Ringway, I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've been a pilot for 40 years and we can do this together. Now, take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position.''

The blonde replies: ''I'm 162 centimetres and I'm in the front seat.''

''OK,'' says the voice on the radio, calmly, ''repeat after me: Our Father who art in Heaven …''

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on April 20, 2012, 11:06 AM
Hi
         My mates addicted to brake fluid. He reckons he can stop anytime.  herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 24, 2012, 03:19 AM
Just watched an interesting film about natural metallic sulfide minerals found in and around the Bahamas, Cuba and Jamaica. It was called:






Pyrites of the Caribbean
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 24, 2012, 03:21 AM
Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
1. Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
2. Why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
3. Weren't you a communist at university?
4. Why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you're a lesbian?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
1. Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
2. Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
3. weren't you a communist at university?
4. why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?
5. why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
6. what the hell happened to Stanley?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 24, 2012, 03:21 AM
   
A large passenger jet crashes deep in the Australian Outback.

Several hours later the search party find the still smoldering wreckage on an outback station. The owner of the station greets them whilst sitting on his excavator.

"did you realize this was an RAAF 737?" the head of the party asked.

"yep" was the laconic reply.

"And did you know that the Prime Minister was on board?"

"Yep"

"were there any survivors?"

"Nope, just finished burying them a few minutes ago" the station owner replied.

"So Gillard is dead then?" the head of the search party asked in confirmation.

"Well" the station owner replied, " She kept saying she wasn't, but you know what a liar Julia is"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 24, 2012, 03:24 AM
Chancellor Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Poland:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

...."No, just here for a few days"...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 24, 2012, 03:33 AM
Went to  the funeral of a mate who was killed in a freak tennis accident last week.

Cracking service.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 24, 2012, 03:52 AM
I've got CDO. It's the same as OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order - AS THEY NEED TO BE!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 26, 2012, 07:43 PM
i love that t.v show with all different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. whats it called?? oh yes_ the news.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 26, 2012, 09:50 PM
Finally found the wife's 'G' spot last week, her sister had it.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 27, 2012, 04:35 AM
two elderly couples walking down the street with the ladies a few yards in front of their husbands and one of the men said to his friend you know the wife and i had a lovely meal at this restaurant last night and the cost was very reasonable. what was the name of the place his friend asked? well he said you will have to help me with this its a flower that smells nice and has thorns in its stems oh his friend said that would be a rose thats it he said then shouted to his wife    rose what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night..??   
Title: Poetry
Post by: Kiwi on May 02, 2012, 04:20 AM
These are allegedly entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell!'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Your turn..................
Title: Irish Jokes
Post by: Kiwi on May 02, 2012, 04:27 AM

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on May 02, 2012, 05:19 PM
 ;D Some crackers there Kiwi, all now on my facebook, thanks  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 03, 2012, 03:28 AM
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, " You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K ".

She asks ..... " What does that mean ?"

He said, " Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot ”.

She smiled happily and said ... " Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K ?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down, and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 03, 2012, 03:42 AM
Three bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.





The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.





'First body:

Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.





'Second body:

Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £750,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning hence the smile.'





The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'





'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'


'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.


'He thought he was having his picture taken.'

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 03, 2012, 03:52 AM
A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, The Nurse says "Congratulations, Your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on May 06, 2012, 10:13 AM
I REMEMBER THE CHEESE OF MY CHILDHOOD.

]I remember the cheese of my childhood,
And the Bread that we cut with a knife.
When the children helped with the housework.
And the men went to work not the wife.

The Cheese never needed an ice chest,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The children were seldom unhappy
And the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the Billy (Jug)
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came Hot from the oven
And not from the fridge in the shop.

The kids were a lot more contented
They didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with our marbles and the paddock
And sometimes the Saturday flocks.

I remember the shop on the corner
Where a pen'orth of lollies (toffee) were sold
Do you think I'm too nostalgic
Or is it...I'm just getting old?

I remember when the loo was the dunny (tipp'ler)
And the pan man came in the night
It wasn't the least bit funny
Going out the back with no light

From the newspaper cut into squares
And hung on a peg in the outhouse
It took little to keep us amused.

The clothes were boiled in the copper
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone's Duds.

I remember the slap on my backside
And the taste of the soap if I swore
Annorexia and diets weren't heard of
And we hadn't much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed
We ate what was put on the table
And I think our life was better enjoyed
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 10, 2012, 11:14 PM
Cane Toad Road (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00jyd-p-DiA)

I know, I know, it's a Ford .............................Sorry  ;)
Title: Heffalump Basics and more
Post by: Kiwi on May 10, 2012, 11:26 PM
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a pink elephant?
With a pink elephant gun.
No, twist it's trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

Why Do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping out forest fires!

Why do Elephants have large flat feet?
For stamping out burning ducks!

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?
You can't close the toilet seat.

How many elephants can you fit in a Mini?
4, 2 in the front, 2 in the back.

How do you know if there is an elephant hiding in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 2 elephants hiding in your fridge?
2 sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 3 elephants hiding in your fridge?
3 sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 4 elephants hiding in your fridge?
4 sets of footprints in the butter? No dummy, there's a red Mini parked outside.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in apple trees.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking apples.

I was on a plane the other day and you would NOT believe it.
There were two guys in the row in front of me bitching about the pilot being a woman.
"Jeez, I thought, you sexist, misoginist pigs - it's not like she'll have to reverse the thing is it!"

A man is sitting at the dining room table waiting for his wife to cook his breakfast.
All of a sudden he hears a loud thud and on going in to the kitchen to investigate he finds that his wife has dropped dead in the kitchen.
He goes into a complete panic not knowing what to do - then suddenly remembers that Weatherspoons do an all-day breakfast for £3.95.

Paddy says to Mick: "I found this pen. Is it your's?"
Mick says: "Don't know, give it here." He tries it and says "Yes, it's mine!"
"How did you know", asks Paddy.
"That's my handwriting, says Mick.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on May 11, 2012, 03:39 AM
No matter what goes on in the world, you always bring a great big smile to my face Kiwi!

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 11, 2012, 09:16 PM
the car wont start said the wife to her husband. i think theres water in the carburettor she said.what do you know he said you dont knowwhat a carburettor is. i;m pretty sure thats the problem she said. o.k. he said i;ll take a look wheres the car he said?? in the swimming pool.said she..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 19, 2012, 07:23 PM
a man came home to his wife and said guess what i found a great job 9am start 2pm finish no overtime no weekends and it pays 600 dollars a week.that sounds greatshe said. thats what i thought he said ..you start monday..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 25, 2012, 04:58 AM
 It's a long one but it's worth it  :)
 
There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
 
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
 
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
 
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
 
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
 
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
 
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
 
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
 
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
 
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
 
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
 
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
 
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
 
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
 
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
 
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
 
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
 
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
 
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
 
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
 
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
 
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
 
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
 
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
 
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
 
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
 
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
 
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
 
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
 
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
 
... and what a dive...!
 
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
 
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
 
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
 
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
 
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
 
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
 
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
 
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
 
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
 
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
 
up and up...
 
below him the ship grew smaller...
 
on and on...
 
past a solitary albatross...
 
and still higher...
 
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
 
and on still further...
 
/ till the ocean grew dim...
 
and the earth itself...
 
began to shrink...
 
past our moon...
 
and on...
 
and Mars...
 
and on...
 
higher, and higher...
 
through the asteroid belt...
 
and on and on towards the diving board...
 
past the outer planets, until...
 
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
 
he reached the board.
 
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
 
and then...
 
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped.
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first,
:
but speeding up,
:
:
:
faster, and faster,
:
speeding past Pluto,
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.
 
.
 
.
 
.
 
.
 
 
through the asteroid belt,
 
past Mars,
 
and the moon,
 
faster,
 
and faster,
 
faster - ever faster,
 
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
 
faster, and faster,
 
past the albatross,
 
double-back somersault,
 
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
 
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
 
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
 
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
 
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
 
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
 
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
 
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
 
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
 
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
 
DOWN!
 
DOWN!
 
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
 
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
 
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
 
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
 
STILL DOWN...!
 
DEEPER,
 
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
 
TILL.........
 
SMASH!
 
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
 
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
 
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
 
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
 
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
 
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
 
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."
 
The tramp blushed.
 
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
 
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
 
I'm a just poor tramp...
 
so you must understand...
 
I've been through many a hard ship in my life."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 01, 2012, 04:51 AM
Went down to the local museum this morning, asked them "whats new ?".

Got thrown out.



The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 14, 2012, 02:08 AM
England Vs Sweden will be screened live across the UK on Friday night from 7pm, except in Scotland where they will be showing episodes of 'Wish you were Here.'



Swedish fan Inga Lund is really looking forward to the game.

"30 000 fans chanting my name will be fantastic, though I don't know why they're so keen on me."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 14, 2012, 02:09 AM
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine, but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 26, 2012, 12:46 AM
A Rabbi and a Priest are playing golf together.

The Priest hits the ball, misses the hole, get angry and shouts "Shit I missed!"

The Rabbi tells him  "You should not curse, God wouldn't like it..."

Another hole, another miss, another "Shit I missed!"

Again, the Rabbi " You should not curse, God will punish you."

Suddenly both of them see a meteor in the sky, heading right towards them, hitting the rabbi and killing him stone dead.

The Priest looks up and hears a mighty voice shout .............


"Shit, I missed!"
Title: How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Post by: Kiwi on June 26, 2012, 12:48 AM

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: burlington on June 26, 2012, 12:29 PM
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello
WOMAN: "Hi sweetheart, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: "Yes
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£45,000.
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to
Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the
market. They're asking £780,000 for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £700,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's
what you really want.
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much.
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jules2 on June 26, 2012, 03:13 PM
What did the boy potato say to the girl potato?

(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-PpzwgNkxmmo/T-m_IaorhQI/AAAAAAAAbNI/PV6cV10g7c0/w355-h473-k/P1080533-001.JPG)

(I think I have too much spare time on my hands, I've discovered that I can draw on photos without damaging the originals...having fun.)


I've heard that companies are downsizing but this is ridiculous!

(https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-anZEpovI31s/T-LAL6zamwI/AAAAAAAAbMY/LYQqYxbhyzQ/w752-h473-k/P1050042.JPG)



Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on June 29, 2012, 03:27 PM
The Irish have solved there own fuel problems
They imported 50 million tons of sand from the
Arabs so they can drill for their own oil.

My Mates missus left him last Thursday,
she said she was going for a pint of milk
and never came back.!

I asked him how he was coping and he said,
"Not bad,I've been using that powered stuff."


Two Irish men find a mirrow in the road.
The first picks it up and says,
"Blow me I know this face
but can't put a name to it.!
The second one picks it up an
says, "you daft b----rd its me!"

                                                  Fudge
Title: Old Joke but this time with pictures
Post by: Kiwi on July 11, 2012, 02:00 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/attachment-1.jpg)
Title: Fart Joke
Post by: Kiwi on July 22, 2012, 01:44 AM
Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Shane who says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Shane says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

What's that?'

'Have you FARTED yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on July 31, 2012, 08:13 AM
THROUGH A CHILDS'S MIND.


A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple a blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said. "I'm the new Pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.  "Awwww, bullshit....You don't even know the way to the Post Office.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 31, 2012, 09:50 AM
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.


Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.









This is done by the chip monks.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 31, 2012, 09:52 AM
A man goes to see his doctor and says "Doc I'm not getting full enjoyment from my sex life and I think it would help if my willy was bigger"
The doctor asks "What do you normally drink?"
"Lager" is the reply.

"Oh dear" says the doc "That tends to shrink things, try switching to Guinness"

The man comes back the following week, shakes the doctor's hand and says "Thanks for the advice"

The doc says "You switched to Guinness then?"

"No" says the man "I've put the wife on lager"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on August 02, 2012, 04:07 AM
                                                       A KEEPER.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused
Their best friends lived barely a Wave away
I can see them now
Dad in trousers, work shirt and hat"
And mum in a house dress
lawn mower in one hand and dish cloth in the other
It was the time for fixing things
A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door
The oven door, the hem in a dress, Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy
All that re-fixing, re-heating leftovers, renewing:
I wanted just once to be wasteful? Waste meant affluence. Throwing things
away meant you knew ther'd always be more.
Now, when my mother died, and I was standing in that clear morning light
in the warmth of the hospital room,
I was struck with the pain of learning
That sometimes there just isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away....
So...While we have it, it's best we love it....And care for it.....
And fix it when it's broken....And heal it when it's sick,
This is true - For marriage.. and old cars...
And children who misbehave at times.....
Dogs and cats with bad hips....Sick kids, friends in need,
            aging parents...
     And grandparents.
We keep them because they are worth it,
Because we are worth it,
Some things we keep,
Like a best friend that moved away
Or a classmate we grew up with
There are just some things that make life important,
Like people we know who are special....
And so, we keep them close,
Knowing good relationships are eternal !
And the good we do 'in' them, becomes a part of us, forever.
Good friends are like stars,
You don't always see them
But you know they are always there!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 02, 2012, 05:09 PM
very true danny.  but why is it that some people leave their cars worth thousands of dollers in the driveway and put their junk in the garage?? and why is it you dont ever see the headline psychic wins lottery? and why do doctors call what they do  practice??   cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Albert on August 02, 2012, 06:48 PM
Hi Danny I wish I had your faith eg the last line "But you know they are always there" I lost my wife some time ago and what was
 a warm home is now just a house,yes you can talk to them but never get an answer, enough said Albert
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2012, 04:34 AM
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.

The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on August 03, 2012, 07:11 AM
Hi Albert,
Sorry to hear that you lost your soulmate. Yes, houses are quiet when that special person leaves us. Dont you feel your lovely wifes memories though throughout the house. You sound as though you were very happy and probably shared a lot of love. It has to be still all around you, it is just hard to recapture sometimes. Take care and treasure your lovely memories.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Albert on August 03, 2012, 11:51 AM
Thanks Danny looking back we may have done to much together and had some of our own interests
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on August 09, 2012, 09:47 AM

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long....Easy, boy.

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay. William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy".

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes: stay cool, William.

Impressed, the woman goes out to where  the gradfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as a grandpa.

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I'm William....

The little s*&#t's name is Kevin".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on August 10, 2012, 07:36 AM
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.

There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.
Everytime she came in, she would talk to him
like he was a child.
She would say in a patronizing tone or voice,
"And how are we doing this morning?"or, "Are we ready for a bath?"
or "Are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast,
Old Harold took the apple juice off the tray and put it on his bed stand.
Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went!!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
"My, it seems we are a little cloudy today".

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top,
and drank it down, saying
"Well, I"ll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time"

The Nurse fainted!
DONT MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on August 12, 2012, 09:53 AM
NEWS FLASH FROM THE ENGLISH COASTAL AREA.


The British Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Kent today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British people who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and
therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 18, 2012, 04:01 AM
two blondes walked into a building you would of thought one of them would have seen it..cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 19, 2012, 07:47 PM
wife ok todays friday wheres your pay envelope?? husband i allready spent my pay i bought something for the house. what? what could you buy for the house that cost  800 dollars?? man 10 rounds of drinks.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 19, 2012, 11:05 PM
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 19, 2012, 11:07 PM
Paddy goes into a clock shop and asks the shop keeper if he sells potato clocks.

The shop keeper says "Are you taking the mickey? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks and alarm clocks. Wot the **** is a potato clock?"

Paddy says "I dunno, but I start a new job at nine tomorrow and the wife said I'd better get a potato clock"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on August 21, 2012, 08:14 AM
Nice one Kiwi, I like the dog joke, thats now on my facebook  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 27, 2012, 04:45 PM
has you get older three things happen first your memory goes and i cant remember the other two.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 28, 2012, 03:41 AM
What do you call a three-legged donkey with some dust in his eye?

A winky, wonky donkey.

What do you call a three-legged donkey with some dust in his eye, and a bad case of halitosis?

A stinky, winky, wonky donkey.

What do you call a three-legged donkey with some dust in his eye, and a bad case of halitosis, who likes country and western?

A stinky, winky, honky, wonky donkey.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 28, 2012, 03:50 AM
A NZ'er was hoping to immigrate into Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 30, 2012, 02:39 AM
The wife left a note on the fridge...

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore..!!

Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.........

What the Hell is she talking about...?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 07, 2012, 02:37 AM
the guy said im perfect for you..because im a cross between macho and a sesitive man.. oh she said  a gay trucker..               if at first you dont succeedtry again then quit theres no use being a dam fool about it ..w.c.fields.. cheers
Title: Do not read if offended by 'Culturally Sensitve' Stories...
Post by: Kiwi on September 07, 2012, 04:38 AM
A 'Brother' has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.



A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.



Usain Bolt goes to the golf club and the man at reception says, “Sorry, sir, we don’t allow black people to play here. There’s another club ten minutes down the road that might help.”

“But I’m Usain Bolt!”, he says.

“Alright, then, cleverdick, 3 minutes down the road – now sod off!”



I'm about to take part in the Great Tameside Run. It's not an official race, You just stand in the market and  shout "Allah is a Tosser" and then off we go....
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: daftjack on September 09, 2012, 08:49 AM
hi All, Hi Kiwi, Even out in some god awful desert you make me laugh.


just a thought........

Daftjack
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 25, 2012, 04:07 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/knockknock_zpsfcd1b6be.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 25, 2012, 04:11 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/adyo81.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 25, 2012, 04:12 AM
So the new 'Apple maps' has cities placed miles from where they should be.

Hardly news, Heathrow baggage handlers have been using the app for years now.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 25, 2012, 04:15 AM
An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Ashton have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Audenshaw has written in to Points of view.

When will the madness end?

(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/94719516-satire-and-religion.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 25, 2012, 04:17 AM
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Title: Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Post by: Kiwi on September 25, 2012, 04:22 AM

• Taoism: Shit happens.
• Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
• Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
• Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
• Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
• Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
• Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
• Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
• Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
• Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
• Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
• Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
• Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
• Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
• Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
• Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
• Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
• Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
• Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
• Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
• Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
• Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
• Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
• Creationism: God made all shit.
• Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
• Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
• Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
• Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
• Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
• Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
• Darwinism: This shit was once food.
• Capitalism: That's MY shit.
• Communism: It's everybody's shit.
• Feminism: Men are shit.
• Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
• Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
• Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
• Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
• Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
• Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
• Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
• Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
• Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
• Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
• Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
• Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
• Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
• Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
• Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
• Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
• Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
• Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
• Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
• Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
• Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
• Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
• Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
• Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
• Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
• Atheism: What shit?
• Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
• Nihilism: No shit.
• Narcisism: I am the shit!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 27, 2012, 03:47 AM
My Tax / VAT returns / expenses, and financial projections and affairs are done by a married couple who are midgets.




It's the little things that count...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 01, 2012, 12:27 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/5vony8.jpg)

(Social Media Photo - Ms McSnort)








A leading catwalk model, Mandy McSnort, says that her plastic surgeon, Dr Jose Mannas Guatamarez, is guilty of serious malpractice.






She says Dr Guatamarez left her nipples totally uneven, when he performed a breast augmentation on her recently.






Ms McSnort is extremely unhappy with her appearance, and states she wants nothing less than perfect nipple alignment corrective surgery.







She has contacted a lawyer, and says she is planning to sue Dr Guatamarez, and will file a damages lawsuit in the National Court of Justice in Mexico City.







Dr Guatamarez, in his defence, says he sees nothing wrong with Ms McSnort's breasts.







He is reported to have stated ..... "Hell, they look perfectly normal to me. I can't see what all the fuss is about."





<





<



(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/ebc8b9.jpg)

(Social Media Photo - Dr Guatamarez)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 01, 2012, 12:28 AM
The teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Lil' Johnny jumps up and says, "I wanna’ be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of Johnny, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Tanya? What do you want to be when you grow up?”


"I wanna’ be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"
Title: Health Warning.
Post by: Kiwi on October 01, 2012, 12:29 AM
Never use Viagra if you're also taking an iron supplement.

You'll spend several hours facing north.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 01, 2012, 12:39 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/s4LVQ.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 01, 2012, 03:10 AM
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"



She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bill on October 01, 2012, 07:11 AM
Don't let Dr Guatamarez do your breakfast....


(http://i977.photobucket.com/albums/ae257/12_december/1101-50/1106_zps006f1417.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 01, 2012, 09:23 AM
How's the cholesterol Bill ?  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bill on October 01, 2012, 09:57 AM
(http://i977.photobucket.com/albums/ae257/12_december/1101-50/1107_zpsb6e44afb.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 04, 2012, 03:20 AM
a little 4 year old boy asked his mum why she couldnt drive him to daycare she said i have to breast feed your baby sister why cant gramma do it he said? she said grammother didnt have any milk then what has she in there juice or something he asked.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on October 08, 2012, 12:41 PM
Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 11, 2012, 02:08 AM
A kiwi decided to take a holiday in Australia, he'd drive all over, cross the Nullabor, and finally catch a plane home. He picked up a rental car, and on the way across the Nullabor he found that the car had developed a mechanical problem and he was stranded. At first he remembered the advice he'd been given, to stay with the car, but he'd run out of food, he was running out of water and he began to panic.
He recalled that about a mile before where he now was, he'd seen a thin thread of beaten track heading off from the road and had wondered who lived out here to make it. He believed that this was his only chance of survival, so taking the last of his water he walked back down the road and found the track. He followed that the rest of the day, slept until first light, drank the last of his water, and started off again while it wasn't too hot. By mid-morning he found a little shade, waited until the heat was less and began walking again. Towards sundown he came over a rise and below him he saw a small township.
He was frantic with thirst and he reeled up to the first house. The owner emerged and the kiwi pleaded with him. "I was stranded back there, I'm dying for a drink, give us a whisky will you, mate?"
The elderly man drew himself up in horror. "Sir, this is the township of Mercy, founded by a good and pius man, we do not believe in spirits."
"Then what about a beer, the kiwi begged, "Can you give me a beer?"
The elderly man drew himself up again. "Sir, this is the township of Mercy, founded by a good and pius man, we do not believe in any type of alcohol."
Desperate the kiwi looked around and saw cows grazing down the valley. "What about a drink of milk then?"
The man shook his head. "I'm sorry, there's been a drought and we dried the cows off early."
"Water?"
"I'm sorry, with the drought, the water is quite undrinkable."
"Hang on a minute," the kiwi said. "What do you people drink if there's no alcohol, no milk, and no water?"
"Ah, said the man." Our founder taught us how to manage. We brew a wonderful herbal tea in the pouches of koalas."
The kiwi is desperate by now and he'll try anything. "Okay, give me a glass of this tea."
The old man goes inside, comes out with a large glass of tea, the glass is frosted and the tea is deliciously cold. The kiwi drains the glass to the final drops then spits vigorously several times.
"Geez, mate. You were right, the tea's wonderful, but why of earth don't you strain the fur out of it first..."
And the old man draws himself up indignantly. "Sir! The koala-tea of Mercy is not strained!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 15, 2012, 04:04 AM
An Aussie mate of mine bumped into Rolf Harris whilst shopping yesterday morning. He said: "I remember seeing you doing 'Two little boys' in the seventies.". He replied "$@#! off, that was Jimmy Saville."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 15, 2012, 04:09 AM
I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

... It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it SNOT GREEN with PINK trim.

The City Council told me; Forget it.. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It's the Government I'm afraid of...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 17, 2012, 12:56 AM
paddy phoned easyjet to book a fllight and how many will be flying with you asked the operator paddysaid how the hell do i know its your bloody flight?? cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 17, 2012, 03:58 AM
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham delete it. It’s Spam.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 17, 2012, 03:59 AM
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
Title: Police apology to blind tazer victim...
Post by: Kiwi on October 18, 2012, 03:14 AM
Bet he didn't see that coming.

(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/attachment-5.jpg)

Poor guy, bet he was a bit shocked, he was rushed to hospital but it's alright, he's been discharged  ;)

Speaking on behalf of the police, Inspector Pleb said: "This savage attack demonstrates our absolute commitment to equal opportunities. Blind people have a right to be tazered for no reason too."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 26, 2012, 02:56 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/will.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 26, 2012, 02:58 AM
Advert in the lonely hearts column :

Quote
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me....

If you come home with other girls I'll join in the fun.

Call (011)XXXXXXX and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....





(Over 150 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 29, 2012, 04:10 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/59681_533432333348984_674369711_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 31, 2012, 11:36 PM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/attachment-6.png)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on November 06, 2012, 12:06 AM
i walkedn a pet shop today and there was this beautifill looking parrot sat on the shoulder of a chinese gentleman. where did you get that i said?? down at the immigrationoffice in toronto theres bloody hundreds of them down  there said the parrot...cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on November 06, 2012, 10:35 PM
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta in the UK had not been invented.
Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used for embalming
Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.
Soft drinks were called pop.
Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.
A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking
Bread and jam was a treat.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.
The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.
Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.
Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea... and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
Sweets and confectionery were called toffees.
Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.
Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
The starter was our main meal.
Soup was a main meal.
The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.
Only Heinz made beans, any others were impostors.
Leftovers went in the dog.
Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
Sauce was either brown or red.
Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.
For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.
Frozen food was called ice cream.
Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.
If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.
Calories were mentioned but they had nothing at all to do with food.
The only criteria concerning the food that we ate were ... did we like it and could we afford it.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy so and so's.
Indian restaurants were only found in India ..
A seven course meal had to last a week.
Brunch was not a meal.
Cheese only came in a hard lump.
If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified
A bun was a small cake back then.
A tart was a fruit filled pastry, not a lady of horizontal pleasure.
The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.
Eating outside was called a picnic.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
Offal was only eaten when we could afford it.
Eggs only came fried or boiled.
Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.
Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday - in fact in those days it was compulsory.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.
Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious that they would never catch on.
The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond our realms of comprehension.
The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.
The world had not yet benefited from weird and wonderful things like Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.
We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were just a rumour.
Most soft fruits were seasonal except perhaps at Christmas.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.
Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
We didn't eat Croissants in those days because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them and we didn't know what they were.
We thought that Baguettes were a serious problem the French needed to deal with.
Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging treble for it they would have become a laughing stock
Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.
Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ..
elbows!
 
 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 07, 2012, 12:32 AM
Thanks Vanessa, that's a keeper that is.  ;)

A piece of cold dripping toast with a good shake of salt over it was the food of the gods  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 12:54 AM

Good old Kiwi builder/painter doing some renovations for a lady. She asks him to paint three of her rooms.

Paint this one green she says. OK he says then goes to the front door
and yells GREEN SIDE UP

She then asks him to paint the next room blue. OK he says, and goes to the front door again and yells GREEN SIDE UP again.

Goes back inside, where the lady says she wants the last room painted yellow.

OK he says, and repeats the performance.

Comes back inside and the lady says, much puzzled, What's all this GREEN SIDE UP about then?

Oh . .. .sorry, should have told you . .. I've got a couple of Aussies doing that turfing for you out the front.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 12:55 AM
 I got depressed last night thinking about the economy, various wars, outsourced jobs, savings being eaten, Social Security going belly up, retirement being rather sparse on comfort, mutual funds in the tank, and my wife going through menopause ... so I called the Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.

They asked if I knew how to drive a truck ...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 01:04 AM
Two Pakistani women were talking in the corner shop when one said proudly to the other, "I've only been here in Ashton six months and I can already speak Polish."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 01:14 AM
Saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward innit?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive ba$tard.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 01:17 AM
Was in the Pub the other day and I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.

Answer, throw in your washing.

Well we were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bugger tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”

I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”

“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 01:20 AM
An Arab Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arose.

As he had a rare blood type, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.


Finally a Scotsman was located with a similar blood type and he willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

Immediately after the surgery- to show his appreciation for giving his blood - the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, diamonds & £50,000.

A couple of weeks later the Arab had to go through more corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked, so he phoned the Arab & said: "I thought you would be generous again but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."

"Aye laddie," the Arab replied: " But I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 01:24 AM
An 86-year-old very wealthy man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 01:25 AM
Roll on ten or so years and Beckham Jnr goes for a trial at Man U. Being a chip off the old block he gets signed straight away. The boss says, "As your dad is so respected by the club you can choose which number shirt you want."

Jnr went home and told his dad that because he was so respected the boss had given him the choice of shirt number.

David paused for couple of seconds then said, "Wear four out there Romeo."





Keys...check
Wallet..check
Phone...check

Taxi...................
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 01:31 AM
A woman and a baby are in a doctor's surgery and the doctor is concerned about the baby's weight.
"Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor. The woman replies, "breast". With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts. After pinching her nipples, kneading and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight - you have no milk!"

The woman replies, "I know, I'm his Nan - but I'm glad I brought him."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 13, 2012, 01:35 AM
An Indian chap went to put his wife's death notice in the local paper.
The paper tells him that it costs £1 a word. He only has £4 so he thinks what to put.
Simply putting "Sanjit Patel is dead", they take pity on him and tell him he can have another 4 words for free.
'Thanks' he says, 'can you put in then "Sanjit Patel is dead, Nissan Micra for sale" '.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 20, 2012, 03:31 AM
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counselled his grand daughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The grand daughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 20, 2012, 03:33 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/ronaldbk1.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 20, 2012, 03:35 AM
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 20, 2012, 03:36 AM
Just been to Tesco with the wife, and out of the blue she said "You really are a lazy b@st@rd".

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 21, 2012, 09:01 AM
One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!


Harry was devastated, but after about five minutes of mourning he decided that he must find himself another mate, but since there weren't any
lady eagles available

He'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is......

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out went the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

(scroll down)


NO, The duck didn't say THAT

.... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

I'm a Drake..
and you've made a mistake!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 21, 2012, 09:02 AM
A chap dies and his grieving missus goes to see him in the funeral parlour.

He looks OK, but she decides that she doesn't like the colour of the suit he's wearing.

She asks the undertaker if he can do anything about it.

"I don't like him in that brown suit", she says. "Have you got a blue one?"

"Well it's strange you should ask that," he says. "The gentleman in the next room is wearing a blue suit and I was asked not five minutes ago if I could change it for a brown one. Give me five minutes and I'll sort it out".

A little later she calls back to the funeral parlour, and there is her husband, laid out in a blue suit.

""That's lovely", she says. "I'm so sorry to have caused you such a lot of trouble".

"Oh it was no trouble", says the undertaker.

"I just changed the heads."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 26, 2012, 04:33 AM
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question:

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on November 26, 2012, 11:12 AM
Confucius he say!!!

NZ seems to be the home of contemporary philosophers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 27, 2012, 10:42 PM
A wise and retired gentleman purchased a modest home near a college.

He spent the first few weeks in his new home in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youth and after-school enthusiasm came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a pound if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the gentleman greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50p to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my pension check yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25p. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy 25p!?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for that much, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and quiet.
Title: Wise Old Lady
Post by: Kiwi on November 27, 2012, 10:50 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Old Hill Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 27, 2012, 10:51 PM
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows!"

"Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked his friend.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 27, 2012, 10:57 PM
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, the woman and her young daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.

While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:

Mother: "Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?"

Daughter: "No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?"

Mother: "Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?"

Daughter: "I don't know. We're you embarrassed?"

Mother: "I was very embarrassed. I used some of your Feminine Deodorant Spray this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!"

Daughter: "I don't have any Feminine Deodorant Spray."

Mother: "Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment..."

Granddaughter: "That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 28, 2012, 01:49 AM
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The  interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies,  "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service  before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any  way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there  and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.  Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am – and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"  the interviewer says, "for the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts. There's no point in you coming in for that."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Vanessa on November 28, 2012, 01:50 PM
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
 
Yesterday my  dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
 
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official  voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
 
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
 
12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
 
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
 
And last, but not least:
 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on November 29, 2012, 10:33 PM
christmas is the time when some people want you to forget their past but remember their present..cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on December 02, 2012, 10:20 AM


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..............

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 !! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACV van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

A wife says to her husband, you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening!

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 5c's and 20c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.  I thought to myself, "She's going through the change".

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?/ ?I'm sending a voice mail ya thick sod!.

10 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies. "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountains. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 07, 2012, 12:36 AM
My mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas off the internet.

I asked him which website he saw them on and he said: "Google Earth"!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian bloke just got into the Guinness book of Records for having been concussed 15 times in a week.

He doesn't live far from me - just a stones throw away.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 07, 2012, 12:41 AM
From YouTube, best marriage proposal ever  ;) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYslhL71k1M)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 10, 2012, 03:51 AM
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were just Hovis Witnesses.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 10, 2012, 07:48 PM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/W101186-2T.jpg)

Mrs Kiwi has been giving me hints about what she would like for a Christmas present.
I did an internet search and was surprised at how reasonably priced they were.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 10, 2012, 10:16 PM
Bloke I know fell off his ladder putting up his outside lights and such and swallowed some decorations. He's been off work for a week with tinsellitis.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 07, 2013, 05:12 AM
old george told fred im not 80im merely 28 with 52 years experience""                           i dont drink anymore i can get the same feeling from standig up quickly..cheers kennetho..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on January 07, 2013, 06:57 PM
I'll[/size] never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me........................
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was ubearable................
It seemed to take forever, but eventually there she was standing beside me...........
I gave her a cheeky wink and said........ "Get that trolley over here love, They're doing 3 cartons of bear for the price of 2!
Title: Some of these are quite clever.
Post by: Kiwi on January 11, 2013, 01:24 AM


    I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    When chemists die, they barium.
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, and I can't put it down.
    I did a theatrical performance about puns; it was a play on words.
    They told me I had Type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
    Why were the aboriginals here first? They had reservations.
    Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
    The Energizer bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
    Broken pencils are pointless.
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Now the police have nothing to go on.
    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
    Velcro-- what a ripoff!
    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
    Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
    Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 14, 2013, 03:16 AM
Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy

I really hope she calls him 'Choo Choo'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 14, 2013, 03:27 AM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the footpath.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K!., Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Not everybody pays."
Title: Nursery Chrimes.
Post by: Kiwi on January 14, 2013, 03:36 AM
Mary had a little lamb,
She took it to the shops.
It strayed into the Butchers,
And he cut it up for chops.

Mary had a little lamb,
they lived under a pylon,
she gave it 50,000 volts
and turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
She carries it to school each day
Between two hunks of bread

Mary had a little lamb,
She fed it on cream crackers,
Everytime it dropped a crumb,
She kicked it in the knackers.

Mary had a little lamb.
T'was full of fun and frolicks.
it one day jumped a ten foot wall.
And landed on its head.

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white and whispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now its black and crispy.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ourjud1 on January 14, 2013, 04:43 PM
mary had a little lamb
she also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bear
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 14, 2013, 06:00 PM
and mary had a littly lamb and the docter had a shock.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on January 16, 2013, 06:14 AM
 Hi
      Mary had a little lamb
      It had a sooty foot
      And into Mary's miking can
      It's sooty foot it put
                                             herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 17, 2013, 12:12 AM
A Cheeky little tipple  ;) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Barrettine-Methylated-Spirit-500ml/dp/B002ATI4VG/)

The reviews are hilarious.  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 17, 2013, 12:27 AM
Jack stood on the burning deck
Eating a threepenny Walls
A lump of it slid down his leg
And paralysed his kneecap
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 17, 2013, 11:29 PM
My mate was at the doctors today and the quack told him he had to watch what he eats .......

So he bought a ticket for The Grand National.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 20, 2013, 12:13 PM
                                                          MARRIAGE HUMOUR                                 
Wife;   'What are you doing ?' 

Husband;  Nothing.

Wife;    'Nothing....?  you've been reading  our Marriage Certificate for a hour.

Husband; 'I was looking for the expiry date.' 


Wife; 'Do you want your dinner?'

Husband;   Sure! what are my choices?'

Wife;  'Yes or No.'


A wife asked her husband ,
what do you like most in me,
 My pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied; 'I like your sense of humour'            Fudge


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 21, 2013, 09:38 PM
I HAVE JUST GOT OF THE PHONE
WITH A FRIEND WHO LIVES IN KESWICK
IN THE LAKE DISTRICT.

He said that since early this morning the
snow is nearly waist high high and is
still falling. The temperature is dropping
way below zero and the North wind is
increasing to ner gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through
the kitchen window and just stares
He says that if it gets much worse
he may have to let her in.                                         Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 22, 2013, 12:17 PM
                                                      TESCO'S BURGERS
'
Went into Tesco's cafe yesterday and ordered a Burger 'The waitress said do you want anything 0n it, I said a fiver each way.

Tesco's replied to a customer who had asked wheather they stocked 'Red Rum' by saying they would look  into the issue and get back to him soon'

HSE Confirm that all who ate horseburgers are in a stable condition

Best burgers recipe. Mince meat, garlic powder, paprika, fresh herbs an egg and finely diced Stallion, I mean Scallions.

Betting Chain Paddy Power did'nt waste anytime in exploiting the conroversy either
and quipped; 'Why were they testing DNA in the first place? "Someone found a Jockey's whip
in their 1/4 pounder.     
                                         Fudge           
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 22, 2013, 09:00 PM
An old bloke went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

"I am afraid it's just old age", replied the doctor, "there is nothing we can do about it."

"That can't be" fumed the old fella, "you don't know what you are doing."

"How can you possibly know I am wrong?" countered the doctor.

"Well it's quite obvious," the old guy replied, "my other leg is fine, and it's the exact same age!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 24, 2013, 11:42 AM
                                             TESCO'S BURGERS CONTINUE

Is it only the mini-burgers that contain horse meat?
You know, the horse d'oeuvres.

A burger walks in a bar and says "Pint please".
"I can't hear you"says the barman.
"Sorry"replies the burger,"I'm a little bit horse".

I'm sat here reading the nutrition lable on a pack of burgers from tesco.
They're pretty low in fat but surprisingly high in Shergar,,,,,

Horsey Horsey don't you stop
or you end up in a Tesco shop
Your tail goes swish your wheels go round
Giddy up horsey your're a quarter pound.

Anyone know what I can do with 100 boxes of Tesco burgers I've been saddled with?

Just checked my Tesco Burgers in the fridge.....and they're off!

Prices are going through the hoof in my area.

New kids food found in budget supermarket.........My lidl pony

Had a Tesco burger the other day but it gave me the trots

Tesco scored highly in a recent Gallop Poll

Is it a coincidence that 'hamburgers'is a anagram of Shergars Bum?

                                                                                                                  Fudge                                                                                                           
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 24, 2013, 10:25 PM
Tesco's petrol station is now running a special offer, for every £10 you spend on fuel you get a free pack of burgers, its called....






Wait for it...







ONLY FUELS AND HORSES  :P
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 27, 2013, 09:16 AM
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble started  :-X
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 08, 2013, 08:56 PM
mary and john both in their 60s were in a restaurant celebrating their ruby wedding anniversary, suddenly, a tiny fairyappeared on their table.she said for being such an exemplary married couple for these past 40 years i will grant you each a wish." mary said i want to travel around the world with my husband" the fairy waved her magic wand and poof_and two luxury cruise ship tickets appeared. then john thought for a moment." wellthis is all very romantic he said but an opportunity like this will never come again, im sorry love but i want a wife 30 years younger  than me" the fairy was deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish,with that she waved her magic wand and poof john became 92years old..ta_daa  cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on February 13, 2013, 01:25 PM

A horse walks into a bar.

"You're too late," says the barman, "we're telling jokes about the Pope now!"

"He's right!" answered Richard III.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 14, 2013, 02:43 PM
put a fiver on the whopper dead cert to win by a head. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bill on February 14, 2013, 05:31 PM
Sorry Kennetho, that one's been withdrawn after a drugs test found it contained traces of beef.

(http://i977.photobucket.com/albums/ae257/12_december/1351-00/1364_zps83c2172d.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on February 14, 2013, 05:55 PM

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food."

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 14, 2013, 06:45 PM
thanks bill i will put nmy fiver on unitedto win the cl. at 9--1cheerskennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 23, 2013, 04:44 AM
smiles wanted  apply within. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 25, 2013, 02:51 AM
Just got back from the opticians, told him I could see 7 years into the future, he reckons I've got 2020 vision.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 28, 2013, 03:52 AM
The Vatican are organising a leaving collection for the outgoing Pope.

Donations can be made via Papal.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 14, 2013, 12:26 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/mime-attachment_zps85e7d057.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 14, 2013, 12:28 AM
An Emergency Call Centre worker in Ashton has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."


Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 14, 2013, 12:30 AM
Found this on another forum...

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Title: Religion Sorted
Post by: Kiwi on March 15, 2013, 12:33 AM
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/602132_560086860692686_1167326450_n_zps70335ea8.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 15, 2013, 02:46 AM
Remote Control for Blokes.
(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/cid_1_2699071224web164004_mail_gq1__zpsb307cb1f.jpg)

and for a bit of balance......

(http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz164/Dogsbreath_2009/1537471e420299bab_zpsf7abee5d.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 20, 2013, 12:28 AM
The son of an illegal immigrant asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when the British work and we get all the benefits from it!"
"But Dad, aren't the British people unhappy about that?"
"They sure are son, but that's called 'racism.'"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 20, 2013, 06:04 PM
a plane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically announces if im going to die i want to die feeling like a woman she removes all her clothes and asks is there some one on this plane that is man enough to make me feel like a woman ?? a man stands up removes his shirt and says here iron this ..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 25, 2013, 03:38 AM
An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his hand, due to an accident with a piece of machinery.

The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Tortoise' was?

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb jackass put him up there to begin with."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 26, 2013, 01:06 AM
Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 26, 2013, 01:17 AM
In about 6 months time older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 26, 2013, 03:54 AM
3 cheers for kiwi
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on March 26, 2013, 06:37 PM
Hear Hear  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Albert on March 26, 2013, 09:52 PM
No joke but at 80 years old the Winter fuel payment should go up to £300 but only if you are born before September that's the knock off date, so only 3/4 of 80 years old get the payment,Its not that they, how ever they are don't know your age because on your 80th birthday you get the grand total of 25p per week on your pension big deal.Should I invest it for old age ?   
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 26, 2013, 11:30 PM
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche ...
Title: Complete and Finished
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2013, 12:51 AM
Complete & Finished:

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words. In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.


Here is his answer


The Question:


How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between the two.


Samsundar's Answer:


"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.


And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,


you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2013, 01:01 AM
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ' You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. '

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ' I ' ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex. '

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, ' How could sandals make you a sex freak? '

The Jamaican replied, ' Just try dem on, Mon. '

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: ' You got dem on de wrong feet! '
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2013, 02:06 AM
In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"



Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2013, 02:56 AM
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando , Florida , finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.




They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.




They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.




The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.







So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.




Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for.








She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.




So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.






Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear,











"Can I pay in Euros?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on March 27, 2013, 03:20 PM
In about 6 months time older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
[.......]
No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

Yes, it's easy to scoff at things, but it's been bloody cold here for quite a while now. I have had to have my heating on right through the daytime, which is most unusual for March. I shall be very grateful when I get my (first) Winter Fuel Payment. You can rest assured that it will go towards the cost of my heating bill and not to support any of the things that you suggest.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2013, 11:09 PM
Sorry boss, can't do nuffink about this 'Global Warming'  ;) , far be it from me to scoff when we've got the worst drought in living memory round my way, another nail in the NZ economy  :-\

Weather is what you want, Climate is what you get  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 02, 2013, 01:28 PM
what no smiles for a week??? this will never do cheers kennetho.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Joyce_in_Canada on April 02, 2013, 05:53 PM
Perhaps it's hard to think of "funny" and "smiley" things Kennetho when your brain seems to be "frozen in time".    ;)  My own brain is telling me to be happy and think good things because Spring should be making its appearance, but as I currently look out my window once again I see those little bits of white fluffy stuff coming down (snow) and I just shrivel up and want to go back to sleep!   ;D ;D   The rabbit is nibbling on my tulip leaves keeping some of them down to 1/4" stubs, and each morning everything is once again white and it's supposed to stay that way for at least well into April, so I hope someone in a warmer climate can think of a "happy smile" thing to cheer us up!     ;) ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 02, 2013, 09:14 PM
yes joyce that fluffy little white stuff wont go away just been to the car wash and low and behold the sun was shining untill i was driving home and down came the snowdrops and now were home its stopped again ah well we have to take what comes i guess it could be a hell of a lot worse. keep smiling  ;D :D ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 02, 2013, 09:32 PM
what no smiles for a week??? this will never do cheers kennetho.

Just for Kennetho  ;)

Tommy, a squaddy from Ashton, took a pair of stuffed dogs that he had found one night in a skip outside the local pub to the 'Antiques Roadshow' that was being held in Buxton.

"Oh my goodness!" declared the normally unimpressed taxidermy expert, "This is very rare; to find on the open market one dog produced by the celebrated London taxidermist, Peter Spicer, who operated there in the late 19th century is very rare indeed. But to find a matched pair - that is quite unheard of. Spicer was very well known in Victorian times, he even stuffed things for Queen Victoria!

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"


"Sticks?" our hero asked.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 02, 2013, 09:43 PM
thanks kiwi keep em rolling.cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 02, 2013, 09:59 PM
GMP are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, it's believed the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 02, 2013, 10:47 PM
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie? '





The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears histhroat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'lllove it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back. What happened?'

'I DIED',said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...


'Mixin-me-toasties.'

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 04, 2013, 12:22 AM
Three aspiring psychiatrists from three universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the student from Oxford University ,
'What is the opposite of joy?
''Sadness' said the student.

'And the opposite of depression?' he asked the young lady from Cambridge .
'Elation,' she said.

'And you, sir,' he said to the student from Dublin University ,
'How about the opposite of woe?'
The student replied, 'I believe that would be giddy up.  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 04, 2013, 12:37 AM
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve... 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see......where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?




Mrs Kiwi enjoyed that tremendously.....She's just off to rewrite Genesis.  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 04, 2013, 12:46 AM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem, I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem, I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible..
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter, my parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying 'That' phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison; Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,


'Put the beads away Frank.  Our prayers have been answered!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 04, 2013, 12:54 AM
The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, some chips and a drink.


He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the chips, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his chips a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --















(Continue below - This is great)





















'THE TEETH.'

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 05, 2013, 05:48 PM
john was a single man living with his father and running the family buisness, when he foundout that he would inherit a fortune when his very sick father died. so he decided he would need a wife to help him ,so one day at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautifull woman he had ever seen.he said to her i must look like any ordinary guy but whe my father dies in a matter of weeks i willinherit  200 million dollars. so being quite impressed she asked for his business card. and 3 days later became his stepmother ...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrisandangie on April 05, 2013, 07:47 PM
I hope you don't have copyright on your puns Kiwi, 'cos the parrot and rabbit have gone straight onto my facebook, i'm crying here  ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on April 06, 2013, 09:00 PM
Here are a few tales nicked from another place.....

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window
to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!

IDIOT SIGHTING No2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Garador repair since.
Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

IDIOT SIGHTING No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any more.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)

IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 07, 2013, 05:56 AM
Great stuff Martin, the scary thing is that these people are breeding !!  :'(

Edited to add that some of them also vote  :o
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 08, 2013, 04:43 AM
Korea has just introduced a vegetarian Pot Noodle called Not Poodle.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 08, 2013, 10:57 PM
A misguided guy is driving his family round the Welsh Valleys on holiday, when he passes a "Produce" stall at the side of the road advertising "FRESH PEARS! FRESH PLUMS! FRESH PARACETOMOL!"

Being a London townie, this gave him a bit of a shock, so two hundred yards down the road he went back to see the red-shirted proprietor.

"'Scuse me,my man. I think your sign is a bit orff,  Plums and Pears I can understand, but is Paracetomol really on your list of wares?

"Well, course it is, But! I'm a FARMER,SEE!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 09, 2013, 02:48 AM
The manager of a chemists shop walks in to see a guy leaning heavily against a wall. So he asks the shop assistant , "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The shop assistant says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for a bad cough,  I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The manager says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The shop assistant says, "Oh yeah? take a look at him,  he's too  f***ing scared to cough!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 09, 2013, 04:44 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/Dog.jpg)
Title: Meanwhile at the Abbey
Post by: Kiwi on April 15, 2013, 03:27 AM
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my Lord?"

"Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"

"What word is that?" said his Lordship.

"Aplomb" my Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"

"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."

" I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

" Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs, while plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?"

"You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

That is aplomb!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 15, 2013, 03:33 AM
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Isle of Man ferry checkpoint.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I’ve had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on April 15, 2013, 10:51 AM
Hi
        A penguin walked into a pub and asked the barman 'Has my Dad been in.
        The barman said I don't know .What does he look like
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on April 15, 2013, 02:57 PM
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

Did they ever have problems with an under-used Fiat Cinquecento?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 15, 2013, 09:59 PM
Yep but they solved it when two BMW 750's turned up   ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 15, 2013, 11:19 PM
A novice nun plants seeds in the convent's allotment.

As she stands back to admire her work a flock of crows swoop down and start eating all the seeds. "F*CK OFF, F*CK OFF, F*CK OFF! she screams with rage.

Mother Superior hears the commotion and says, "my child there's no need for all that, just say SHOO, SHOO, SHOO, then they'll f*ck off!".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 17, 2013, 04:37 AM
Fred is thrown out of a bar for flirting with the wrong woman.

Drunk, he staggers across the road but gets knocked down.

The driver stops and runs back to his prostrate body.

"Are you all right?" asks the driver.

"Yes." croaks Fred, not really knowing whether he is or not.

"Why did you cross here?" asks the driver, "don't you know there's a Zebra Crossing just down the road?"

Fred's eyes focus, and he says "Well I hope it's having more luck than I did."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 22, 2013, 09:18 PM
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the had Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They noticed he Blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Frutti."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 29, 2013, 04:55 AM
Dawgs

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 02, 2013, 02:29 PM
come on bill give us a smile cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 03, 2013, 12:13 AM
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Auckland, they have weekly marriage seminars for husbands.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all those years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well-a, I-a tried to treat her nice-a, spend-a da money on her - but what-a worked-a best of all, is - I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you're an inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you're planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe replied, "Well, I gotta nice-a surprise planned! I gonna go pick her up!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 07, 2013, 02:05 AM
Is this Alzheimer's Awareness Week or was it last week ?, I forget.  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 07, 2013, 02:53 AM
I saw the All India Army Karaoke champion perform the other night, he's name is Gerupta Singh.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on May 07, 2013, 05:16 AM
Hi
          All the bees in Australia are going on strike this week for. More Honey and shorter flowers  herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on May 07, 2013, 09:26 AM
Hi
          All the bees in Australia are going on strike this week for. More Honey and shorter flowers  herby

You've got bees in Australia? Send some over here - ours are dying out.

.... and now, here's a weak joke:

Question: Where do bees go to vote?

Answer: In the pollen station.

Boom boom!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 08, 2013, 03:53 AM
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Afro-American, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 08, 2013, 03:56 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/doginbin.jpg) (http://s973.photobucket.com/user/Dogsbreath/media/doginbin.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 08, 2013, 05:09 AM

Question: Where do bees go to vote?

Answer: In the pollen station.

Boom boom!

Where do Bees go in winter ??

Through Dukinfield to Hyde.

Ayethangyewverymuch, I'll be here all week  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on May 08, 2013, 01:47 PM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/doginbin.jpg) (http://s973.photobucket.com/user/Dogsbreath/media/doginbin.jpg.html)

(http://lock13.co.uk/images/dogs.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 13, 2013, 03:09 AM
I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol
We took the A4.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 13, 2013, 03:13 AM
I'm shortly going to up a chain of coffee shops for the under 10s.

It's called Tarbucks.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 17, 2013, 04:56 AM
A Doctor wanted time off to go hunting so he asked his assistant to stand in for him.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 17, 2013, 04:59 AM
A City fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Blue and White top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no City fans in heaven."

"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no City fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the City supporter.

 "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".

"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.

Here's your thirty quid back, now bugger off".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 17, 2013, 05:01 AM
I was in the pub last night minding my own business when this big fat slapper started chatting me up. I asked her, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "Yes I have". I replied "Well you'd better get back in it, before the farmer finds out you've escaped!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on May 17, 2013, 06:45 PM
Was in the phone shop asked the girl behind the counters if i could have a look at her nokia,s ------      she called security
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: joseph on May 22, 2013, 01:22 PM
heard this one from a lady who was doing a ultra sound on my heart yes i do have one lady is in visiting her dr and after a few questions to his blond patient are you sexually active she replies normaly i just lie there ?????????? ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on May 25, 2013, 05:30 AM
heard this one from a lady who was doing a ultra sound on my heart yes i do have one lady is in visiting her dr and after a few questions to his blond patient are you sexually active she replies normaly i just lie there ?????????? ;)

When I get mine done in July I'll ask for a joke too!

Title: The Muslim Way Of Life.
Post by: Kiwi on May 29, 2013, 04:57 AM
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no sh*t Sherlock!....

It's not like it could get much worse !! .





THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in New Zealand.
They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland .
They're happy in Denmark .

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How frikkin dumb can you get?.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 05, 2013, 12:11 AM
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday
for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on
her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
contraceptives.

....
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be
used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
predicament.

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
Title: From the hospitals.....
Post by: Kiwi on June 05, 2013, 12:15 AM
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .... replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair , Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . .. .....' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . ...'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . .. . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on June 05, 2013, 12:59 AM
Those are funny, so it is a pity that it is spoilt by having the names of the medics who supposedly submitted each story. Most of the hospitals mentioned do not exist! I know Bath so knew that there was no St Thomas Hospital there. Maidenhead Royal Hospital does not exist - and Maidenhead is in Berkshire, not Kent!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 05, 2013, 04:22 AM
I'm guessing they were edited following a cut and paste from the US of A, the abbreviation for Kentucky isn't widely known on the UK side of the pond  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on June 05, 2013, 04:42 AM
Hi
     This is true
          When I was Having an operation for bladder cancer I couldn't have anesthetic Because I had emphysema So i had a spinal and the anesthestist said to me, Little prick Mr Cavanagh I said yes, I was at the back of the queue when they were giving them out                               herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 05, 2013, 09:14 AM
I mistook the queue for brains for the one dishing out milk shakes coz I asked for an extra thick one  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 06, 2013, 04:12 PM
the very first one liner..  stand back eve we don't  know how big this thing can get??
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on June 06, 2013, 10:49 PM
I thought the first one-liner was Eve saying: "Is that a snake, or are you just pleased to see me?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 07, 2013, 04:26 AM
A termite walks into a saloon, and asks:

Is the bartender here?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 13, 2013, 04:09 AM
From today’s Telegraph;

"25 tough interview questions. We outline twenty five interview questions you should be prepared to answer."

Some wag in the comments section provided the answers;

The questions:

1. “If you were to win £1m what would you do with the money?”
- Asked at PwC, Associate candidate (Birmingham, England)

Ignore the email its Nigerian 419 spam

2. “What do you think is the most useful function in Excel?”
- Asked at FirstGroup, Business Analyst candidate (London, England)

The little x in the top RH corner

3. “What makes you happy about work on a Friday evening?”
- Asked at Tesco, International Deployment Manager candidate (London, England)

Everyone else has gone home and I can steal the stock

4. “How do you fit a giraffe in a fridge?”
- Asked at UBS, Sales Trading candidate (London, England)

Show it a lion and open the door.

5. “What is it about this job you would least look forward to?”
– Asked at BP, Category Manager candidate (London, England)

Having a ******** like you as my boss.

6. “If you were the Head of Barclays Corporate what would your strategy be with the recent European Crisis?”
– Asked at Barclays, Risk candidate (London, England)

Resign with the usual executive payoff, £10m is fine.

7. “If your friend was seriously injured and you had to get him to a hospital, would you speed and go through a red light?”
– Asked at Barlow Lyde & Gilbert, Trainee Solicitor candidate (London, England)

It depends if I'm late for the pub quiz team.

8. “Would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?”
– Asked at BHP Billiton, Dry Bulk Marketer candidate (London, England)

How many bullets do I get?

9. “Tell me about a time when you failed at something.”
– Asked at Lloyds Banking Group, Analyst candidate (London, England)

Trying to understand what Igonikon Jack is on about

10. “What are the three words that your parents would describe you with?”
– Asked at YO! Sushi, Team Member candidate (London, England)

Our eldest son

11. “What have you done in the past to get out of a tricky situation?”
– Asked at Virgin Atlantic Airways, CSA candidate (Heathrow, England)

Blamed my boss

12. “Why is 99pc not good enough?”
– Asked at Parcelforce Worldwide, Delivery & Collection Manager candidate (Milton Keynes, England)

Political correctness is 100% wrong

13. “How many ways can you get a needle out of a haystack?”
– Asked at Macquarie Bank, Senior Java Developer candidate (London, England)

One giant magnet is all you need

14. “How would you explain Facebook to your Grandma?”
– Asked at Huddle, Sales Executive candidate (London, England)

Both my grandmothers are dead and you've really upset me

15. “If you entered into a room full of people with different interests, what would you do?”
– Asked at Ernst & Young, Actuarial Analyst candidate (London, England)

Tell them about UKIP

16. “What do you mean by ‘leadership’?”
– Asked at Moody’s, Marketing Strategist candidate (London, England)

Stand to attention when I speak; you 'orrible little man

17. “By what criteria do you judge your own performance?”
– Asked at Gatwick Airport, Project Manager candidate (Gatwick, England)

Did I get away with it.

18. “Which football team do you support?”
– Asked at Sky, Reporting Analyst candidate (London, England)

Depends on which pub I'm in.

19. “What is the main thing that gets you out of bed each morning?”
– Asked at Everything Everywhere, Customer Advisor candidate (Royal Leamington Spa, England)

Opening time.

20. “Describe the hardest decision you have faced in the past 12 months.”
– Asked at Accenture, Software Developer candidate (London, England)

Whether to plea bargain and plead guilty.

21. “Who is your biggest hero?”
– Asked at De La Rue, Procurement candidate (Basingstoke, England)

Homer Simpson

22. “Give me an example of your extreme levels of tenacity.”
– Asked at ALDI, Store Manager candidate (Chelmsford, England)

I've sued every single company I've worked for, all 99

23. “In a fight between a lion and a tiger, who would win & why?”
– Asked at Capco, Associate Consultant candidate (London, England)

The Tiger, the lion is busy scaring your giraffe into a fridge

24. “How would your delegates describe you?”
– Asked at Harvey Nichols, Learning & Development Manager candidate (Edinburgh, Scotland)

Godlike

25. “Do you think the quality of our menswear products are as high as our home department products?”
– Asked at Marks & Spencer, Technologist candidate (London, England)

How should I know, I never shop in your lousy stores
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 13, 2013, 04:22 AM
A Lady went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.



Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….






Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 13, 2013, 07:53 PM
this guy met a girl in the pub and told her he could tell what day a woman was born by feeling her boobs she said o.k. go ahead so after about thirty seconds she said well what day was I born?? he said yesterday.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 13, 2013, 09:52 PM
walked in a pub the other night and there was this huge fat girl dancing on a table I said nice legs and with a smile she said you realy think so? most definitely most tables would have collapsed by now..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 14, 2013, 12:13 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/Dickhead.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 14, 2013, 02:30 PM
I  got  caught taking a pee in the local  swimming  pool last week and the dam lifeguard  yelled that loud  I nearly  fell  in. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 20, 2013, 09:50 PM
BUCKWHEAT OF THE LITTLE RASCALS FAME GREW UP AND BECAME A MUSLIM AND CHANGED HIS NAME HE NOW GOES BY KAREEM OF WHEAT..cheers Kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 26, 2013, 03:38 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/attachment-7.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 26, 2013, 04:06 AM
 Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 28, 2013, 07:38 PM
a little boy in the bath looked at his testicles mummy he said are these my brains?? not yet she replied..
Title: Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well.
Post by: Kiwi on July 01, 2013, 11:35 PM
'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.

(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/imagesqtbnANd9GcSwvuq2i7NUrmWVezSvW.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 01, 2013, 11:37 PM
I recently spent an enormous amount on a young registered Black Angus Bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him - but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Title: Re: Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well.
Post by: Ashtonian54 on July 02, 2013, 06:34 AM
'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.

(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/imagesqtbnANd9GcSwvuq2i7NUrmWVezSvW.jpg)

Another gem!  (the joke , not their performance)
Title: Re: Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well.
Post by: Too shy on July 02, 2013, 09:22 AM
'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.

(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/imagesqtbnANd9GcSwvuq2i7NUrmWVezSvW.jpg)

I quite looked forward to seeing this lot on TV on Saturday night. I thought the first two numbers were dreadful so turned to another channel. After about fifteen minutes, or so, I felt the urge to try again (they couldn't really have been that bad, could they?) so went back to them. Sadly, my worst suspicions were confirmed - they really were that bad. They sounded totally under-rehearsed with no stage presence whatsoever. I think this is what happens when artists have been around for so long. Of course, the media loved them. For me, it's a bit like the king's new clothes.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 05, 2013, 03:51 AM
I saw a news article today about Las Vegas being twinned with Essex.

Apparently they're the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on July 05, 2013, 08:53 AM
Hi
        Nice one Kiwi            herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on July 09, 2013, 02:55 AM
I saw a news article today about Las Vegas being twinned with Essex.

Apparently they're the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.


well funny!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 09, 2013, 08:34 PM
how to impress a woman..   love her,kiss her.protect her..listen to her..and support her,.. how to impress a man?? turn up naked bring beer...cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 11, 2013, 02:52 AM
One for the Aussies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=HYuzDabqmbc)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 11, 2013, 02:54 AM
Got a new job playing triangle in a reggae band.
Nothing serious ... I just stand at the back and ting.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 11, 2013, 03:57 AM
whats a ting without a ling?? kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 15, 2013, 12:58 AM
A man came into hospital with swollen balls. The Doctor looked at them and said "Now then how did this happen"?

"I was walking through some long grass and crouched down to tie my shoe lace" says the man "Suddenly a rabbit trap snapped shut on my balls."

"Jesus that must have hurt" says the Doctor."

"Not as much as it did when the chain ran out" says the man.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Jayess on July 17, 2013, 10:50 PM
  mature lady gets pulled over for  speeding... 

Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?
 
Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop:  Can I see your license please?

Older  Woman:  Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one. 

Traffic Cop:  Don't have one?

Older  Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Traffic Cop:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Older  Woman:  I can't do that.

Traffic Cop:  Why not?

Older  Woman:  I stole this car.

Traffic Cop:  Stole it?

Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 

Traffic Cop:  You what!?
Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 






Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please!
The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer  2:  My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.

Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk. 

Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?

Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite  stunned. 

Officer  2:  My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license quizzically. 

Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older  Woman:  Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding,  too. 
Title: Shipwreck
Post by: Kiwi on July 19, 2013, 04:50 AM
On a beautiful deserted tropical island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted)Islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming...

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The 2 Chinese men have set up a chemists, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundry. And have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low, and it isn't raining....

The 2 Irish men have divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few pints of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on July 27, 2013, 09:16 AM
Borrowed from Facebook:

My wonderful girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. Two months ago, I finally proposed to her. There was only one little thing bothering me: Her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes bra-less.

Yesterday, "little" sister called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me we should make love just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is......


Always keep your condoms in your car!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 29, 2013, 03:36 AM
Another one with a moral ...............

The setting for the following narrative is a boom town, somewhere in mountains of Nevada in the 1880's ...

An old woman prospector shuffled into the mining town leading a tired old mule.

The woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat. She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying,
"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No,I never did dance ... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the woman's feet.

The woman prospector - not wanting to get her toe blown off - started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned to go back into the saloon.

The woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the woman's hands, as she quietly asked,
"Son,have you ever licked a mule's butt?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No ma’am... but ... now that you mention it ... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you really are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 29, 2013, 03:37 AM
The local church was robbed last night, they took everything that wasn't nailed down.

At least Jesus was safe.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Too shy on July 30, 2013, 10:35 AM
The local church was robbed last night, they took everything that wasn't nailed down.

At least Jesus was safe.

Nothing to worry about really, Kiwi, as he wasn't even there - his resurrection took place in (abt) 30 AD.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on July 30, 2013, 03:17 PM
The local church was robbed last night, they took everything that wasn't nailed down.

At least Jesus was safe.

Nothing to worry about really, Kiwi, as he wasn't even there - his resurrection took place in (abt) 30 AD.

He was probably there in spirit.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 30, 2013, 08:10 PM
two little brothers one 6 the other 5 talking in their bedroom the 6year old said I think we should start cussing so whe I go for breakfast I will say hell and you could say arse so they both agreed. next morning the 6 year old went down for breakfast when mother asked him what he would like for breakfast he said oh what the hell ill have cheerios.well motherhit him knocked him off his chair and went running up stairs with mother chasing him locked him in his bedroom and told him he would stay there until she let him out,,after all thatcommotion the 5 year old went down for breakfast.well young man what would you like forbreakfast mother asked well he said. you can bet your fat arse I wont ask for cheerios..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 30, 2013, 10:23 PM
The local church was robbed last night, they took everything that wasn't nailed down.

At least Jesus was safe.

Nothing to worry about really, Kiwi, as he wasn't even there - his resurrection took place in (abt) 30 AD.

He was probably there in spirit.

I'm not worried about that, I am however a bit concerned about this. (http://nz.news.yahoo.com/a/-/mp/18241934/the-end-of-death-as-we-know-it/)  There's enough flippin zombies in NZ as it is  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on July 31, 2013, 06:09 AM
Hi
     Rural Australian Computer Terminology
A little bit of Aussie Kulcha.....
 LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.    MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the fire-wood off the Ute.      HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.          WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season .    BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.           CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.  MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.     SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.   MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.         WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.  SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.    YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.       SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.  NETWORK: What you do when you need to
repair the fishing net.    INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they dis-cover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing
.                                                                               herby



-
.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 07, 2013, 02:47 AM
three blondes saw an ad for police recrutes so they went for the interview. right said the detective if you want to be in the police you have to notice lots of detais.the firstgirl was shown a pictureof a man for a couple of seconds and the detective said did you see anything that vwas  different with the man ?? oh yes she said he only has one eye well of course its a profile of his faceyou may leave. next girlgot a quick peek at the picture and was asked the same queston. of course she said he just has one ear oh god he said you can leave.third girlgot a peek and ased the same queston.well she said he wears contac lenses the detective looked up his profile and said he sure does wear them how did you come up with that?? well she said he only has one eye and one ear so he coulnt wear glasses.cheers kennetho                                     
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 16, 2013, 02:39 AM
Police have confirmed that a man has just been arrested in North Yorkshire after falling into a combined harvester whilst trying to steal it.

He is due to be bailed later.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 16, 2013, 02:53 AM
In the 50s, my granddad used to work at a butcher's shop in Drumchapel, Glasgow. One day, after being in the walk-in freezer, he stood with his hands behind his back, by the fire to get a warm. A woman walked in, checks out the display, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?" she asked.

My grandad replied, "Naw, I'm just giein' my haunds a heat."

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 16, 2013, 02:53 AM
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in a white dress.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 22, 2013, 03:52 AM
Family Court Ruling from the Courier Mail, Brisbane, Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 25, 2013, 12:41 AM
three nuns die and go to heaven saint peter meets them and says you have all lived such wonderfull lifes the lord will let yougo back to earthand and let you be anyone you want ..the first nun said I want to be sofy loren and poof off she went the second nun said Madonna and poof off she went the third nun said I want to be sara pipalini saint peter said that name doesn't ring a bell I don't know her..so the nun pulled a newspaper out of her habit and give it to peter. he read it and laughed the said to the nun no no it says the sahara pipelinewas laid by 1400 men in 6 weeks,, cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on September 01, 2013, 03:07 PM
hi a man goes to a fancy dress party with a woman on his back , what have you come as, he said a tortoise , what the woman on your back for ,he said its michelle
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on September 02, 2013, 07:32 PM
two dwarfs go into pub...........
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 02, 2013, 10:42 PM
two blondes walked into a building. you would have thought one of them would have seen it?? cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 03, 2013, 02:44 AM
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in Ashton.

He goes through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big Blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating Blonde jokes!!!

"What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community and reaching my full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against Blondes... all in the name of humor!!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up...

"You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your knee.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 09, 2013, 08:25 PM
we need more
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 09, 2013, 10:28 PM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


OKAY?








































Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....


If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 09, 2013, 10:33 PM
OK, so that last one wasn't really funny ...............  ::)


How do you know if a scouser has been in your back yard?

Your wheelie bin is on bricks.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 09, 2013, 10:35 PM
Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 09, 2013, 10:37 PM
Jimmy and his family lived in one of those areas where their toilet was a wooden hut over a trench.

Jimmy was playing when his father came to him and asked "Jimmy, did you push the toilet hut into the trench? at which Jimmy says "Dad, I can not lie. Yes I did it."

His father gave him one hell of a leathering at which Jimmy says, "But Dad, you told me that when George Washington's son chopped down the cherry tree and admitted it, his father did not punish him, so how come I admit to pushing the hut and you belt me?"

His father looks at him and says, "Yes Jimmy I remember but there is one difference - George Washington's father was not in the ruddy tree at the time!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 09, 2013, 10:47 PM
In the beginning God created Eve and she had 3 breasts. After a month in the garden God comes to visit, "how are things Eve?" he asks. "Its all so beautiful" she replies."everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. Its these 3 breasts. The middle 1 pushes the other 2 out, and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms. They're a real pain." "That's a fair point"replies God,"I'll fix that right away." So God reaches down and removes the middle breast tossing it into the bushes. Another month passes and God once again visits Eve. "Well Eve hows my favourite creation?" he asks. "Just fantastic" she replies " but for 1 small oversight on your part. All the animals have a mate except me." God thinks for moment. "You know Eve you're right! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now lets see...Where did I put that useless t!t?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on September 10, 2013, 10:39 PM
About to drive onto the ferry for Ireland ,when the deck crew say sorry too many passengers in your car can,nt board ,driver says why is that the deck crew man says your car is a Audi Quattro ,Quattro  means 4 you have 5 passengers ,the driver says that's not what it means it,s got 5. Seats so its ok ,no says the deck crew man I think it means only 4 people,the driver says this is stupid I want the captain ,ok says the deck crew man but you,ll have to wait as he's busy with the couple who have a Fiat UNO .
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 11, 2013, 01:17 AM
53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. "We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?"
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, "Forty!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Gerrard says, "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Twelve?"
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "OK then, what is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: George Shaw on September 15, 2013, 05:15 PM
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries in Tesco the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man, I hate this getting older stuff.
Title: Some Old, Some New.
Post by: Kiwi on September 16, 2013, 02:46 AM
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1999 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 16, 2013, 02:48 AM
A recent article in the Manchester Evening News reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued Tameside hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman stated "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 19, 2013, 09:09 PM
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to bugger off."..........
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 27, 2013, 01:23 AM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of North West England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Ashton area of Tameside in 2013, Charlie Entwhistle , a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 27, 2013, 01:27 AM
Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on September 28, 2013, 06:39 AM
Hi Kiwi
              Good one it had me going               herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 30, 2013, 12:54 AM
A man in Ashton walked into the produce section of the local ASDA supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
Title: TENJOOBERRYMUDS
Post by: Kiwi on September 30, 2013, 11:34 PM
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'.

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

The following is a telephone exchange between a guest and the room-service operator at the hotel today......

Room Service : 'Morrin. Roon sirbees.'

Guest : 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

Room Service: ' Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???'

Guest: 'Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?'

Guest: '....What??'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?!?.. Pryed, boyud, poochd?'

Guest: 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled.'

Room Service: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

Guest: 'Crisp will be fine.'

Room Service: 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

Guest: 'What?'

Room Service: 'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

Guest: 'I... Don't think so.'

RoomService: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes???'

Guest: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RoomService: 'Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

Guest: 'Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RoomService: 'We bodder?'

Guest: 'No, just put the bodder on the side.'

RoomService: 'Wad?!?'

Guest: 'I mean butter.... Just put the butter on the side.'

RoomService: 'Copy?'

Guest: 'Excuse me?'

RoomService: 'Copy...tea...meel?'

Guest: 'Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.'

RoomService: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... Rye ??'

Guest: 'Whatever you say.'

Room Service: 'Tenjooberrymuds.'

Guest: 'You're welcome'

Remember I said 'By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TEN JOOBERRY MUDS' '.....and you do, don't you!
Title: Re: TENJOOBERRYMUDS
Post by: Martin on October 01, 2013, 10:29 PM
Practice by reading the following conversation
*Cough*  "Practise..." :)

Quote
Remember I said 'By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TEN JOOBERRY MUDS' '.....and you do, don't you!

Yes, thank you very much, Kiwi.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 04, 2013, 03:42 AM
I am free of all prejudices I hate everyone equally.W.C.FIELDS .cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 09, 2013, 12:53 AM
The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife.



"Have you ever seen Twenty Pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Pound note.

He took the crumpled Twenty Pound note from her .....and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Pound note.

He took the crumpled Fifty Note... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..

"Now" ......she said. "Have you ever seen £30,000 Pounds all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 09, 2013, 12:57 AM
A group of Brits were travelling by tour bus through Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
 
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'
 
 
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 09, 2013, 01:10 AM
This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~


John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
...
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look Frank... there's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 09, 2013, 01:12 AM
Just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond. Looks like frog's porn to me.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on October 09, 2013, 05:50 AM
Ha Ha !!!! thanks
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on October 09, 2013, 09:42 AM
Must try to remember that one Ha ha Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 15, 2013, 03:39 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/faceless.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: sooty on October 17, 2013, 08:45 AM
Judy taught infant,s and  one day she decided to have a art lesson. As she was walking around looking at what the children were drawing ,she stopped at Maria,s desk.Maria was hard at work. Judy asked "What are you drawing  Maria"? " I,m drawing God"! Announced Maria. Judy paused and then said " But Maria nobody knows what God looks like". Without looking up ,Maria replied,"well,they will in a minute when I,ve finished !"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 17, 2013, 10:37 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into Boots, walked up to the chemist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The chemist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The chemist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen!  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife.

The chemist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different.  You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 17, 2013, 10:58 PM
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.  Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that you are going to be OK.  The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.  I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.  "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 22, 2013, 09:10 PM
if fed.x.and ups were to merge would they call it fed up ? is it true that you never learn to swear until you learn to drive ? if 4 out of 5 suffer from diarrhea does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it?? and what happened to preparation a through g ?? cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 27, 2013, 02:23 PM
SMILES WANTED KEEP EM ROLLIN..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 28, 2013, 03:23 AM
Oh alright then  ;)

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Sad news from the nestle factory today, a man was crushed to death when hundreds of boxes of chocolate fell on top of him. he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "THE MILKY BARS ARE ON ME" everyone just cheered.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 28, 2013, 03:25 AM
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked the Iranian said, “I have just one question about what I have seen in America .” The General said, “Well, anything I can do to help.”

The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek.”

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear,


“That’s because it takes place in the future…”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 28, 2013, 04:02 AM
THANKS KIWI.YOU ALWAYSOBLIGE CHEERS
Title: Charm School
Post by: Kiwi on November 03, 2013, 08:10 PM

Two well dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

After a little while Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked , "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

“My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you ??"


The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a F_ _k ?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 12, 2013, 04:19 AM
Joe is going round the supermarket when he has an immense chest pain and collapses.

The store calls 911 and Joe is taken to the Catholic hospital.

After an operation to insert a stent, he eventually regains consciousness and a nun in her habit comes to talk to him.

" Do you have any health insurance to cover this work?"

"No"

"Are you working?"

"No"

"Do you have any relatives who could pay for your treatment?"

"No - my only relative is a spinster who is a nun"


To which the nun replies, somewhat acerbically  "If she is a nun, she is not a spinster - she is a Bride of Christ"



"OK, no problem - send the bill to my brother in law!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 18, 2013, 01:00 AM
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tell the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this
religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.

"We simply can't take that risk".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 18, 2013, 02:44 AM
A Norfolk farmer in his pickup drove to a neighbour’s and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home?”

“No he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”

“No she went to town with Dad.”

“How about your brother Howard? Is he here?”

“No he went with Mum and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment.

“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the dog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 20, 2013, 12:14 AM
My father was born on St George's Day and is called George.

My eldest brother was born on St Patrick's day and is called Patrick.

My youngest brother was born on St Andrew's day and is called Andrew.

Everyone is happy with this arrangement except our sister, Pancake.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on November 21, 2013, 10:02 PM
a preacher was explaining that he must move on to a bigger parish tha would pay him more. theres a hush within the gongregation no one wanted him to leave then joe smith who owns a car dealership stans up and says if the preacher stays he will supply him with a new car every year the gongregation sighs with nrelief and applauds then sam brown an invester stands up and says and I will double his salary if he stays.more applause.then Sadie jones a senior citizen stands and says and if the preacher stays I will give him sex.then there is total silence.the preacher blushing said whatever possessed you to say that??sadies husband was trying to hide with his hand over his face and shaking his head wellsaid Sadie I asked my husband what we could do to help he said scew him..isn't being a senior great lord keep you arm around my shoulder and yourhand over my mouth ..cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 29, 2013, 03:47 AM
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 29, 2013, 03:50 AM
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 29, 2013, 03:53 AM
Frank was Excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said,'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on November 29, 2013, 07:22 PM
he knows nothing and he thinks he knows everything.that points clearly to a political career. g.b.shaw      definition of a politician he is asked to stand. he wants to sit.he is expected to lie. Winston Churchill..  if god wanted us to vote hewould have given us candidates..jay leno.. the problem with political jokes is they get elected henry cate
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 02, 2013, 02:22 AM
So me and a couple of mates rolled out of the club around 2am with thick heads and an attack of the 'munchies'. Off we went to the kebab van. The guy working the van was new, some old geezer done up in seasonal garb; red hat, pants, etc. It was obviously too hot for the jacket, so he had the 'traditional' sweaty vest. I was about to order when I suddenly realised the white beard was real, and the rosy cheeks weren't make-up.
"Santa?" I asked cautiously
"Yep, that's me" he intoned
"But, shouldn't you be up at the Pole getting the prezzies ready"
"I got 'downsized'"
"I don't believe it. What happened?"
"Oh, it started after Amazon took off. I hate those bastards. Suddenly the demand for pressies went right down. Then the EU 'elf 'n' safety crowd turned up and decided my elfs weren't safe; no mandatory 'working at height' training or some such rubbish - apparently the workbenches counted as 'at height' for them. I had to go to the banks for a loan for a new sleigh. The bank collapsed and got taken over by a hedge fund. Then they decided last year that I no longer fit the 'brand image for a new generation', and here I am. Lucky to get this, frankly"
"Wow! Tragic!"
"That's the way the glacier crumbles, I guess. Anyway, what can I get you?"
"Donner, please"
"Sorry, we're out of Donner. Will Dasher do?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on December 02, 2013, 09:04 AM
Another good one how true the words ring Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 06, 2013, 02:39 AM
'Nelson Mandela dies at 95'

Respect where it's due...


That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 11, 2013, 02:16 AM
Roy Rogers comes in from a hard day's work on the ranch.

His boots are all muddy, he's too tuckered out to clean them, and he doesn't want to incur Dale's wrath, so he leaves them on the porch.

The next morning he goes out to clean them, and finds them totally ripped to shreds.

"Dang, Gabby! Those were almost brand new Lucchese Ostrich and Iguana boots. What in tarnation could have happened to them??"

"Waal, Roy, there's been a big ol' mountain lion a-spookin' the horses the last coupla nights. Coulda been him."

Roy saddles Trigger, puts his trusty Model 94 Winchester in the scabbard, and rides off.

Several hours later he comes riding back in.

There's a large dead mountain lion, slung over his saddle horn.

As soon as Gabby sights the mountain lion, he dances around and sings,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Pardon me, Roy! - is that the cat that chewed ya new shoes??"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 11, 2013, 02:20 AM
I was told that Argos have hundreds of new lines, just popped in and saw Nigella in there.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 11, 2013, 02:21 AM
IF ONLY THEY'D HAD A JEWISH MOTHER...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me!
Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"


MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"


BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"


BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 16, 2013, 02:55 AM
I tried to get the autograph of that idiot masquerading as an expert at Nelson Mandela's memorial service.

"That was ******* brilliant," I laughed, handing him a pen. "How long have you been getting away with that?"

"**** off," replied David Cameron!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 18, 2013, 03:36 AM
The doctor just told me I'm colour blind.

It hit me like a bolt from the green.
Title: Officers Fitness Reports
Post by: Kiwi on January 09, 2014, 01:49 AM
The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

-When you see 2 officers talking and one looking bored, he is the other one...

Just to add balance, an army one.....

-This officer was Head Boy at Eton. The school reported that he could pursue any career path he wanted. Unfortunately he chose the Army. His men have detected a religious bent in his character even dubbing him a disciple of Sandhurst. His map reading skills are illusory. His upper body strength might be described if he exhibited any. The only way he could pass A levels is if he ate someone else's certificate.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on January 10, 2014, 03:02 PM
No excuse for poor choice."WOSB" War Office Selection Board.
My 2 years of NSM was eyeopener.Most(not all) regulars,officers and OR in my Corps seemed to be in for the social life.
NSM with way more qualifications were routinely past over from promotions for fear of the upper class being found out of being round pegs in square holes.
Accents and Religious persuasions seemed to be salient factors for exclusion to the officer class.
Title: COSMIC LAWS
Post by: Kiwi on January 15, 2014, 03:27 AM
COSMIC LAWS

Truer words were never spoken.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Bio-Mechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre &Hockey Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --
A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Title: HEADLINES FROM 2030
Post by: Kiwi on January 15, 2014, 03:38 AM

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, "Little India" - formerly known as Australia.

Jersey executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being "different". Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing burqa - "Being a Christian is no excuse" says school. "Sharia law must be enforced."

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese government that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousof claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic countries. No country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation. "Serves them right!" says China.

Castro dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, however President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Global cooling blamed for the Australian (Little India ) citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq .

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to hold responsibility for crime 50-50.

Average height of professional basketball players is now 9ft 7in.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this year’s FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.

Australian PM Vijay Balesthanthran and Opposition Leader Mohamed Iqbal, together in a show of rare agreement, pardon aging ex-PM Gillard from her Carbon Fraud conviction which carries the mandatory death penalty. She will spend the rest of her natural life on solitary confinement listening to recordings her own speeches.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on January 15, 2014, 02:08 PM
many a true word spoken in jest! That being said, we are well on the way,  all that is necessary is the status quo to continue.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 16, 2014, 07:45 PM
what? no smiles today what a blooming pity..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 20, 2014, 03:45 AM
A man went into a filling station shop, walked up to the cashier and said "Can o' BP?"
The cashier looked at him a moment, then replied "Dunno mate, but a fish can fart, 'cos I've seen the bubbles."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 20, 2014, 03:47 AM
Two economists were sitting together at a nudist colony.

One says to the other, "Have you read Marx?"

The other economist says, "Yes .... it's these darned wicker chairs."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 22, 2014, 02:39 AM
C'mon Roy, she's not even cold yet !.

(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/Cropper.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 26, 2014, 01:50 AM
I saw 4 hooligans at Old Trafford playing soccer with a kitten, I was just about to phone the police, then the kitten scored.  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Too shy on January 26, 2014, 03:21 PM
I saw 4 hooligans at Old Trafford playing soccer with a kitten, I was just about to phone the police, then the kitten scored.  ;)

That's reminded me, Kiwi. The police have issued a warning for anyone driving near Old Trafford for the next month that they're likely to pick up three points - everybody else does!

Bum, bum!!





 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 26, 2014, 06:49 PM
correction  loose 3 points..ta daa cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 27, 2014, 10:20 PM
Have heard you can now buy Man United snow ski's, apparently they go downhill really fast  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 27, 2014, 10:31 PM
and go uphill faster  ta daa
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 03, 2014, 04:36 AM
I said to the wife what would you like for Christmas?? she replied oh something with diamonds in  so I bought her a pack of cards ta daa
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 04, 2014, 08:44 AM
I asked for a Mickey Mouse outfit, I now own MUFC  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on February 04, 2014, 01:21 PM
(http://content.screencast.com/users/joecox/folders/Jing/media/ccfc0b6f-864d-49f6-b6ac-07cc55128e66/00000660.png)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on February 04, 2014, 03:05 PM
hi these cut backs are taking a bite they are thinking of closing the first lane of ashton swimming baths
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on February 04, 2014, 04:36 PM
As a life-long Man Utd supporter I find I can laugh at all the jokes that seem to be coming our way. It's quite novel really. I can take comfort in the knowledge that Man City and Chelsea are where they are today for one simple reason - they parachuted in oil-rich sugar daddies. Up to then they hadn't a prayer of winning anything. United will return to the top at some point and I say to all their knockers "Gather your rosebuds while ye may".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 04, 2014, 05:44 PM
yes sir we will rise again just a little blip that's all we will stick to our team through these  tough times we have faith and know we will get over a little set back like this cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: chrism2012 on February 04, 2014, 10:53 PM
United we love! In Moyes we trust!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 05, 2014, 02:17 AM
Perhaps we need a MUFC thread ?  ;)

Meanwhile ........................

Jokes about white sugar are rare.

But jokes about brown sugar - demerara.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 10, 2014, 02:22 AM
more laughs wanted please
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 13, 2014, 12:30 AM
My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.

Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.

"Thank God!" I shouted "Have you come to save us?"

"No," They replied "We're collecting donations for Syria."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 13, 2014, 12:32 AM
UK Border Agency passport control at Heathrow.

"Purpose of your visit sir...?"

"My wife and I are spending 2 weeks holiday in the Lake district."

[PAUSE]

"Welcome to the UK. And hope you enjoy your stay in Somerset."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 13, 2014, 12:36 AM
Wiremu from NZ goes down to the Melbourne wharf looking for work and comes up to the Captain of a fishing boat, and says, 'Hey Capt'n! - got any work for me?'

The Captain gives him a 28 page job application, and says, 'Fill this out and bring it back to me'.
So two days later the Maori brings the form back, duly filled in with the help of 3 Aussie mates, and gives it to the Captain.

The Captain takes a long hard look at it, and says - 'O.K., you're hired, now go on board and start making the boat shipshape'.

Just then, this Sudanese guy comes up to the Captain and says, 'Looka work, needa work.'

The captain tells him, - 'O.K., you're hired.' The Maori is standing right nearby, overhears the conversation, and says to the Captain - 'Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application - and yet you just hired this Sudanese guy, just like that, with no questions asked! - Why?'

The Captain replies, 'Because he's got an honest face'.

The Maori sighs and goes back to work, all upset. A few days later, they're out to sea and the Maori is up in the crow's nest looking for reefs, and the Sudanese guy is down below on deck level, mopping the deck.
Suddenly, this huge wave rears up out of nowhere, and washes the Sudanese guy straight overboard.

The Maori climbs down out of the crow's nest, and walks into the Captain's cabin and says:

'Hey! - Remember when you hired that Sudanese guy, you said he had an honest face?'

The Captain replies, 'Yes?' .....

'Well, the lazy thieving bastard just skived off early from work, and stole your mop as well!!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 13, 2014, 12:37 AM
A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.
Zulu: "Did you kill that lion?"
Pygmy: "Yes, I beat it to death with my club."
Zulu: "You must have a big club."
Pygmy: "Yes, there's about fifty of us."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 14, 2014, 03:09 AM
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh", said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 20th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”





“Sticks”, said Paddy
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 19, 2014, 04:30 AM
A toffee-nosed couple were standing happily in a queue at the Sydney Opera House to attend the ballet. Before they knew it, a rather unpleasant odour permeated the air whereupon the husband turned to the male behind them and said 'Do you realize old chap that you just farted in front of my wife?' Upon regaining his equilibrium, the fellow replied in a very coarse Ocker accent 'I'm sorry mate, but I didn't realize it was her turn!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 21, 2014, 05:14 AM
a woman wearing a sleevless sun dress walked into a bar pointed her fingerto the patrons exposing a big hairy armpit and said is there any man in here that will buy a lady a drink?? all went quiet and ignord her except one little wide owl drunk that shouted give the ballerina a drink the barman poured the drink and she chugged it down she then pointed around again showing her big hairy armpit and asked the same question againgive the ballerina another shouted the drunk.the barman said to the drunk its your busness if you want to buy her a drink but why do you call her a ballerina??well said the drunk anywoman that can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on February 21, 2014, 07:14 AM

it's true SoN
There's no Francis Lee, Colin Bell. Mike Summerbee, Denis Tuart, Rodney Marsh, Peter Barnes no
Maine Rd.
Those were the fun days!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 28, 2014, 03:31 AM
Farting in a lift, that's just wrong on many levels...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 06, 2014, 11:48 PM
The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel, 1 from each of her fighting forces.

She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on operations?

The squaddie says, “I’d reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!”

The matelot says, “I’d reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death !”

The airman says, “I’d reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask……..

“Who the **** has put a tent up in my hotel room?”

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 10, 2014, 09:30 PM
will some one please give us a titter or two ta very much cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ourjud1 on March 10, 2014, 09:54 PM
titter one
titter two
             
                      ourjud1
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 11, 2014, 12:11 AM
oh two titters thankyou  :P
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 13, 2014, 08:21 PM
 :( :P :-[ :-\ :'(
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 18, 2014, 04:03 AM
All the Pistorius jokes in one place


His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?


First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just Don’t Do It.”

Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called Blade Gunner.

If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 18, 2014, 04:04 AM
Just a thought..........

Has anybody checked the hangar at the airport from where MH370 took off from.........fly back in and park up and nobody would notice.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 18, 2014, 04:43 AM
what paddys day and no irish jokes??? cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 18, 2014, 09:32 AM
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

 :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on March 18, 2014, 11:05 AM
All the Pistorius jokes in one place

It's a great opportunity to recycle old Heather Mills jokes!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on March 18, 2014, 11:07 AM
what paddys day and no irish jokes??? cheers kennetho

An enterprising Irishman bought a paper shop ............. but it blew away.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 20, 2014, 03:04 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/Bitch-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ayess on March 20, 2014, 05:15 AM
A little bit late, but the joke is old. Paddy and Mike are at the Labour Exchange (I told you it was an old joke). Paddy sees a card that says "Tree Fellers Wanted'. He turns to Mike and says, "Will you look at that! If Shaun had got his lazy self out off bed we might have got that". Sorry, its the headaches! Ayess
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 26, 2014, 02:35 AM
Please set a password to register.


cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50*******boiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

50*******Boiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

50*******BoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAcce ssImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50*******BoiledCabbagesShovedUpY ourArseIfYou
DontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 26, 2014, 02:36 AM
Many years ago, a group of bikers, all aged 40 discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was decided they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Ashton because the waitresses had big breasts and wore miniskirts.

Ten years later at the age of 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Ashton because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Ashton because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Ashton because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had easy access to the toilets.

Ten years later at the age of 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Ashton because they had never been there before.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 26, 2014, 02:38 AM
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobiles. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day
that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

"I'm on the bog. Please advise."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 26, 2014, 02:39 AM
Boudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, was called to active duty and assigned to a military induction center, where he would brief newly sworn-in young men of the military situation military benefits, emphasizing the SGLI insurance to which they were entitled.

Boudreaux came to the attention of his commanding officer by achieving a 99% sign-up rate for the most expensive SGLI GI: $30.00 per month. The base policy was free.

He snuck into the back of the room during the next presentation.

Boudreaux stood up before the inductees and said,

"If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets yosef killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000.

If you takes out da suppmental insurans, costing only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!


Now, which bunch you tink dey gonna send to Afghanistan first?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on March 26, 2014, 02:37 PM
Please set a password to register.


cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50*******boiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

50*******Boiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

50*******BoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAcce ssImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50*******BoiledCabbagesShovedUpY ourArseIfYou
DontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use!
Been there done that.
I seem to think Yohoooo could be the winner if there was a contest.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on March 27, 2014, 01:23 AM
Seen that a week or so ago. The version I saw didn't have any asterisks in. :P
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2014, 03:11 AM
Did you hear about the blonde who's password was Snowwhiteandthesevendwarves coz it had to contain 8 characters  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ayess on March 28, 2014, 05:55 AM
Old Charlie (aged 92 years) met Milly (aged 90) at the Darby and Joan club, they decided to get married. Prior to the wedding they were in the Chemist. Charlie asked the assistant if they sold walking sticks. 'Yes Sir' said the assistant. 'What about walking frames' asked Charlie. 'Yes Sir" was the reply. 'Do you sell arthritis cream?' asked Charlie. Same reply. "What about incontinence pads?'
'Both male and female' came the reply. Charlie turned to Milly, "We can save ourselves a trip to town love' he said, "we'll leave the bridal registry list here!' Truth, jest you be the judge.  Ayess.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 31, 2014, 05:05 AM
two men just rented a store in a plaza and they set about getting it ready they had a few emty shelves fixed to the wall then they sat downand one fellow said to the othe just watch some one stick their face at the window and shout what are you selling sure enough as he said a little old lady rapped on the window and said what are you selling aqnd right away one guy shouted arse holes the lady replie your doing very well only two left eh ..cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 31, 2014, 10:16 PM
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably golfing with his mates."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 31, 2014, 10:18 PM
A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town. One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you."

Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?"

The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."

"Wait", said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery."

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.

When the robbers counted the money, they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.


Moral :Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 09, 2014, 02:21 AM

An old Italian mafia don is dying and calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Hey, boy - lean in close and you lissin’-a me. I wanna for you to take my chrome-plated .38 revolver, so's you always remember me".

"But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. Howzabout you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin’. Some-a day you gonna runn-a da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a bigg-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Some-a day you gonna come home, and maybe find your wife in bed with another man".

"Whadda you gonna do then? Point-a to your watch, and-a say - Times up!??"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 09, 2014, 11:38 PM
Entrapment (https://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0)  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 18, 2014, 03:09 PM
smiles wanted  titters and belly laughs  welcome.cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on April 18, 2014, 03:30 PM
Is anyone else irritated by the modern nanny-state trend of inserting asterisks for swear words? It really p****s me off.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 22, 2014, 12:48 AM
An old Mother Superior who was living in a convent next to a construction site was horrified by the coarse language of the workers, and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers, and talk with them.

She put her sandwiches in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating their lunches.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the building being constructed, and yelled out - "Anybody up there, know Jesus Christ??"

One of the workers above yelled down, "Nope! - Why?"

The bloke on the ground yelled back, “Because his Mothers here with his lunch!!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on April 22, 2014, 07:02 AM
Love it KIWI!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on April 22, 2014, 10:36 AM
Another good one had me in tucks. Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 22, 2014, 04:27 PM
yes indeed  keep them coming cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 01, 2014, 05:19 PM
NEXT  PLEASE
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 02, 2014, 12:02 AM
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 02, 2014, 12:03 AM
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 02, 2014, 12:06 AM
This made me laugh  :) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_FTAaSjh7qY)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 02, 2014, 12:08 AM
Just bought the latest mobile phone, it was made in Malaysia, put it in 'Flight Mode' and now I can't find the bugger.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 06, 2014, 02:16 AM
Its my Scouse nephews birthday tomorrow.



So as a surprise I've put a tenner in his Mams purse!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 08, 2014, 04:32 AM
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a epresentative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 12, 2014, 01:08 AM
Definition of “repartee”; that which you wish you’d said…
Some one-liners to remember when the right situation comes along;

Groucho Marx (1890-1977):
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

Woody Allen (1 December 1935-):
'Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.'

Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-):
'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

W.C Fields (1880-1946):
'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'

Les Dawson (1931-1993):
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

Spike Milligan (1918-2002):
'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

Gore Vidal (1925-2012):
'Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.'

Bob Newhart (September 5, 1929-):
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Ken Dodd (8 November 1927-):
'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900):
'The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.'

Mark Twain (1835-1910):
'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.'

Joan Rivers (June 8, 1933-):
'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.'

Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-):
'Politics is just show business for ugly people.'

Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1913):
'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.'

Homer Simpson (1987-):
'Trying is the first step towards failure.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 12, 2014, 01:11 AM
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?”

The first piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”.

“That’s no use, Trevor”, said the speech therapist, “Who’s next ?”.

The second raised his hand and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.

“That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ?”

He took a deep breath and eventually blurted out “ London ”.

“Brilliant, Paddy” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said “-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 16, 2014, 02:33 AM
We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the taxi, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! .............She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 16, 2014, 02:35 AM
 My attempt to make the perfect halal sandwich failed, when I made a pig's ear of it.....






My wife keeps complaining about how I sit around on my fat bum all day doing nothing at all and how I only empty the bin once a month.

I don't care though, I love working for the council.





Congratulations to Conchita on winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

The last time an Austrian with amusing facial hair made such a big impression across Europe was in 1939.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 16, 2014, 02:38 AM
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 18, 2014, 09:58 PM
Ironing done.
Hoovering done.
Washing done.
Dusting done.
Kids bathed.
Kids in bed.

Perfect!

Now I can leave the pub.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 18, 2014, 09:58 PM
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 24, 2014, 04:17 AM
 :-* :-[ ::) :o >:(
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 25, 2014, 03:20 PM
when I was growing up my parents let me know who was in charge and it certainly wasn't me..cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 28, 2014, 02:13 PM
charleywas installing a new door when he noticed he was a hindge missing so he asked his wife mary to go to home hardware and purchase one so off she went on arriving there the manager was busy with a customer so mary was looking around when she spotted a lovely bathroom faucet as the manager aproched her she said how much is this faucet he repleyd oh that's gold plated its 500 dollars well that's out of my price range so she then asked for the hindge she wanted I have them in the store room and from the store room he shouted do you wanna screw for the hinge oh no she shouted back but I will for the faucet.never send a woman to the hardware store. cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 30, 2014, 01:39 AM
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies that protocol decrees (gin and tonic with cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said, "You really must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned & introduced to the new CO, who was shocked to see a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, standing less than three feet tall.

The retiring Colonel said "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the boxing Olympics. I have researched the history of … "

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the new CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a twat."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 30, 2014, 01:40 AM
I was feeling right cheesed off this morning, but it didn't last long. Walking down the street I saw an elf emerging from a bookies clutching a wad of money and a great big smile on his face and I thought ' Look, it's a little better...'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 30, 2014, 01:48 AM
An Australian single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery. The papers report there was no survivors and so far 200 bodies have been found.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 03, 2014, 04:27 AM
we might have to call this section kiwis  corner cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 09, 2014, 08:18 PM
if you-r not allowed to drink and drive why do they ask some people for their driving licrnce before they will sell them beer.??? cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 09, 2014, 09:14 PM
jack and jill went up the hill to smoke a bit of leaf jack got high unzipped his fly jill shouted wheres the beaf.cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 10, 2014, 09:40 AM
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
...then get a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
...then get a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
...then get a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
...then get a dog !

If you want someone who never criticises what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..
...then get a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ....
...then get a cat!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 12, 2014, 04:12 AM
My Chinese neighbour called out to me this morning - "Lik Mayall no more??"

"That's correct!", I called back. "We've had self-adhesive stamps for some time now!".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 18, 2014, 04:26 AM
Justin trudeau was touring the country in his chauffer driven limo whe all of a sudden a donkeywalked in front of the car and bam they hit it you better get out and check it said trudeau to the driver so he checked it and said its dead well you were driving so go and tell the farmer so off he went after about an hour the driver returned all ruffled up drunk as a skunk and a big smile on his face what happened said trudeau wellthe farmer opened a bottle of whiskey his wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughtertook me upstairs and made love to me. what did you say to them ??asked trudeau when they answered the door I said I am Justin trudeaus driver and I just killed the jackass..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 22, 2014, 02:50 PM
well afterwatching the world cup we could do with something to put a smile on our face.cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Too shy on June 22, 2014, 07:34 PM
well afterwatching the world cup we could do with something to put a smile on our face.cheers kennetho

Probably copious amounts of draught lager I would think, Kenneth. Either that or they actually award us the trophy because all the other teams were playing ineligible players. Here's to the next time.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 23, 2014, 01:14 AM
heres to the next time ..henry hall used to play that.. I wonder if our winning team as been born yet??? cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 30, 2014, 04:18 AM
where are all the funnies???
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on June 30, 2014, 09:40 AM
Just glad to see some one on the board Meg or Bill not been on hope they are both alright Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Bill on June 30, 2014, 10:19 AM
(http://i977.photobucket.com/albums/ae257/12_december/1251-00/1267_zps1c7a9cd3.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on June 30, 2014, 12:14 PM
Just nice to see you are ok it looks a right mess down that part of Stamford St hope you are soon home and dry Ha ha Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on June 30, 2014, 02:01 PM
Kiwi's probably still around Ashton so that could explain his absence.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 04, 2014, 04:30 AM
Just back from my round the world charabanc ride  :) , tried downloading the official FIFA World Cup app, but it keeps saying it's corrupted!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on July 04, 2014, 10:13 AM
Glad you are back safe and well Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 04, 2014, 09:56 PM
Thanks Fudge, it's a flippin long trip but it was nice to see a bit of sunshine this time around  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Joyce_in_Canada on July 04, 2014, 11:39 PM
Glad you had a nice trip, Kiwi, and the weather was good for you.   Speaking of weather. what is it like now you're back home in your winter time?   Is it very cold or perhaps just kind of mild?  \We're having a little respite from a really hot and humid spell, and now there's Hurricane Arthur headed for the East Coast.  I hope it doesn't do too much damage, preferably none at all!!!


Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ayess on July 05, 2014, 06:11 AM
Joyce, I don't know what the weather is like in 'The Land of the Long White Shroud (sorry Cloud)" aka New Zealand but here in New South Wales and about 120 Kms north of Sydney it is mid winter and the temperature is 20 degrees C. It does get a bit colder during the night, coldest so far this winter has been 6 degrees C. Can't complain can you? Well you can but all you Canucks and Poms would throw things! Keep well. Ayess.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 07, 2014, 01:54 AM
Temperatures in my part of the land of the wrong white crowd usually hover around the mid teens, we've had a few frosty starts but we're past the solstice and into the cooler months for a while now. While I was in the UK last month it was warmer in parts of Kiwiland than it was in Britain with temps in the mid twenties, can't get enough of this global warming coz I hate the cold :-\
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 07, 2014, 02:43 AM
if you wait a few months ayes we could throw some snowballs to you.cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 07, 2014, 03:51 AM
There was still plenty of the white stuff around Vancouver last week  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 11, 2014, 04:57 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/catscan_zps8b95c4db.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on July 11, 2014, 11:12 AM
Nice one Kiwi I have had three scans Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 21, 2014, 04:48 AM
not many smiles this month :-\ :-\ :-\cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 21, 2014, 04:58 AM
Just for Kennetho
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/9ljpld.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 21, 2014, 05:02 AM
thanks kiwi thathit the spot cheers kennetho.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 23, 2014, 03:00 AM
Olef and Sven were fishing on Lake Taupo when Sven pulled out a cigar.  Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Olef, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It"s right here in my tackle box", says Olef.

"Could I see him?"

Olef opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I"m a good friend of your master? Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olef, "Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on July 23, 2014, 10:42 AM
That's a good one Kiwi. I'm trying to imagine what sort of accent the genie had.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 23, 2014, 10:31 PM
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned girl, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on July 24, 2014, 10:14 AM
Another laugh this morning with that one Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 30, 2014, 09:50 PM
tiger woods met stevie wonder in a bar hi stevie said tiger hows the music going im a great fan of you pretty good said stevie hows your golf not bad said tiger I was having a little trouble with my swing but I think I got it fixed now. steve when I have that problem I need to stop playing for a while  and not think about it then next time I play it seems better..great says tiger but how can you golf when you cant see?well I get my caddy to stand in the fairway and call me and play towards his voice the when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green we do the same again how do you putt said tiger well my caddy bends down near the hole and I play towards his voicewoods that's wonderfull whats your handicap steve well actually I'm a scatch golfer oh man said tiger we have to play around sometime.steve said people don't take me seriously so I only play for money and I never play for less than 10.000 dollars a hole tger said that's o.k. I can afford thatwhen would you like to play stevie wonder said pick a night..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on July 31, 2014, 08:51 AM
Brilliant, Ken! Cheers to Kiwi too, wicked sense of humour 😎
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on July 31, 2014, 10:17 AM
This page always cheers me up in a morning Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 31, 2014, 01:44 PM
young man went to the psychiatrist every time I go to bed I think there is some one under it I think I am going crazy just put yourself in my care for one year come in 3 times a week and we will get rid of those fears said the doc. how much do you charge said the man 80 dollars per visithe replied.so the man said I will think about it 6 months later the doc saw the man in the street why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?? well 80 dollars a visit three times a week for a year is an awfull lot of money and the bar tender cured me for 10 dollars. is that so said the docwith a bit ofan attitude and how may I ask how the bartender cured you?? he told me to saw the legs off the bed  nobody under there now...cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on August 01, 2014, 12:20 PM
Ha Ha Ha, loved that KennO
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 01, 2014, 04:54 PM
a group of women were at a seminar on how to sustain a loving relationship with their husbands. the women were asked "how many of you love your husband?' all the women raised their hand then they was asked,"when was the last time you told your husband you loved him? "some women answered today, a few yesterday,and some couln"t remember the women were  then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband "I love you sweetheart.: then they were told to exchange phones  with another person, and to read out aloud the texet messages they had received in response. here are some of the response.      who the hell is this?  are you sick?   yeah I love you too. whats up.  I thought we agreed you would:nt drink during the day?  what now did you crash the car again??  if you don't tell me who this message is for ,someone will die...your mother is coming to stay with us .isn"t she??   cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 01, 2014, 10:26 PM
 If Fifty Shades Of Grey Was Written By A Man.


1. At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

2. Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

3. How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

4. Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

5. As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'

6. Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

7. Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

8. Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

9. She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out

10. She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

11. They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

12. I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

13. Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard

14. 'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?

15. 'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

16. Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.

17. My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

18. 'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

19. 'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

20. As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 04, 2014, 02:46 PM
its not the London bridge.......... its the queen ee bridge that's falling down falling down the queen  ee  bridge is falling down  due to a drunken  driver.. smile no one was killed..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Joyce_in_Canada on August 04, 2014, 04:52 PM
I know this post isn't a "Smile", but that's the Burlington Skyway Bridge on the Queen Elizabeth Way, KennethO.   I know it well as I was around Hamilton when it was built and it took all the traffic and therefore customers away from the popular Burlington Beach Blvd. restaurant that was at the side.   How could anyone attempt to drive a dump truck with a raised bucket over that and not know it wouldn't make it?   At least the driver's been charged with impaired driving.   Not very fond of going over that bridge myself though as it spans Hamilton Harbour and it's a long way down when it's windy and icy!!    It's going to take a long time to repair its overhead structure and so looks like folk travelling to Toronto will have to take another route.   It's a very busy Bridge.   More unnecessary money to be spent!
Okay - that's it from me folks!   ;D   Have a great day with lots of smiles! 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 04, 2014, 05:41 PM
Doreen never liked going over the bridge we would go round the beach blvd quite often...it could of been quite a disaster so lucky it was only the bridge that got damagedand not any people just a sigh of relief.not a smile...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 06, 2014, 02:49 PM
racism is stupid said the panda  I'm black  white  and  Asian ..cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 10, 2014, 05:31 PM
lets have something to smile about cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on August 10, 2014, 06:27 PM
My ex-wife was deaf.  She left me for a deaf friend of mine.  To be honest, I should have seen the signs!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 10, 2014, 07:28 PM
ha ha thanks roll em in folks
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on August 11, 2014, 10:39 AM
Funny Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 14, 2014, 03:35 AM
Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 14, 2014, 03:39 AM
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I belatedly wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 14, 2014, 03:41 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/10526080_694456817286303_3290787636.png)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 18, 2014, 04:58 AM
I know it's aimed at Manc-land but for those who don't live in our part of the world here are some clues to what different words mean here;

1. “Dead.”


What it usually means: No longer alive.

What it means in Manchester: Extremely, e.g., “I was dead chuffed with my exam results.”



2. “Hanging.”


What is usually means: To be suspended from something.

What it means in Manchester: Disgusting, e.g., “That chip butty looks ‘angin.”



3. “Sound.”


What it usually means: Vibrations that travel through the air, noise.

What it means in Manchester: Good/decent.



4. “Cock.”


What it usually means: Cockerel/rooster/male appendage.

What it means in Manchester: Term of affection.



5. “Buzzing.”


What it usually means: A low, continuous humming sound; the noise a bee makes.

What it means in Manchester: Happy/excited.



6. “Dinner.”


What it usually means: A meal you eat in the evening.

What it means in Manchester: Lunch.



7. “Tea.”


What it usually means: Hot drink brewed from tea leaves.

What it means in Manchester: Evening meal.



8. “Supper.”


What it usually means: Evening meal, if you went to private school or think you’re a bit posh.

What it means in Manchester: A piece of toast you eat before bed. Maybe some cheese and crackers if you’ve got some left over from Christmas.



9. “Brew.”


What it usually means: Beer, or the method you use to make it.

What it means in Manchester: A cup of tea.



10. “Our kid.”


What it usually means: Your child.

What it means in Manchester: A sibling or close friend.



11. “Bobbins.”


What it usually means: A cylinder that holds thread or yarn, used in sewing machines.

What it means in Manchester: Rubbish.



12. “Well.”


What it usually means: Good or satisfactory, or a structure created by digging to access water.

What it means in Manchester: Extremely. Typically used with “bad”, e.g., “Those trainers are well bad.”



13. “Proper.”


What it usually means: Something that’s suitable or appropriate, e.g., “The proper tools for the job.”

What it means in Manchester: An intensifier, e.g., “It’s proper chucking it down out there.”



14. “Rain.”


What it usually means: Moisture condensed from the atmosphere that falls visibly in separate drops.

What it means in Manchester: What falls on you every time you step outside.



15. “Drizzle.”


What it usually means: Light rain.

What it means in Manchester: If you put your umbrella up in this you’ll be laughed at.



16. “Spitting.”


What it usually means: Ejecting saliva or water forcibly from your mouth.

What it means in Manchester: That fine rain that soaks you through.



17. “Monsoon.”


What it usually means: A seasonal reversing wind accompanied by heavy rain.

What it means in Manchester: The city is literally under 6 feet of water.



18. “Clear skies.”


What it usually means: A blue, cloudless sky.

What it means in Manchester: A mythical state of weather that you’ve heard about but only ever seen abroad.



19. “Pop.”


What it usually means: Popular music.

What it means in Manchester: Fizzy drink.



20. “Toffees.”


What it usually means: Chewy sweets made my boiling sugar and butter together.

What it means in Manchester: Any kind of sweet.



21. “Mint.”


What it usually means: An aromatic herb used to flavour food and drinks, or a peppermint flavoured sweet.

What it means in Manchester: Good, e.g., “That New Order gig at Jodrell Bank was proper mint.”



22. “Pure.”


What it usually means: Not mixed with any other substance, unadulterated.

What it means in Manchester: Lots or very, e.g., “There were pure people in 5th Ave on Friday.”



23. “Us.”


What it usually means: Used by a speaker to refer to themselves and one or more other people.

What it means in Manchester: Me, e.g., “Make us a brew will you?”



24. “Lamp.”


What it usually means: A light-giving device.

What it means in Manchester: To hit someone.



25. “United.”


What it usually means: Joined together for a common purpose.

What it means in Manchester: The football team that divides the city’s population.



26. “City.”


What it usually means: A large town.

What it means in Manchester: The other football team that divides the city’s population.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on August 18, 2014, 10:21 AM
Hi
       Thes getten most of um reet Kiwi, al meby send thi for a pow on satdy        herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 19, 2014, 03:19 AM
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward innit?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 30, 2014, 12:48 AM
nowt to smile at
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 31, 2014, 03:59 AM
20 years ago we had  johnny cash bob hope and steve jobs now we have no cash nohope and no jobs    don't let kevin bacon die..........if the wife complains that you don't take her anywhere that's exspensive  take her to the petrol station.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on August 31, 2014, 08:41 PM
when I was a kid  my social  network was called   outside...cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 01, 2014, 02:08 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/10320457_10154110370000058_14441917.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 01, 2014, 02:14 AM
Kangaroo walks into a bar, orders a pint of Bitter.

Barman stares at him. Kangaroo again politely orders a pint of Bitter. Barman gets him a pint and asks for five quid.

Kangaroo watches a bit of the football game on TV, then orders another pint. (Thirsty, he was). Barman, still nonplussed, stares at kangaroo and has to be asked again. He delivers another pint.

Upon delivery, he keeps staring at the kangaroo and finally blurts out:

"Five quid." He pauses. "Ya know, we don't get a lot of talking kangaroos in here."

The kangaroo looks him in the eye and says, calmly,

"Given that you charge five quid for a pint of Bitter, and the service is slow, it's not likely you'll see any more, mate."



A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

They set to drinking, and have a great time, laughing and joking.

Eventually, the giraffe keels over, and lies unconscious on the floor.

The man prods it with his foot, gets no response, shrugs, and whistling a cheery tune, walks out of the bar.

The barman emerges a moment later, and chases the man down the street.

'Hey!' he says. 'Ya can't leave that lyin' in my bar!'

'It's not a lion,' says the man. 'It's a giraffe.'



Termite walks into a bar and asks the waitress, "Is the bar tender here?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 06, 2014, 04:31 AM
SMILES ISthelongist word there is   there is a mile between each S..cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ourjud1 on September 06, 2014, 11:23 AM
opening the christmas crackers early this year Kennetho   ;D
                                               
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on September 06, 2014, 02:33 PM
Oh no!!  There's that dreaded word starting with a 'C'  😱
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 07, 2014, 03:20 AM
don't you like crackers ???cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on September 07, 2014, 12:02 PM
Very funny, Ken! You know very well what I mean! Hahaha!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 07, 2014, 02:39 PM
it wouldent be to bad if the stores didn't start it all in august by the time the 25th dec. arrives we have been  brainwashed with it all. cheers  happy September. kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 08, 2014, 04:38 AM
A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Harry.

I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than
you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise
that it won't, ever happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.



A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autocorrectl! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on September 08, 2014, 10:25 AM
Ha ha Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 10, 2014, 11:59 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?.


Two but it’s kind of cramped.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 10, 2014, 11:59 PM
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died last week?

He pasta way.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 11, 2014, 12:05 AM
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Sure, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a sinister looking stranger walks up beside the golfer and whispers, "To sink this putt, would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer casually says, "Sure," - and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "For sure I would really like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." - and makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Before he has a chance to mumble anything, the stranger whispers in the golfer's ear, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies. He makes the eagle and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. You see, I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 11, 2014, 12:07 AM
How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
6) Could I run away ?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Scottish Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 11, 2014, 03:03 AM
A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog.

"Of course not," says the grandfather.

A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question.

"No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?"

The granddaughter replies, "Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 22, 2014, 04:25 AM
any more  please
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 22, 2014, 10:19 AM
The Zimbabwe Cricket Board have just announced that they discovered Ebola in their cricket team,

However, this has not caused any concern since they also found ebatsman and efielda.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 22, 2014, 02:46 PM
thanks  kiwi keep em rolling
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 24, 2014, 09:58 PM
a man in oz just invented a grenade boomerang died today ....
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 26, 2014, 12:13 AM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/BombClass-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 26, 2014, 05:08 AM
 Q: What's the best thing about Switzerland?

A: I dunno, but their flag is a huge plus.



I asked my North Korean friend how things were at home. He said he couldn't complain.



I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He advised me to stop going to those places.



A Buddhist walks into a burger bar and says 'Make me one with everything.'



They all laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on September 26, 2014, 05:09 AM
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on September 27, 2014, 09:18 AM
Thanks for the laugh,just been down with a dead HD and limited Bk'up.
Will  I ever learn!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on September 28, 2014, 09:01 AM
Sounds painful, Jaywit!  Things we suffer to get on t'internet! Cheers. Denise
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 29, 2014, 05:00 AM
a man and wife lying in bed watching t.v. the man had the remote and kept switching from the fishing channel to the porn channel.the wife got mad toke the remote put on the porn channel and saidto her hubby now leave it on the porn. you already know how to fish.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on September 29, 2014, 09:59 PM
two old maids sat on the beach when a streakerran by ,,one of them had a stroke the other couldn't reach.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 05, 2014, 11:19 PM
A woman went to the cinema with her dog and on the way out she was stopped by a man. He said to her " I'm sorry to bother you but I noticed that your dog watched the film all the way through, crying at the right times, hiding during the scary bits and laughing during the funny bits. Don't you find that a bit odd?"
   "Well yes" said the woman "That is odd. He hated the book."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 08, 2014, 11:09 PM
HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'



The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.


The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'


The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'


The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'


The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'


By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..


The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'


The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on October 09, 2014, 08:25 AM
Sat laughing again while having breakfast you and KennethO keep them going Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 16, 2014, 09:35 PM
smiles  belly laughs  chuckles needed cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 17, 2014, 03:33 AM
I've torn out my house alarm system and de-registered from the neighbourhood watch group. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my garden, one in each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre. The local Police, MI5 and other intelligence agencies are now watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 17, 2014, 03:34 AM
It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as
the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a
Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its
jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped
out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist
from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the
man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now -

'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now -

'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London .'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now -

'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on October 17, 2014, 03:35 AM
A friend just returned from a trip to West Africa and now he can't stop buying raffle tickets...

...we are concerned that he may have contracted Tombola.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 17, 2014, 04:28 AM
thanks kiwi keep em rolling cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on October 31, 2014, 05:03 PM
not many funnies coming in  these days
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: dalton on November 01, 2014, 03:00 AM
A recent article in the New Zealand newspaper 'Dominion Post' reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.


A hospital spokesman replied:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on November 01, 2014, 11:16 AM
So funny Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: dalton on November 01, 2014, 10:27 PM
I asked my wife what  she wants for Xmas, she replied "Buy me something that will make me look beautiful".

You should have seen her face when i came home with 24 cans of Stella.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 04, 2014, 02:17 AM
 The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. ...'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...

'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all frikkin same!!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 04, 2014, 02:18 AM
One day at the butcher's, sitting quietly in the queue to be served was a big dog. The butcher went to shoo him out, but the dog refused to go, just moving a place as every customer in front was served. Then the butcher saw that the dog had a bag around his neck, with a note sticking out. It got to the dog's turn to be served, and the note said '4 lamb chops, 2 pork chops and a pound of mince, please', and enclosed was a twenty pound note. So the butcher made up the order and hung the bag around the dog's neck, expecting him to go. The dog said 'WOOOFF' and stood up on his bag legs: the butcher then took the change that he was hoping to keep and put it in the bag and the dog trotted out of the shop.

Intrigued, the butcher left the shop to his assistant to run, got his van and followed as the dog went to the 'bus stop, got up on his back paws and read the timetable, and sat there until a certain number bus appeared. He got on the bus, offering the bag to the driver who looked at the note that had the desired stop, took his fare, and the dog sat there as the bus went through the country and the butcher followed. Eventually the dog got up, put a big paw on the bell and the 'bus stopped at the 'bus stop. The dog got off the bus, carefully crossed the road and went up the drive to this house.

The dog stood on his back legs and pressed the door bell. No response. Then he did it again, and still no response. Then he banged the door knocker and kept doing this until the door was flung open and a big man stood there, swearing at the dog for being a useless stupid animal. The butcher has watched all this and he intervened.

'This dog is not stupid, he came and bought the meat, insisted on getting the change, got on the bus and came here. How can you say he's stupid?'

'Easy' said the man, 'That's the third time this week the stupid bast*rd has forgotten his key!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on November 04, 2014, 10:50 AM
Both of them cheered me up Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 06, 2014, 09:09 AM
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On the Bridge of Sighs, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.

As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first, sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvellous dinner but that it was time to head back home and leave lovely Italy. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realised that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang.......

........Wait for it

......it's really bad

......no, it's really really bad

"Drained wops keep fallin' on my head."


Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on November 06, 2014, 11:28 AM
Keep them coming Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on November 12, 2014, 12:04 PM
hi a man goes to the doctors , the doctor say what can i do for you , the man said i have a strawberry growing out of my head , the doctor said dont worry i have got some cream for that   :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 12, 2014, 09:47 PM
The telephone company needed to hire four more telephone pole installers and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen. So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out.
At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said it was tough going but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came back in, totally exhausted.
"Well, how many poles did you guys install?" said the boss
Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in. "
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but did ya see how much they left sticking out of the ground.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 12, 2014, 09:47 PM
Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty.

When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once.

She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on November 15, 2014, 03:55 PM
hi where do pirates shop ?  aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgos   :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 17, 2014, 09:40 PM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he had seriously hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird mustered all his courage and quietly but politely inquired of John,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on November 21, 2014, 06:25 AM
 :) :)Loved it KIWI
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on November 24, 2014, 11:21 PM
The Post Tortoise

This pretty well sums up the Politicians of today!
An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his hand, due to an accident with a piece of machinery.
The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Tortoise' was?
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."


.........Best explanation I've heard yet !!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on November 25, 2014, 12:02 AM
oh that's a great one kiwi cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on November 25, 2014, 11:19 AM
Ha Ha It sums them all up Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on November 25, 2014, 11:38 AM
Hi

       Start a new game  Change one letter in a word and make it a different meaning i/e

       Innuendo a subtle reference      Innurendo  An Italian suppository                           herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on November 30, 2014, 06:40 PM
smiles belly laughs and titters wanted before santa gets here ..cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on December 04, 2014, 05:52 AM
a man walked in the psychiatrist wearing only a pair of see through underpants the shrink said well I can realy see your nuts.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Martin on December 05, 2014, 01:28 AM
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the bin."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a big box of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh SHIT."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on December 05, 2014, 12:49 PM
Kiwi yes,Martin!!!?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 07, 2014, 05:24 AM
Continuing the religious theme ....

 A Vicar of a small village congregation lost his bike, and was convinced it had been stolen. Moreover, in a small, isolated community he felt sure the thief was one of his flock.

He considered making an announcement from the the pulpit, but his Curate urged a little more subtlety.

"Why not make the text of your next Sermon the 10 Commandments, then when you get to No 8*, scan the faces of the congregation for embarrssed and guilty looks."

The Vicar thinks this a good idea, and repairs to his study to write the Sermon.

Come Sunday, the Sermon is on a completely different text - which confuses the Curate. After the Service, Curate asks Vicar why.

"Quite simple. On drafting the Sermon, when I got to No 7*, I remembered where I'd left my bike!!"








* For the heathens amongst us:

No 8 - Thou shalt not steal
No 7 - Thou shalt not commit adultery
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 07, 2014, 05:28 AM
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.

"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 07, 2014, 05:28 AM
In a survey for a leading toiletries firm,(Brut), 85% of inner city residents in Liverpool and Manchester said that they have had sex in the shower.


The other 15% said that they hadn't been to prison ..... Yet !
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 10, 2014, 09:02 PM
Home milk deliveries still happen in some areas we have been told, but the ‘older brigade’ will no doubt recall both milk and bread had regular home
deliveries.
Enjoy,here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles....

**Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

**Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

**Cancel one pint after the day after today.

** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

**Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

**Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

**Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

**When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

**Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

**My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

**Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

**From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

**My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

**Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday..

**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don't leave any milk.

**No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 10, 2014, 09:03 PM
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.

I rang up BT. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

The other day I bought a packet of peanuts and on the packet it said 'may contain nuts'. Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I didn't know they worked.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on December 15, 2014, 06:36 AM
a policeman on horseback stopped in the street next to a young boyon his bike.. did santa give you the bike he asked yes he did said the boy well next time tell santa it should have a rearlight and give the kid a tcket for 20 pound well said the boy did santa give youthe horse?? oh yes said the cop. well next time tell him the dick should be under the horse not on top..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 17, 2014, 09:18 AM

Two members of the theatrical profession meet after the marriage of one of them. The unmarried one says archly "and how was your wedding night, ducky ?"

The other responds "three performances and a rehearsal".

"Hmmmm" says the first one " what's a rehearsal ?"

"Oh" says the other, "basically the same as a performance, but nobody comes".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on December 21, 2014, 01:24 AM
keep them laughing..oh oh oh
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 22, 2014, 09:02 PM
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.?


Off we went to our local pub, which is only a short distance from our home.
I first had him try a pint of Guinness draught. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I had him try a pint of Harp lager, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with Smithwicks ale, Kilkenny Irish Cream Ale and several stouts.
We then got down to Irish whiskey. Again he didn't care for eiither Jameson, Bushmills or Tallamore Dew.


When we left the pub I could hardly push his buggy back home.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 22, 2014, 09:03 PM
I phoned my wife earlier.

"I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence.


I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 22, 2014, 09:05 PM
A fine Investment in Art

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $20 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on December 23, 2014, 05:37 AM
your a bloody riot kiwi pardon my French cheers have a great Christmas.kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on December 23, 2014, 02:08 PM
I don't know were you find them Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on December 23, 2014, 05:55 PM
well they arnt out of the Christmas crackers that's for sure..cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 28, 2014, 05:42 AM
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

" I'm sorry, St Peter said; " But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool" said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of ?"

" Just three questions" said St Peter.

" Which are?" asked the Blonde.

" The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

The second is " How many seconds are there in a year ?"

The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

" Now," said St Peter, " Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought


The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, " I have."

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

" Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions" St Peter went on, " how many seconds in a year ?"

The Blonde replied, " Twelve !"

" Only twelve" exclaimed St Peter, " How did you arrive at that figure ?"
" Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, " I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision & the context in which it was given." And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. " I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?"

The blonde replied: " Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
" Really !" exclaimed St Peter, " And what is the answer ?"
" It's Andy."
" Andy ??"
" Yes, Andy," said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?"

" Easy " said the Blonde, " Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on December 28, 2014, 05:42 AM
SNOW

The only thing that settles in the UK and does not claim benefits!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on December 28, 2014, 10:40 AM
You are right there Kiwi but the trouble is more claim benifits than we get snow settling Ha ha Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 02, 2015, 11:24 PM
new year  needs some laughs.ha ha.ho ho .he he.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 03, 2015, 02:24 AM
What's the difference between God and Bono ?


God doesn't think that he's Bono.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 03, 2015, 02:32 AM
Some from Les Dawson :

I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'

I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire.

She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark.

Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.'

I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I don't have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic.

No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain.

I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.'

He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops.

A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.

People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. I

wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply.

I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?

There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police.

I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?'

I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope.

Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own.

I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.'

I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. When he gives you an injection you have to bite on a bullet.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 03, 2015, 02:49 AM
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 03, 2015, 02:53 AM
    A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while, what happened ? You look terrible.'

    'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

    'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

    'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

    'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

    'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

    'What about that eye patch?'

    'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them cr@pped in my eye.'

    'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'

    'Well, it was my first day with the hook.'
     

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 03, 2015, 02:55 AM
Same pirate goes to the doctor.
"I have some moles on me back, matey," he said. "I'd be obliged if ye'd take a look at them.
The doctor studies the moles for a while. "It's alright, he says, "they're benign."
"Ye need to have a better look," said the pirate. "There be twelve, at least."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 03, 2015, 11:50 AM
As usual you had me laughting away this morning Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 06, 2015, 09:14 PM
A little aussie poem.

Poor old Gran' Dad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable had to have his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite with no trace,
Of red backs quietly creeping and death from outer space!

No-one had a clue at all, the Judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death!'

'This 'ere 'exploration mob' had been lookin' at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - and never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Gran'Dad would pass away that night!
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Gran'Dad didn't know
The dunny was re-located, when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Gran'Dad did his dash?

Well, he always used to hold his breath........
Until he heard the splash!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 07, 2015, 05:24 PM
one day when daddy was putting his 3year old daughter to bed she said her prayers that went god bless mammy god bless daddy god bless grandma and bye bye granddad dad said why did you say bye bye granddad??don't know she said just seemed the right thing to say the next day granddad died just a coincident dad thought afew weeks later when putting his daughter to bed her prayers went god bless mammy god bless daddy and bye bye grandma. the next day grandma died holy smoke said dad this child is intouch with the other side.. weeks later as she said her prayers it was god blessmammy and bye bye daddy well he nearly had a stroke but went to bed couldn't sleep properly woke up early went to the office allnerves drinking coffee stayed very late went home the wife said are you alright you have never worked that late before oh he said ive had one hell of a lousy day you have she said listen to my lousy day went into a meeting and my boss dropped dead with a heart attack..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 08, 2015, 03:25 AM
Dear Benefits Person at Centrelink,

My name is Bill and I live in Hobart, and I would like to place before you the following situation:

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my stepdaughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my stepdaughter legally became my stepmother and my father my son-in-law.
My father's wife (also my stepdaughter) and my stepmother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my stepdaughter's wife.
This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the stepson of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my stepmother's brother, and through my stepmother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above-mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my stepmother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours.

Bill
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 12, 2015, 10:03 PM
four days without a laugh and the weather doesn't give us much to smile about ..cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 12, 2015, 10:41 PM
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?


Dubai doesn't show the Flintstones on telly but Abu Dhabi do.



Nowt wrong with the weather on Planet Kiwi, now remind me again why I moved here and not Canoodia  ;) No floods, no snowstorms, no bushfires and the last terrorist act committed on NZ soil was when the French blew up the Greenpeace boat in Auckland Harbour  ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on January 12, 2015, 11:32 PM
and not Canoodia!!!
spellcheck please.
O'yy lykit
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ayess on January 13, 2015, 05:32 AM
Well Canoodia sounds better than our Prime Minister (Tony Abbot)'s attempt to pronounce it. Sounded more like a yeast infection. Can't trust some folks. Ayess
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 14, 2015, 09:41 PM
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a lighted firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Poland, the Ukraine, Newfoundland and parts of Australia.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 15, 2015, 03:55 AM
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease and do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on January 15, 2015, 01:30 PM
I needed that Kiwi
I would think that after a bit of tonsil varnish you would be the life and soul of any place.
I leave Mon for UK(AUL,Leeds) for tooo long. 30 days!
I hope the weather cooperates.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 15, 2015, 11:17 PM
At least it should be a tad warmer  ;) Did I tell you I ended up in Canada last year ?, it was due to a One World Alliance stuff up where British Airways and Virgin Atlantic in the UK couldn't issue me with a boarding pass for my homebound  Air New Zealand flight out of Vancouver so I had to go through Canoodian immigration and customs and enter Canada, then walk through the arrivals lounge and back into the departure area and check in again  :-[ Made the best of a bad job coz I actually went outside the terminal building and stood on Canoodian soil (concrete really) for a few seconds before heading back inside and psyching myself up for another 14 hours of cattle class  :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on January 16, 2015, 07:06 PM
I hope they didn't charge you an airport fee.It's turned into a cash cow.
Can be one of the unexpected charges that jobsworth establishment public servants come up with.
Supposed to be help for the renovations which I think was completed at least 10 years ago
Only 2 certainties in life, death and taxes.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 22, 2015, 03:28 AM
A refuse collector in Brisbane, Australia, is driving along a street picking
up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit
of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of
his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There’s no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where’s ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.

"No ! No ! Mate, Where’s your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!’’ says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector with added emphasis, "You’re misunderstanding
me. Where’s your ’wheelie’ bin?’"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collectors ear

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife’s sista!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on January 26, 2015, 11:04 PM
knock  knock  anybody home
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 27, 2015, 08:31 AM
 Do you know Little Larry?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 27, 2015, 08:32 AM
A Midget who was a psychic fell on hard times, began robbing stores, was apprehended but later escaped.

Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 27, 2015, 11:07 AM
So Little to go on Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 27, 2015, 09:53 PM
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says..

"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland".

The other woman responds proudly, "Yes, sure I am!".

The first one says, "So am I! And whereabouts I Ireland are ya from?"

The other woman answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first one responds, "So am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other woman says, "A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town."

The first one says, "Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! And what school did ya go to?"

The other woman answers, "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.."

The first one gets really excited and says, "And so did I!. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other woman answers, "Well now, let's see.. Ah yes, it was 1994, it was."

The first woman exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1994 meself!"

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Michael asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

Brian answers, "The Murphy twins are pissed again".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 27, 2015, 09:53 PM
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 27, 2015, 09:54 PM
I'm reading a book about weightlessness - I can't put it down!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on January 27, 2015, 09:56 PM
A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "Let me guess, the funeral director ?."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on January 28, 2015, 11:53 AM
The 4 jokes had me in tucks again Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 01, 2015, 11:02 PM
three cheers for kiwi
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 02, 2015, 01:16 AM
Did you hear about the 2 guys in court for stealing a calendar?

They got six months each.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 02, 2015, 01:17 AM
I'm reading a book titled Shipbuilding 1900 to 1950. It's riveting.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: ayess on February 02, 2015, 06:31 AM
At least it should be a tad warmer  ;) Did I tell you I ended up in Canada last year ?, it was due to a One World Alliance stuff up where British Airways and Virgin Atlantic in the UK couldn't issue me with a boarding pass for my homebound  Air New Zealand flight out of Vancouver so I had to go through Canoodian immigration and customs and enter Canada, then walk through the arrivals lounge and back into the departure area and check in again  :-[ Made the best of a bad job coz I actually went outside the terminal building and stood on Canoodian soil (concrete really) for a few seconds before heading back inside and psyching myself up for another 14 hours of cattle class  :)

My daughter and I had a similar experience returning from UK to Oz by British Airways. The plane from Manchester to London was a no-show. We and about 20 other through passengers were put on the next available flight to London. As we had already cleared immigration we had to re-enter the UK when we arrived in London. The Asiatic looking lady behind the counter couldn't understand when I asked her when did Lancashire cede from the UK. Anyway BA put us up at one of the slap-up hotels at Heathrow, dinner, breakfast and lunch and put us onto a Virgin Atlantic flight to Hong Kong and onto Sydney. Made a change from Bangkok  or Abu Dahbi. Ayess
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: greeny on February 09, 2015, 03:38 PM
school teacher in her class of 5 year olds ,when one of the children pipes up my mummy is called sue ,very good says the teacher ,then all the other kids take there turn giving there mothers name , but one little lad in the corner does not say a thing , the teacher ask him what do you call your mum , he replies mummy , the teacher say she as another name besides mummy ,  no the lad says its mummy , the teacher says  she as another name than mummy what name does daddy call her , the little lad pauses and say daddy calls mummy fat cow   :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 09, 2015, 11:26 PM
it was fri 13 freds nagging wife packed her bag and left him so fred said sod it I will celibrate and buy myself a brand new b.m.w so offhe went got his car and decided to go out for a spin. so he is speeding along over the limit when he saw the flashing blue lights on his tailso he put his clog down and the cop was still on his tail so fred thought what the hell I might as well pull over and get the ticket.. so the cop checked his licence owner ship ect.and said look man ive had one lousy day and its fri 13and I am at the end of my shift. if you can give me any good excuse for driving like a bat out of hell that I haven't heard before and save me the extra paper work I could let you off.. well said fred my wife left me today and took of with a policeman and when I saw your car behind me I thought you were returning her..so the cop shook his hand and said have a nice day fred
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 11, 2015, 10:15 PM
A man died today after being attacked by a big cat in a circus.
It's understood he had under lion health problems.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."

So they want to make a United States of Europe to save the Euro, with Germany in charge.
What a brilliant plan! Why did nobody think of that before?

I saw a guy in the park the other day pinned under a tree.
"Get help!" he shouted.
"Up yours," I replied, chugging my bottle of vodka. "I don't need help, I can quit anytime."

I can't stand people laughing at my dyslexia any longer.
I've swallowed about a hundred pills and washed them down with a litre and half of whisky.
They won't be laughing when I'm deaf.

The people of Poland have welcomed the Irish football supporters with open arms.
They're the first professional builders the country's seen for more than ten years.

Whilst watching the Spain v Ireland game,I thought I would have An Irish mixed grill, New potatoes,Roast potatoes,Boiled potatoes, Mashed potatoes,Waffles and Hash browns.
With Chips.

A mate of mine said - "I'm going to draw what's essentially a transparent cross section of a building from above".
"It sounds like a plan" I thought.

Just seen a guy with a tartan kayak.
Och aye canoe!

My wife tried to spice up our sex life last night. She wore nothing but a vest, yellow helmet and a light round her neck... I think she misunderstood when I told her I fantasise about sleeping with minors.

I asked Rolf Harris "Are you that bloke from the seventies who did two little boys?" and Rolf replied "No, that was Gary Glitter!"

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAF***A!".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 19, 2015, 10:49 PM
A young girl walked into a supermarket and on her way round she saw the bloke who had had his wicked way with her the previous evening after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.

"You lying toad!" she yelled. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot."

"No," he said. "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 19, 2015, 10:51 PM
This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in Ashton after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" he wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

"Who did I miss out?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 19, 2015, 10:51 PM
Somebody fired a starting pistol outside a mosque. Police say it's not a race issue.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 19, 2015, 10:52 PM
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”
Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
Cashier: “Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.
Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.
Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray."
Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”
Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on February 20, 2015, 02:45 PM
Are you taking sides now?
I hope it isn't a tad political or else!!!!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on February 20, 2015, 04:12 PM
They're all very clever - keep them coming!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 22, 2015, 10:31 PM
we are in a bit of a lul at the moment it must be tea break. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 23, 2015, 05:52 AM
3 married men went out golfingwhen they got on the first tee the first guy said you know I had to promise the wife that I would decorate the living roomnext weekendthats not too bad said the secnd guy I had to promise the wife that I would build a patio next weekend.. how about you they asked the third guy?? oh I just set the alarm for 5.30 a.m and when it rang I nudged the wife and said intercourse or golfcourse?? she replied don't forget your sweater dear.cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: brian seward on February 24, 2015, 12:52 AM
We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop,
cordless phone, and my new surround sound system shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPad and iPhone batteries  were flat, and to top it off it was raining outside so I couldn't play golf.
I went to the kitchen to make a coffee, then remembered that also needs power, So I sat down and talked to my wife for a while.
                     She seems like a nice person.

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: brian seward on February 24, 2015, 01:26 AM
Mother in Law arrives home from shop to find her son in law Paddy in a steaming rage hurriedly packing his suitcase, What happened Paddy she asked anxiously?  What Happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent her an e Mail telling her I was coming home from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what, I find your daughter Jean, my wife naked in bed with   Joe Murphy. This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage ,I'm done, leaving home..
Now calm down Paddy says Mother in Law, there's something odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing, there must be an explanation, I'll go and speak with her and find out what  happened.
Moments later Mother in Law comes back with a big smile,  Paddy, I told you there was a simple explanation..

   "She never got your e Mail " ::)
 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on February 24, 2015, 12:48 PM
Can I detect a Kiwi understudy in the wings?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 24, 2015, 08:18 PM
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear — everything there was!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie – and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop, and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

She half opened one eye. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 24, 2015, 08:20 PM
Fred the Flirt popped into the hotels barber shop for a shave and haircut.

While he waited for the barber, the barbers gorgeous young assistant asked if he'd like a manicure while he waited.

Fred agreed with alacrity, and couldn't take his eyes off the shapely young thing while she worked on his nails.

He thought he'd try chatting her up. "What time do you get off work?" he asked.

"Six o'clock", she replied.

"What about having a drink with me at the bar after you've finished, and I'll buy you dinner, too?", said Fred.

"Oh no, I couldn't do that, I'm married. What would my husband say?"

"Just tell him straight out, you're going out tonight", leered Fred.

"Why don't you tell him yourself? That's him stropping the razor over there!" she replied ...
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on February 24, 2015, 08:25 PM
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Lancashire , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Lancashire are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Lancashire is Yorkshire.. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 27, 2015, 05:30 AM
a man and his wife were working in their garden and as the wife was bending down her hubby said you know your arse is getting bigger than the barbecue.. with this he took out his tape measure and checked the barby the his wife bum oh yes he said your bum is 3 inches bigger but the wife just ignored him.. that night in bed he was feeling a bit frisky  snuggled up to his wife and said how about it?? she replied do you think I am going to fire up this big arse grill for a little wiener???
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on February 27, 2015, 11:15 PM
a preacher wanted to play golf as it was sunday and a lovely day for golf so he asked his assistance to  stand in for him as he was ill.. so off he went to play golf he drovemiles away from the town so no one would know him he got on the first tee and an angelsaid to god he should be punished for this and god agreed.the preacher hit the ball and it sailed to the next hole 450 yards away and plopped right in the hole a perfect hole in one..i thought you were going to punish him said the angel. god smiled and said who is he going to tell??
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 03, 2015, 03:13 PM
 :D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 03, 2015, 06:48 PM
a man and wife fast asleep in bed when theres a knock on the door hubby went down opened the door and a manasked if he could get a push the hubby said its 2 a.m. sod off went back to bed and told his wife some guy wanted a push and he was drunk.. well said the wife do you recall the time we got stuck one very late night and the man came out to help us on our way so the hubby went back down opened the door couldent see for fog so he shouted do you still want a push a voice relied yes please I cant see where you are shouted the hubby I am sat over here on your swing was the reply..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 06, 2015, 12:13 AM
Got a bit bored the other night, spent a bit of time randomly searching the internet, I came across the following webpage - conjunctivitis.com.

I thought, wow, now there is a site for sore eyes...... :)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 06, 2015, 12:14 AM
A California Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend after some energetic sex.
She spent the next half hour fondling his testicles.
He was very pleased, and thanked her for her continuing attentions.
She said. "I just love doing this."
He asked: "Why do you love to do that?"
"Because" she replied, "I really miss mine."



I told you it was a California love story.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 06, 2015, 12:15 AM
The local Senior Citizens Club now has a Community Bus, thanks to a Govt Grant.
Each Sunday they now organise a Mystery Tour for the Club members.
To make it interesting, the oldies put in 50p each, in a sweep to guess the mystery destination.
Incredibly, Bert the bus driver has won the sweep, five times in a row!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 06, 2015, 12:17 AM
Three women went to Mexico to celebrate their college graduation. They got drunk and woke up in jail - only to find that they’re being executed in the morning! - although none of them could remember what they did the night before!

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
The executioner turns on the switch and nothing happens. The execution team all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in, and states her last words: "I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
Again, the switch is flicked, and again, nothing happens. Immediately the team fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in, and says, "Well, I'm just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering from the University of West Virginia - and I can tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna 'lectrocute nobody, if you don't plug that thing in!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 06, 2015, 12:18 AM
Two Jewish gentlemen, a young man and an older man, both strangers to each other, were seated together on an aircraft.

The aircraft had been airborne for about an hour when the younger man said to the older one, "Could you tell me the time, please?

There was no answer. A little while later, the young man asked again, "Could you tell me the time please?" Still no answer.

The young man detected there was some resistance to answering his time questions, so he stopped asking.

As the aircraft was on the descent and within 20 minutes of landing, the older man quickly glanced at his watch and said, "It's 10 minutes to three."

The young man was silent for a while, then said, "Why didn't you tell me the time earlier?"

The older man said, "Well, you know what's it's like on flights when you're seated next to strangers. People get talking to each other.
We could become friendly, especially seeing as we're both Jewish. I'd be obliged to invite you to my home.
I have a lovely daughter, and you're a handsome young man.
Romance could blossom, and before long you could be asking me for her hand in marriage.
So, to put it bluntly ... I don't want a son-in-law who can't afford a watch!!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 07, 2015, 03:36 AM
There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city girls and one farm girl.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
The counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method".
"That will work, said the counselor, but only if you keep a good record."
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.
"I plan on using birth control pills" she said.
Again he said, Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method."
After a short delay, he told her that would probably work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. The counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied, I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm girl. I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I didn't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on an upturned bucket. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers . . . .

I kick the bucket out from under him.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 07, 2015, 03:37 AM
The Music Professor entered the spinsters home to hear the strains of classical music being delicately played on the piano.

Expecting to see the spinster at the keyboard, the Professor got the shock of his life, to see a large black tomcat tickling the ivories.

"He taught himself", said Miss Haversham as she appeared at the Professors elbow.

"That is utterly amazing!", said the Professor.

"He wrote that particular piece himself, too", said the spinster.

"Absolutely astounding!!", cried the Professor.

He marvelled as he took in the chords and nuances of the enthralling piece.

"Have you had him orchestrated?", the Professor inquired.

"Oh my goodness, No!", said Miss Haversham. "With a cat like that, I want him to breed some high-value kittens!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Denise on March 07, 2015, 01:39 PM
Brilliant once again, Kiwi!! 😂

Did you know people in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys?  In 2014 we ate 73,432,384 bananas......and only 6 monkeys!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 13, 2015, 01:39 AM
A young Chinese couple get married.


She's a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting jussanyting you want. You juss ask.


Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".


More thoughtful silence, but this time from him Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 13, 2015, 01:44 AM
A fine Greek family was considering putting their Pappous in a nursing home. All the Greek facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit the old gentleman.

"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful." says Pappous.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since being Greek you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Pappous says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'."

"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'."

"There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'."

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F*****g Greek'."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 13, 2015, 01:48 AM
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

" W-well h-how-w do y-you t-t-turn it o-off
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 13, 2015, 01:49 AM
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 17, 2015, 03:14 AM
The census-taker told the mayor of the small country town, that he was puzzled by the town population number, and had come to make inquiries about it.

"You see", said the census-taker; "for the past eight years that I've been doing the census here, the population has always been the same - 803. There must be something wrong".

"Nope", said the Mayor - it's always been 803."

"But don't you have babies in this town?".

"Yep". And every time one's born - some bloke has to leave town!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 17, 2015, 03:17 AM
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can if I take two", he said.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on March 19, 2015, 03:04 PM
during a commercial  airline flight a r.a.f.pilot was sat next to a young mother with a small baby as the plane was decending to land  she started to breast feed the infantas they were getting off the plane the pilot that was sat next to her started to help her with her bags and baby equipment she thanked him very much and he said that's a fine looking baby you have and he sure was hungry she replied that her doctor told her that feeding the child on decent would help to eleviat the pressure on the ears well said thepilot all these years I have been chewing gum..  pilot  error.. cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 23, 2015, 10:57 PM
Did you know that Phil Spector's brother Crispin is head of quality control at Walkers Crisps?
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 23, 2015, 10:59 PM
A policeman in Sydney, Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser."

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.
On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."

The policeman said, "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."

The man produced another letter.
This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then."

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This man plays Cricket for England, please don't take the p--- out of him."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 27, 2015, 03:39 AM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Milburn, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Milburn, this is Doctor Harris at the Royal County Hospital. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Milburn arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Milburn asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Milburn.

"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at the office recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on March 30, 2015, 03:54 AM
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

"Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on April 01, 2015, 07:10 AM
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a Frenchmaids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...

IPaddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says" I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner"...

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full...herby

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on April 03, 2015, 09:15 AM
Hi

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
 
Some old men can still think fast!!    herby
 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 06, 2015, 12:58 AM
keep em rolling  folks  ;D :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 06, 2015, 09:34 PM
I received an E-Mail from a friend of mine in Greece the other day, with a gif attachment, but when I opened it, I found my Computer had been infected with a Virus, my own fault really, should have remembered the old saying.

"Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifs"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 06, 2015, 09:35 PM
I bought a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon the other day in a fit of nostalgia for my days in a US Army PX. I'd forgotten how bad it was. It just goes to show that ....


Those who forget the Pabst are condemned to repeat it
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 06, 2015, 09:36 PM
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 06, 2015, 09:37 PM
Two policemen (Constable Dave and Bob) call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet Sarge. The floor is still wet."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Albert on April 07, 2015, 03:46 PM
Hi Kiwi You would not have been shot if you put your foot on the newly stoned  front door step
But if looks could kill you would be dead
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on April 08, 2015, 12:59 AM
                                     
       
                                                         Hi
                                     A painter by the name of Murphy,
while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his
fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of
Doolin in County Clare , to get him to paint their likenesses.
  One day, a beautiful young English
woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her
in the nude.
 This being the first time anyone had
made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told
him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to
$10,000.
                   Not wanting to get into any marital
strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with
Mary, his wife.
                   In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife
says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in da nude alright,
but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me
brushes."...................
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on April 09, 2015, 02:47 AM
Hi

           There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'                                                                     herby
 
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 13, 2015, 02:34 AM
Not many people know of this interesting fact! In 1872 the Australians invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the Kiwi's somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on April 13, 2015, 05:20 PM
a womans driving licence ......a young mother driving her daughter to her friends house for a play date.. mummy said the child how old are you?? oh you should not ask a lady her age it isn't polite.. what do you weigh then she asked that also is very personal said her mum why did you and daddy get divorced?? now young lady that's enough questions.. so when she dropped the little girl at her friends house the little girl said to her friend my mum wont tell me how old she is or nothing about her self..well said her friend look at her driving licence its like a report card everything is on there.so the next day the little girl said to her mum you are 32 and you weigh 130 pounds and the reason you got divorced is because you got an f for sex... cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on April 15, 2015, 01:26 PM
In 1873 the Kiwi's somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

Good one Kiwi!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: jaywit on April 15, 2015, 01:29 PM
I'm still chuckling,
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on April 16, 2015, 12:32 AM
Ha Ha Ha!!! Oz........
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 17, 2015, 01:28 AM
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 17, 2015, 01:31 AM
A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one.
"Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady.
“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings" said a woman cheerfully,

"Thank God we can all still drive."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on April 17, 2015, 10:13 AM
Was in stiches having my breakfast they really cheer me up Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on April 19, 2015, 01:34 PM
A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one.
"Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady.
“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings" said a woman cheerfully,

"Thank God we can all still drive."
 


Wait till I tell that one to my wife a favourite pet peeve of hers!

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: brian seward on April 25, 2015, 09:34 PM
Was in the Drug store and noticed a new "Stick deodorant" I took it home and read the instructions ,
"Remove cap and push up the bottom"  Well I'm kinda walking funny but when I pass wind the room smells lovely !
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 28, 2015, 01:07 AM
One day, in the Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the guv'.

"But " God interrupts, "there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other."

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, and after a while continues,

"Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah.

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check",

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?"

"Check"

"Excuse me, me old mucker do you mind if I ask why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing..

"Dunno", says God......................................................... ........

"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on April 28, 2015, 01:09 AM
At a country dance, a young couple were pressed together, dancing cheek to cheek.
She whispered in his ear, "Let's go outside, to your car".
He declined, saying the tune being played was one of his favourite songs.
However, she persisted and pleaded with him to go outside to his car.
He finally agreed. Once they got outside, it was pitch black, so he promptly produced a torch from his pocket to light the way.
She said, with disappointment in her voice, "Have you had that torch in your pocket all night?"
"Yes", he said.
"Well, let's go back inside, then".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: herby on May 01, 2015, 01:50 PM
Hi
        Abuabullbul Amere  was shot with a starting pistol to-day . The police believe it was race related  herby
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 05, 2015, 02:46 AM
smiles needed please and thankyou
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 06, 2015, 12:03 AM
Greater Manchester Police report finding a man's body in the lake in Stamford Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified..

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.

The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 06, 2015, 12:09 AM
An English man enters a Catholic Church confessional booth in Edinburgh

He tells the chaplain, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night while in the pub, I beat the hell out of a Nicola Sturgeon supporter."

The chaplain says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 12, 2015, 02:43 AM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on May 12, 2015, 04:52 PM
Love the last one Kiwi, ha ha ha............Danny
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 13, 2015, 05:15 AM
keep on smiling ;D :D cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 13, 2015, 09:36 PM
After buying a pair of talkative parrots, a male and female, the young lady found she had trouble identifying which one was which.
She called the pet shop for advice.

"It's easy!", said the pet shop proprietor. "Just wait until you see them mating, and then tie a white ribbon around the males neck, so you can identify him!"

The young lady watched and waited, then one day she walked into the house, and caught the parrots in furious copulation.
She promptly grabbed the white ribbon and quickly tied it around the males neck.

A few days later, the young lady put on an afternoon tea for the Vicar.
The instant the male parrot spotted the Vicar, he squawked - "Ha! I see she caught you having some nookie, too!!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 14, 2015, 03:24 AM
Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in primary school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand quid..."

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand quid... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 14, 2015, 03:29 AM

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.  I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.  I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

But one place I don't ever want to be is in Continent.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on May 14, 2015, 03:14 PM

But one place I don't ever want to be is in Continent.

I thought you would have liked going abroad.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 19, 2015, 04:37 AM
 :D ;D :) they must of heard a funny cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 19, 2015, 09:54 PM
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills .
What should I do ?
Signed - Clueless .


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman!
You don't need him anymore!
You're running for President of the United States. .. Act like one!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 19, 2015, 09:59 PM
(http://i973.photobucket.com/albums/ae218/Dogsbreath/bridge.jpg)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 20, 2015, 04:08 AM
I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 25, 2015, 04:45 AM
A lawyer arrived home late from work after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Dave Wright. His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. On and on and on she went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a double shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself wearily up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, Dave Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would have be hanged overnight had it not been for the last minute reprieve.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she announced.




To which, he whirled around and screamed -




FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on May 29, 2015, 12:43 AM
Belly good any more? Kenneth'o
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 29, 2015, 04:11 AM
An 88 year old man goes to the doctor for a physical exam. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "Ron, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Ron replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight. He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom .. Poof! ... the light goes on. When I'm done ... Poof... the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Ron's wife, Penny.
"Penny," he says, "Ron is doing fine! I called because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. It seems that God is providing him with what he needs. When he gets up to pee during the night, the light goes on in the bathroom. When he's done the light goes off!"
"Oh dear," exclaims Penny. "He's pissing in the fridge again!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 29, 2015, 04:12 AM
A man walks into a bar.

'Bitter?' asks the barmaid.

'No,' says the man. 'Just very, very tired.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 29, 2015, 04:13 AM
A man and a giraffe are in a bar, drinking heavily. Eventually, the giraffe keels over and is unconscious on the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and stumbles out into the street.

A moment later, the barman comes running after him.

'Hey!' says the barman. 'You can't leave that lyin' in my bar!'

'S'not a lion,' says the man. 'It's a giraffe.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 29, 2015, 04:14 AM
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.


In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too;

But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 29, 2015, 04:15 AM
Patient: 'I keep seeing rabbits, Doc. Rabbits, everywhere.'

Doctor: 'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'

Patient: 'No, just rabbits.'
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on May 29, 2015, 04:16 AM
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I must confess, darling, I used to be a hooker."

He says, "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Ashtonian54 on June 01, 2015, 04:17 AM
Still funny

Thanks 

Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 02, 2015, 07:35 PM
keep em rolling folks.. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 05, 2015, 12:32 AM
Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate.
The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraught on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraught will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony.
The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me." So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says.
The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink. As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're an ass hole when you're drunk, Superman."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 05, 2015, 12:35 AM
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 05, 2015, 04:57 AM
Sepp Blatter is going to spend his new found spare time improving his tennis.

His fore-hand shots are nothing special but his back-handers are bloody amazing.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 11, 2015, 08:24 PM
 ;D :D :) ;)
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 13, 2015, 07:12 PM
Lets have some smiles just got back from a month in Victoria bc had a nice time visiting our son but the airports don't give you nothing to smile about. Cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 15, 2015, 01:33 AM
A couple had a dog that snored. Annoyed because she couldn't sleep, the wife went to the vet to see if he can help. The vet told the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she thought.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog began to snore, as usual - the wife tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she went to the closet, took a piece of red ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring - she was amazed !!
Later that night, her husband returned home drunk after a night out drinking with his mates. He climbed into bed, fell asleep straight away, snoring loudly. The wife thought maybe the ribbon trick might work on him too, so she went to the closet again, took a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it did work on him too and the woman slept soundly for the remainder of the night. The following morning the husband woke from his drunken stupor and stumbled into the bathroom. Standing in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw the blue ribbon attached to his privates. Naturally very confused, he walked back into the bedroom and noticed the red ribbon attached to the dog's testicles. He shook his head, looked at the dog and whispered, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but it looks like we got 1st & 2nd place."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 15, 2015, 01:34 AM
I've just heard some terrible news.... a friend of mine who works for Nescafe had what they call an Industrial Accident. He fell into a huge vat of coffee powder and suffocated...they said it was instant!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on June 15, 2015, 11:07 AM
So funny the one about 1st and 2nd prize Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on June 16, 2015, 01:44 PM
Agreed - I'm nuts about that joke.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 16, 2015, 05:35 PM
no pun intended eh s.o.n. cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Son of Nomad on June 17, 2015, 10:30 AM
no pun intended eh s.o.n. cheers kennetho

Ooohh no! Perish the thought!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Dannyx6 on June 17, 2015, 06:57 PM
 :)The Puns good SON, as usual you always make me laugh. I love the Nos 1 + 2 also! Kiwi you are also up to standard, what would we do without you? Ha Ha Ha...Danny :D :D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 17, 2015, 07:29 PM
smile less :-\ cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 21, 2015, 04:24 AM
well lets have some smiles thenjog your noggin and send them in cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 22, 2015, 04:29 AM
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Bob was hired by a warehouse.

But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he would have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Bobs wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About £4,500," said the owner.”

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Bob, "I finally got job security!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 22, 2015, 05:36 PM
forgetfull actor,,,,,was given his last chance by the director you just have 1 line as you walk on the stage holding a rose between you finger and thumb you put it under your nose and say ah the sweet smell of my mistress.. on opening night he walked on the stage and said ah the sweet smell of my mistress.. and the audience all cracked up laughing the actor moved to the side and said to the director I didn't forget my line no said the director you forgot the bloody rose.. cheers
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on June 27, 2015, 07:47 PM
???????
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 29, 2015, 04:11 AM
Man in a restaurant asks the waiter, "how does the chef prepare the chicken"?
Waiter replies, "he looks it straight in the eye and says you're gonna die".
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on June 29, 2015, 04:12 AM
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know..

She met the fortune teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



For some reason wives seem to like this joke!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 03, 2015, 02:50 AM
we are still open for smiles   laughs   titters   and jokes   7===24
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 04, 2015, 11:08 PM
Some Greek ones:

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’


As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.

Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.


What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.


I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.


Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.


My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 05, 2015, 03:27 AM
thanks  kiwi  that was a boat load cheers kennetho
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 06, 2015, 09:11 PM


NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER"

Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.


First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:


“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 10, 2015, 04:44 AM
Greece has just entered the Guinness Book of Records for the most bank holidays in a year.
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 10, 2015, 04:45 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger.

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 17, 2015, 04:44 AM
Some naval humour ...

Submarines:

Suggestions for the submariner who misses the 'good old days' on the boat:

Repeat back everything anyone says to you.

Sleep on the shelf in your wardrobe. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".

Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.

Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.

Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.

Lockwire the wheelnuts on your car.

Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea

Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.

Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and yell 'SPILL'. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it again.

Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into the kitchen

Tell your kids to "go find me a can of relative bearing grease

Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout "Postmaster General -Arriving" so that everyone in the house can hear you.

Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up through the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive through as many big puddles as possible.

Have your kids stand at attention every time you enter the room and make them state quite loudly, "Attention on Deck' or "Make a Hole".

Start every story with "This is no-shit".

Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds. Also install a multi-channel entertainment system over your rack that don't work.

Install the system above where it will cause a 6 inch vacuum In the bedroom.

Hire about 20 drunks to come into you house about 1 in the morning and start cooking.

Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install some batteries. Go down there once a day and take specific gravities.

Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's sock.

Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope - or, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.

Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained aboard Navy ships.

Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two out of five.

Surround yourself with 125 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like rubbish trucks going uphill, and use foul language.

Unplug all radios and TV's to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a copy of The Times, The Economist, or Navy News from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same porcelain.

Lock the bathrooms twice a day for a four hour period.

Practice taking a shower with a litre of water.

Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares if it day or night.

Listen to your favorite CD 6 times/day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.


SUB v WOMAN
Why Submarines are better than woman:
- a submarine will kill you quickly. A woman takes her time.
- submarines like it done at all angles.
- submarines can be turned on easily anytime.
- a submarine doesn't mind if you smoke, drink, tell dirty jokes or cuss.
- submarines come with manuals.
- submarines are always in trim.
- submarines don't whine unless something is really wrong.
- submarines don't care how many other subs you have sailed on.
- submarines don't come with in-laws.
- when sailing, you and your submarine arrive at the same time.
- submarines don't mind if you look at other submarines or if you buy books and magazines about them.
- submarines don't complain if you sleep somewhere else.
- submarines don't mind if you stop off for a few beers on the way back.
- it's OK to tie up a submarine
- you can leave your submarine but it will never leave you.
- you get paid extra money for riding on a submarine.
- submarines don't mind if you sit up all night eating and talking loud with your friends
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 18, 2015, 06:37 AM
Random thoughts as we age

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Fudge on July 18, 2015, 09:47 AM
Another good one Kiwi Its funny you mention Chocolate on the news saying it is good for the heart always said it was because its grows as a bean on a plant Fudge
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on July 20, 2015, 04:46 AM
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 24, 2015, 04:14 AM
keep em rolling.. :D ;D
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: KENNETHO on July 28, 2015, 05:29 PM
murphy walked in the pub all battered bruised and limping. jeez said the barman what happened to you murphy?? it was that mr. riley he replied well you are much bigger than riley he must of had something in his hand to do that?? that he did said murph a shovel. didn't you have anything in your hands said the barman? I did that mrs. rileys  tits and beautifull tings they are  but not much use in a fight..
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2015, 03:48 AM
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2015, 03:51 AM
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from it's rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted it's tail there was my wife's golf ball."

"And…?" asked the doctor. "Well", the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2015, 03:52 AM
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2015, 03:52 AM
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me — I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2015, 03:53 AM
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2015, 03:54 AM
Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2015, 03:58 AM
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."
Title: Re: Lets start with a smile
Post by: Kiwi on August 03, 2015, 04:00 AM
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here… you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?" The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the very emb